What is behind the fear of conflict and how to treat it?

People afraid of conflict choose silence and “I better let it go” in order to avoid confrontation and, according to themselves, live in peace. However, these dynamics based on resistance and non-reaction anchor them to a state where discomfort, frustration and, above all, the loss of dignity accumulate.

Fears, as such, fulfill an evolutionary function: they help us survive, to react better to risks. Now, the real problem of our modernity is that we no longer have predators that put our survival at risk, Threats have ceased to be physical and have become almost exclusively pathological fears.. Those that, whether we like it or not, limit our growth, our social and emotional solvency.

People with fear of conflict fill psychologists’ consultations. This fact may surprise many, but it is a reality. Thus, these profiles are characterized by mental dynamics and discourses based almost exclusively on that of “I better not do or say this so they don’t get angry”, “I don’t dare tell them this because it might hurt them” or “I don’t know how to tell this person that what they have done doesn’t seem right to me”.

Living on the border of permanent insecurity is not life. Living in that refuge of immobility in the face of injustice is not healthy. Being able to react to what we dislike and defend our rights is a principle of well-being and health. Facing conflicts, managing them effectively, will help us grow.

The person with fear of conflict is the one who fills the balloon with his anger and frustrations little by little and in silence. She does it by swallowing what hurts, she does it by giving in and letting this, the other and the beyond pass. Until in the end it is too late: that balloon ends up bursting in one’s own hands.

People afraid of conflict: what is behind that fear?

We could say that a timely withdrawal avoids many conflicts. We all know it and we have all put it into practice at some point, seeing that, in general, the strategy brings good results. However, the persistent use of withdrawal is not an ideal response for all circumstances. Not when there are injustices and what we have to do is defend ourselves, delimit, react.. Making continuous use of avoidance will cause us little by little to settle in the circle of suffering, in an unhygienic defensive barrier.

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Almost without realizing it, we will end up assuming situations that we do not want. We will give power over us to others and let our personal boundaries dissolve like sugar in a cup of coffee. People with fear of conflict fill consultations with clinical and health professionals for a more than obvious fact: They end up somatizing that frustration (muscle pain, digestive problems, ulcers, cold sores…). Without talking, of course, about mental problems, such as anxiety disorders.

If we now ask ourselves what is behind this corrosive fear of conflict, it is worth saying that it is not always easy to generate a profile that can serve each individual. Let’s look, however, at some traits that define them on average more frequently.

They are people who lack authentic Emotional Intelligence. (they do not recognize their emotions, they choose to hide them, they lack assertiveness, social skills…) They fear losing the bond or relationship with others by expressing their thoughts and emotions authentically. They relate sincerity with danger, with the possibility of losing someone because of it.They worry excessively about the social image they offer of themselves: They do not want to make mistakes, create disagreements. When there is a conflict, they do not always avoid it. Many times They opt for the kindest way out: give in or take the blame in order to regain harmony.They adopt a role model, one focused on getting along with everyone.

It is necessary to change the vision we have of the conflict

It is enough to say the word “conflict” out loud and soon we will visualize a field of war. A hostile scenario where words fly and stick, where discrepancies reach insults, where differences fall into an unbridgeable distance where we end up losing everything. It is necessary to take a turn, change the chip, create a new vision about this idea.

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People afraid of conflict must understand several things. The first, that these situations can bring us very positive dimensions. Effectively resolving these discrepancies has an impact on our identity and self-esteem., and in addition, we sanitize relationships and those social contexts in which we move daily. Let’s remember that conflict can emerge in almost any circumstance: in line at the supermarket, with our partner, our children, a co-worker…

Settling into passivity or flight distances us from our own social role. So, We are obliged to know how to reach consensus, to dialogue, to solve problems, to negotiate and also satisfy our own needs, our own integrity. Doing it is not bad, achieving it requires work, perseverance and adequate training in social skills, emotional management and self-knowledge. Let’s stop running away from ourselves and face life to achieve well-being.