The hedgehog metaphor: when our fears turn into quills

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Human relationships are so complicated. There are those who need affection, but at the same time are afraid of betrayal and disappointment. Therefore, he chooses to live alone. They are like hedgehogs with their backs full of quills, they crave warmth, but they push away anyone who can offer it to them.

Loving is wonderful, but for many it is also an experience filled with fear.. Fear of abandonment. Fear of betrayal. Fear of feeling vulnerable, of opening ourselves up to someone emotionally and having them fail later. We know, relationships require taking risks, but the truth is that there are those who see more threats and mined territories than benefits.

Many of these ways of understanding relationships or friendships are orchestrated by an anxious-avoidant personality.. They are men and women who actually long for social interaction, as well as to love and be loved. However, they fear putting their well-being in the hands of others, which explains why they take refuge in solitude and prefer environments where everything is under their control.

They are beings who seem to grow invisible spikes on their backs. They push away with their behavior and attitude anyone who wants to get close. They cause harm with their reactions, often sullen and others dominated by a corrosive shyness. We might think that they are somewhat asocial and that this behavior is somewhat reminiscent of Hikikomori syndrome.

However, There is an image that explains this personality profile very well and it is that of two hedgehogs.. This is a metaphor that Arthur Schopenhauer stated in his work Parerga and paralipómena (1851).

Human connection is a basic human need, but sometimes our fears and anxieties hurt ourselves and others.

Our fears and defense mechanisms prevent us from achieving satisfying intimate relationships.

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What is the hedgehog metaphor?

The hedgehog metaphor or the porcupine dilemma is an interesting parable that invites us to reflect.. Arthur Schopenhauer described it like this:

“It was a cold winter day when several hedgehogs huddled close together to avoid freezing. They wanted to keep each other warm enough to survive. However, soon, they realized that there was a problem: they were hurting themselves with their quills. The pain was such that they chose to distance themselves, but when they did, the winter wind began to freeze their small bodies. Both actions were painful, both the closeness and the distance. In the end, they found that optimal point in which to feel the heat of their bodies without having the threat of spikes on their skin.”

With this dilemma, Schopenhauer outlined a no less thorny reality. Human beings need solitude and love at the same time.. When we get together, the most uncomfortable characteristics and dimensions arise, those that prevent us, for example, from living as a couple. Then we distance ourselves, and in that distance the cold and the abyss of emptiness appear once again.

Between lethal loneliness and the ties that hurt

The little porcupines have to deal, on the one hand, with the dangerous effects of the harsh winter and, on the other, with the pain of each other’s quills as they try to live close to each other. People are also often faced with the metaphor of the hedgehog.

Loneliness is lethal, but sometimes, when living with someone, we are also hurt. What to do then? There are those who choose the first option. Let us remember the examples given at the beginning. People with hikikomori syndrome show that striking psychopathological and sociological phenomenon in which they isolate themselves in their rooms for months. Avoiding all social obligations.

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Avoidant personality disorder, for example, also shows, according to a study carried out at the University of Newcastle, this fear of social interaction and rejection. Schopenhauer goes so far as to say at one point Parerga and paralipomena (1851) that there are those who have a large amount of internal heat and that, therefore, they would prefer to stay away from society to avoid giving or receiving discomfort.

Make no mistake, because this idea is not true. Human beings need intimacy and social connection to survive, to guarantee adequate psychological well-being.. Isolation makes us sick, loneliness causes premature deaths. The key would be to establish optimal proximity.

It is said that Sigmund Freud had a figure of a porcupine on his desk because of his fascination with Schopenhauer’s parable of the hedgehog dilemma.

Only when we let our fears fall, will we be able to love each other without hurting ourselves or raising our sharp parts.

The Hedgehog Metaphor: Prickly Creatures Actually Can Snuggle Together

In our attempt to achieve an intimate connection with someone, we can put into motion some really thorny processes. Sometimes, the closer we get, the more we make the other flee. Sometimes, vulnerability or the eternal fear of being hurt also make us distance ourselves from the one we love the most.

Let us be clear that the more fearful we become, the more palisades and self-defences we build. Our barbs come out and we end up hurting each other. We do it to protect that terrified self that, even though it fears loneliness, does not know how to let itself be loved either. What to do then?

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There is something we should know. The hedgehog metaphor is not entirely true. It is very effective as a parable and as a reflection exercise. But actually, hedgehogs don’t bite unless they feel threatened. Their quills are like thick hairs that they only tense when they feel angry or threatened.

The key is trust, establishing an optimal distance between personal freedom and emotional intimacy. Only when we turn off our fears and understand that loving without reservation means trusting, will we achieve happiness. In some way, it will be of no use to us to seek the closeness of others if we do not first manage, like hedgehogs, to appease our sharp parts.