Good girl syndrome: the one who nods and obeys, but is not happy

Nowadays, and beyond social and cultural advances, there are women who deal with an unfulfilled life. They are because they have been educated under the prism of obedience, of “being quiet is better” and the idea that we must attend to the needs of others before our own. The good girl syndrome persists in our society like an old museum piece.

It doesn’t matter that we are in the 21st century and that we send space probes to Mars. There are revolutions that take longer. One of them is related to the need to educate in equality regardless of gender. There are parents who instill in their girls the need to be compassionate, obedient, loyal… Good girls who do not develop skills such as assertiveness.

Almost without realizing it, these women integrate a role from childhood that they try to fulfill to the letter. They become obsessed with being perfect, with doing everything well, with seeking consensus, with the acceptance of others, with wanting everyone to like them, etc. Few things fear as much as receiving criticism or being rejected.

There comes a time when the woman with good girl syndrome realizes that everyone ends up achieving what they want, except them. Her life is one frustration after another.

What is good girl syndrome?

It is very common for some women to arrive in certain work environments and suddenly find themselves forced to deactivate many mental schemes and narratives. It happens when one has been educated to reach consensus and does not know how to debate or disagree. It also happens when she is forced to compete against others, to stand out for her own strengths and not so much to reinforce those of others.

Because The main characteristic of the good girl syndrome is undervaluing what one feels, wants or needs to always achieve harmony with others. There is no need to question anything, it is better to obey to be accepted and taken into account. Being good means silencing what is needed to achieve consensus and the approval of others.

On the other hand, although it is true that this syndrome lacks clinical entity and does not respond to any psychopathological diagnosis, it does define a behavior. We are facing a pattern of behavior that is seen in many women..

Thus, books like The Nice Girl Syndrome: Stop Being Manipulated and Abused (2010) by therapist Beverly Engel highlight a fact. These girls end up in abusive relationships. Unhappiness is a constant in their lives.

Characteristics that define this profile

Women defined by the good girl syndrome live trapped in self-deception. They do not value their abilities, achievements and worths. They look more externally to please than internally to develop their potential and cultivate their happiness. It is more important to take care of others than to take care of yourself.

In certain cases, this behavior can be compared to Wendy syndrome. Research from the University of Western Australia highlights how many relationships are made up of a narcissistic man and a woman with this personality profile.

Thus, and in general, it is common to see many of these characteristics:

They are very demanding women with themselves, both on a professional, personal, physical level, etc. They seek perfection to achieve acceptance. They are not assertive people. They repress their needs and opinions for fear of being rejected or criticized.They always show the same attitude, that defined by kindness, consensus, closeness, willingness to help, empathy… They rarely oppose or disagree with anything.They assume that to be loved or appreciated, they must be kind, good, and caring.For them, criticism is the end of the world.

Emotional suffering in good girl syndrome

Women with good girl syndrome never get angry. As we can well deduce, it is very difficult to go through life without feeling the sting of contradiction, injustice and even anger. This means thatWhat these people do is constantly repress their negative valence emotions.

This emotional containment and the fact of displacing one’s own needs to attend to those of others, establishes the imprint of silenced suffering. It is very common for these women to develop depression, anxiety disorders and psychosomatic disorders.

The need to always appear pleasant, cheerful and willing to help others is exhausting. This explains why women with good girl syndrome experience anxiety.

How to deactivate the nice, kind and docile girl scheme?

The opposite of the good girl is not the bad girl. She is the girl who learns to fend for herself, who takes control of her life with assertiveness, resolution and personal security. Therefore, to deactivate this syndrome it is necessary to confront ourselves, become aware of those rusty, outdated and harmful narratives with which we have grown up.

It should be noted that it is not easy to break these dynamics because they are integrated in the form of very deep mental schemes. And sometimes it is not easy to deactivate what you cannot see or have not been aware of. Hence Psychological therapy is highly recommended for various reasons:

We must realize many dynamics in which we are trapped, and that are reinforced by the lack of self-esteem and assertiveness.You have to work on internal dialoguethat which judges, that urges us to give more value to external judgments than to our own needs. It is necessary to validate oneself, enhance self-esteem, as well as social skills such as assertive communication or problem solving.The fear of not pleasing everyone must be completely diluted. What’s more, the ability to develop our autonomy and psychological well-being always involves learning to disappoint.

To conclude, we will never tire of the need to educate in equality. Boys and girls must learn to fend for themselves, to achieve their full human potential through personal security, autonomy and self-esteem. Loving and valuing yourself is key to personal and professional success.

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