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Emotional codependency refers to a type of dysfunctional relationship that generates a lot of suffering for the parties involved. Below, we tell you the central characteristics of these links and how to overcome them.
Codependency is a type of addiction towards another person, which can occur both in relationships and within the family: for example, between a mother and a daughter. Thus, regardless of the context, in very marked dependency relationships, the dependent person feels that he needs the other, just as he needs his heart, to continue living.
In this sense, dependency goes beyond the mere desire to be by someone’s side. It has to do with thinking that the other is essential or irreplaceable for us to feel good: their presence is a necessary condition for this to happen. It is a need that must be satisfied in any path, no matter how particular and specific, that leads to happiness.
Emotional dependence is often accompanied by jealous, manipulative or possessive behavior of the loved person, which leads to the wear and tear of the loved one, who ends up leaving the relationship and making the dependent’s irrational belief come true; namely: without you I am nothing.
On other occasions, what happens is that it is not only one member of the couple who is attached to the other, but They are both the ones that depend, just in different ways. In this sense, we enter into what is known as emotional codependency.
What happens in a codependent relationship is that there is a dependent member whose happiness ultimately depends on their partner being by their side and not abandoning them. On the other hand, the other member is also dependent, but dependent on the partner’s dependence on her.
Codependency or altruism?
To understand each other better, the dependent person needs their partner and the codependent person needs to protect, care for, help and worry about the well-being of their partner. It is true that Taking caring actions towards your partner is extremely necessary to keep the relationship afloat.but as long as they are done altruistically, out of love for that person and not to feed an underlying dependency.
The behaviors that derive from codependency, the only thing they generate is the strengthening of the dependency between both and the fact of filling internal voids that have not been properly satisfied in childhood.
It’s as if Ensuring the safety of the other, protecting them excessively or caring for them as if they had no resources to do so empowers the codependent couple in some way. and strengthen your self-esteem.
Furthermore, this way of acting is the water that quenches the thirst of the dependent, so the pieces of the puzzle end up fitting perfectly and causing the dependence to be frequently reinforced.
A toxic vicious circle is then created within the relationship: the happiness of one depends on the other person and in turn, the happiness of the latter depends on the need for attachment of the former. It may seem strange, but studies tell us that this is how some couples form or survive.
What is the ultimate result of this dynamic? The codependent couple never experiences a healthy and satisfying relationship, but instead suffering and the feeling of emptiness within the relationship become protagonists.
In the rare case that the relationship lasts over time, both have to endure tremendously intense discomfort, since they end up losing even their own identity.
Symptoms and characteristics of emotional codependency
Although the protective person may seem strong, the truth is that this is not the case. Actually, In caring behaviors for your partner you find the only way to take care of your self-esteem. Thus, if you want to learn more about the symptoms of emotional codependency, keep reading:
Self-esteem is conspicuous by its absence
As we said before, codependent people usually have low self-esteem that they try to compensate with the feeling of usefulness, of knowing that they are valuable to others, in this case to their partner.
In many cases, This deficiency originates from an anxious attachment pattern that began to form in childhood., in the relationship he established with his main reference figures. In this sense, it is easy that they only rewarded her when she did something for them; From there is how she learned that her value only depended on what she was able to contribute to others.
They seek to control the other person
Since their self-esteem depends on the other person needing them, they tend to use manipulation and control as a way to keep “their victim” from escaping. That is to say, To feel valuable and useful, they need the other person to continue maintaining their dependent behaviors. and they can only ensure this by controlling the couple.
Another common strategy to maintain dependence on others is to undermine their self-esteem. Yeah, make the other person feel invalid or worthless, so that they need someone to come to the rescue. That’s when she appears, apparently selflessly and sacrificing herself.
They fear the independence of the other
The moment they realize that the other person has taken some more independent action, such as making a decision alone, they panic and try to restore this situation.
Therefore, it is not uncommon for them to abandon what they are doing in order to help the other person and continue to maintain your position as protector of the other.
They fear that the other person will get it on their own and realize that they don’t really need anyone’s help or that there are other people, apart from the codependent person, who can help them.
They become obsessed with the couple
In their heads, the couple is a focus of constant supervision. In this way, they become obsessive, end up losing themselves and believe that making their partner’s life easier is the only mission from which they can obtain well-being. Besides, If they make a mistake in this sense, they hardly forgive themselves and frustration floods them.
They need approval too much
The approval of others is a universal reinforcement and in many cases a valid source of information to evaluate our performance, but when we place all our self-esteem in the judgment that others may make, we have a problem.
In this sense, Codependent people have a great need for approval that they try to cover, often regardless of the form. And who better to give immediate probation than the dependent person?
They feel responsible for the emotions of the other
Although we know that other people’s emotions do not belong to us, we can often feel responsible for how others feel. It is not strange, we have been educated in this sense. “Don’t make dad angry”, “If you do, mom will be sad”.
However, this thought is much more marked in codependent people: They believe that the other is right or wrong depending on how they have acted. Thus, on many occasions they end up carrying responsibilities that do not correspond to them or with guilt for something that has never been in their hands.
They usually reproach the couple
On the one hand, they need to feel useful by helping their partner or another person around them who is dependent on them. However, the moment it does something that contradicts this pattern, They tend to blame or reproach them as a strategy to make the other person feel bad and change their behavior..
Expressions of the type are common in this sense: “With everything I do for you and this is how you repay me”“You don’t know what I sacrifice for you”, “I have left everything to make you happy”, etc.
The concept of emotional codependency was created expressly to classify all those people who manifested emotional disturbances as a result of their partners suffering from a substance-related disorder. Like, for example, drug addiction or alcoholism. Given this variability, currently, a personality pattern for this type of person cannot be clearly defined.
However, the characteristics that have been described in this article do allow us to identify some salient features of this emotional codependency. In addition to all of them, others less striking, but particular to this poor adaptation are the personal neglect and self-nullification; coupled with very low confidence and self-esteem. And the fact that these people usually have a history of loving, personal and/or sentimental relationships characterized by their toxicity.
Psychological intervention for codependency
As we said at the beginning, codependency is not only a phenomenon that occurs within couples. In fact, this type of dysfunctional relationship is very common in those family members who care for the chronically ill, disabled, alcoholics or drug addicts.
However, The best way to end this dynamic is through psychological intervention.which is not limited to direct therapy with the plaintiff, but also usually includes the other person involved.
Among the most effective therapies is cognitive behavioral, which aims to overthrow the codependent’s erroneous beliefs, as well as their feelings of guilt. Likewise, psychological assistance in these cases usually pursues the following objectives:
Strengthening self-esteem and reconstruction of personal identity. Training in communication skills so that the patient expresses their feelings, desires and needs assertively.Development of autonomy of the patient. Promote self-care habits.Training for emotional control.Overcoming the fear of being without the person with whom you have a codependent relationship.
Did you feel identified throughout the article? Although this way of acting in a couple may surprise us, it is more common than we can imagine. Therefore, if you have felt identified, analyze what is failing, give your self-esteem a chance and Dare to experience a healthy relationship.
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