How to Spot Toxic Friendships—and How to Act Once You Acknowledge Them

Milton Nascimento once sang: a friend is something to keep under lock and key, inside your heart. And experts warn: a friend is a person who supports us and does everything to see us always well, whether the moment in life is good or bad. If not, then it cannot be called friendship true. It’s a case of toxic friendship and it’s good to be aware.

“Any relationship that produces suffering is toxic”, says psychologist Gabriela Malzyner. Regarding female friends specifically, she says: “When that person makes you suffer and deposits elements in you that you don’t recognize, that friendship is toxic.”

Gabriela and Carla Albuquerque, a psychologist who works at GetNinjas, told us the main signs that a friendship can be toxic. Check out:

Friends who criticize too much

The comments always revolve around your behavior “which is not nice”, a habit or mannerism of yours “which is ridiculous” (the way you laugh or walk, for example), the clothes you wear “which cannot ”. “Derogatory criticism from a toxic friendship can be overt or disguised as sarcasm or passive-aggressiveness,” explains Carla.

Reviews from friends have to be constructive, focused on helping you improve in some aspect, and are welcome.

Friends who are the owners of reason

They are right, you are always wrong. Your opinions are not taken into account if they differ.

Friends who never praise

When we do something very well done, something that is admired and even awarded, we expect our friends to vibrate with us and praise us. But toxic friendships don’t allow this, and it’s possible that people with this profile will try to diminish your achievement.

Friends who make you feel guilty

Every relationship is subject to miscommunications; It’s human nature for even people very close to step on the ball here and there. But for toxic friends, it’s never their fault, always yours. And they make a point of throwing it in your face as much as possible. Before long, you feel guilty about everything, even what they do.

Interesting friends

Those who only look for you when they need something, whether it’s borrowed clothes, money or information are not true friends, they are toxic friendships.

Friends who expose you to ridicule

In circles of acquaintances and even with strangers, they tell stories in which you were embarrassed or went through a bad situation; they post bad pictures of themselves on social networks and still find a way to make fun of the caption and/or comments. Toxic down to the last hair.

Friends who compete to lessen your problems or achievements

There are people who seem to believe that life is a gymkhana of misfortunes. You are worried about an exam and you vent: “I opened it before going to the doctor and saw that two results are outside the expected parameters, I hope it’s nothing” and you hear the answer: “Wow, in the last exams I did, ALL my results were outside the parameters, I spent a year in treatment because of that”.

It also applies to achievements. You are super happy: “I was promoted and I will have a R$ 300 increase in salary” and the person promptly comments: “In my last promotion, my increase was R$ 1200”.

Friend who is a friend pays attention to your placement, good or bad, and consoles or celebrates together. Using an example from your own life to console you? Everything is fine. Use an example to become the center of the story or be “better”? No way! Toxic!

I have a toxic friendship. How did I let this happen?

As you read the clues above, you may have identified a toxic friendship in your life. For starters, don’t feel guilty about letting this go. “Many friendships end up being maintained for comfort. They can be friendships for years, which have always been there and become unquestionable. There is a feeling of discomfort with that person, but as they are very subjective signs, it does not cross our minds to break the bond”, says Carla.

Gabriela points out that it is not uncommon for someone to think that “the right way to learn” is through humiliation. “But being humiliated and belittled by someone who calls himself a friend is not right,” she observes.

In this regard, Carla opines: “Some people find certain toxic attitudes normal due to a life history in affective relationships.”

I have a toxic friendship. What do I do now?

Before going to talk to the person, talk to yourself; self-reflection is needed and it might be good to think about seeking help in therapy.

“You have to evaluate why you agree to have a friendship that brings suffering. This is a sign of fragile mental health, of low self-esteem”, notes Gabriela.

After the self-analysis, Carla considers it important to have a conversation with this friend. “If the friendship is important and involves great feelings, a sincere and open dialogue can help to resume a healthy friendship”, she believes. “Any behavior change takes work and doesn’t happen overnight, so it may be necessary to talk more than once.”

The limit of tolerance with a toxic friendship

It exists and is your well-being: toxic friendships that become chronic can do a lot of harm to mental health and turn into physical problems.

“If the other person’s behavior doesn’t evolve according to the first conversations, it’s time to protect yourself from this friendship or even distance yourself completely, if possible”, advises Carla. “Establishing boundaries, saying ‘no’ more often, making yourself less vulnerable helps. One of the characteristics of toxic friendship is having to keep giving explanations, and you should stop doing that little by little, until you conquer your space with the other person”, concludes the psychologist.