How not to suffer when going back to work after maternity leave

Your return to work can have touches of a Mexican soap opera or be lighter, like a sugar-candy romance movie. We set up a script for the protagonists of this story – you and your son – to fulfill the script without trauma

The episode is well known to mothers who are returning to their professional lives. After spending at least four months glued to the calf 24 hours a day, it’s time to cut another umbilical cord.

“Each in their own way, mother and baby will feel the separation. But the better the communication and bond between them, the faster and more smoothly the adaptation will be”, guarantees psychotherapist Josie Zecchinelli, from São Paulo.

By now, you’ve resolved one of the most difficult questions in this drama: who will take care of the baby in your absence. And whether you’ve decided on a grandmother, whether you’ve opted for a nursery or a nanny, the important thing is that you feel confident with the choice you’ve made. “The child perceives the mother’s security and reacts accordingly”, says psychologist Fernanda Roche, coordinator of the Espaço de Desenvolvimento Criança em Foco, in Curitiba.

The script for the goodbye time can be smoother if you follow some rules. They will help you to manage the change in routine and are essential to convey peace of mind to your child.

Prepare it the day before

No matter how small the baby is, explain the situation to him. The day before you go back to work, say something like, “Now, we’re playing and then you’re going to sleep. In the morning, Mom goes to work and you stay with Grandma (or at school, etc.). In the evening, I’ll come back and we’ll play again”.

Repeat this explanation in the morning and throughout the first week of adaptation. “It’s a mistake to underestimate children’s ability to observe and understand, even the youngest ones”, warns Fernanda.

wake up baby

Don’t give in to the temptation to sneak out and leave your child asleep. She prefers to wake him up gently and say goodbye. “The mother must always signal her exit. Perhaps the child will cry and show sadness, but he will be comforted by the teacher, nanny or grandmother.

This is better than feeling insecure because the mother suddenly disappeared”, says Rosa Virgínia Pantoni, a psychologist specialized in early childhood education, from São Paulo.

Be brief

Briefly describe to the baby what the routine will be like that day and add that you will think about him. Then give her a hug and kiss and bluntly leave. If she hears the baby cry, resist the temptation to go back and comfort him. Yes, this is the moment when you start the car and drive to work with a heavy heart.

“Women can feel a huge sense of guilt, it’s normal. But you need to consider that it is natural for the child to cry. The important thing, from then on, is that the baby can count on someone to pick him up and comfort him and distract him. This welcome will be enough to restore his safety”, teaches Josie.

Beware of dubious messages

This farewell will likely be harder on you than it will be on your baby. If your actions reveal hesitation, it will make you feel insecure (children can see everything!). “There are mothers who say goodbye a thousand times, as if they were waiting for their child to cry”, warns Fernanda. Unconsciously, she may be doing this to confirm to herself how much the little one loves her and depends on her for her care.

Other times, the trap is in body language. “Children are experts at interpreting subtleties. If the mother says `bye¿, but she makes a move to get closer, the baby understands the go-no-go. This ambiguity only increases their suffering. Leave at once”, advises Rosa.

at grandma’s house

You can adapt a week or two in advance, leaving it there for longer and longer periods. Talk to your mother or mother-in-law about the possibility of creating a special corner for the baby. In it, put some of your child’s favorite toys, photos or paintings that he usually sees at home.

Also create a place for naps, with the pillow and a blanket you use in the crib. As for the routine, it is essential that it is maintained. “It facilitates adaptation when mother and grandmother speak the same language and keep to their sleeping, walking, playing and eating schedules”, warns Fernanda.

When you leave, it will be up to the grandmother to calm the little one down. A good start is to propose new activities. “Talking about the mother throughout the day is also recommended. It’s just not worth lying saying she’s already coming. It is true that a baby does not yet have a dimension of time. But being honest from the start reinforces the bonds of trust. In a few days, he will realize that the mother leaves, but always comes back”, completes the psychologist.

In nursery or school

As this is a new environment, it is important to adapt in advance. Choose a flexible institution, which gives you freedom of schedule and allows you to accompany your child in the first few weeks, while he gets used to the teacher. At this stage, he can, for example, stay three hours on the first day, five on the second… The increase is gradual until reaching the total length of stay.

Take the opportunity to get to know the routine, the physical space and the professionals who will take care of the child well, reinforcing that she will be fine. If the school has a place out of the children’s field of vision, from where you can observe your child, extend your stay there a little and leave with a lighter soul.

with the nanny

The sooner the professional is already part of the child’s routine, the better. But that won’t stop the little one from feeling strange and resentful of the mother’s prolonged absence. The worst pitfall in this case is to imagine that, since the child will remain at home, no preparation will be necessary. “It is still very important that, before leaving, the mother says goodbye and reassures the child that the nanny will take care of him, but she will be back after the evening meal, for example”, advises Josie.

Another fundamental point is to reinforce to the nanny the need for the routine to remain unchanged, especially in the first weeks after returning to work. “The perception that they continue to receive the same care is reassuring for the baby”, recalls the psychotherapist.

The happy ending is possible, of course. At first, your child is likely to miss you and send you the message in the form of needy expressions. “Not wanting to leave the lap, shortening the interval between feedings, waking up crying at night and resisting falling asleep are some of the ways that the child finds to compensate for maternal absence during the day.

Your role is to welcome it with affection, understanding that it is a passing reaction”, says Josie. According to the specialist, if the mother keeps a cool head, the little one will adapt more quickly to the new situation and soon the two will share a new reason for joy in their daily routine: the time of reunion!