The theory of emotional security: parents and love

How was your childhood? Did you grow up with parents who treated each other with respect and affection? Were you a witness to his affection or perhaps were you a witness to his lack of love? Most of us have a memory of what the relationship between our parents was like. That image not only offered us a first model of what human bonds and interactions are like, but it also marked us in many ways.

Growing up with the imprint of a home in constant dialectical battle makes us involved from early on in an adverse emotional climate, loaded with resentments and conflicts. The child who witnesses his parents’ confrontations is a child who grows up with a distorted vision of what love is. And something like that is a tragedy.

Likewise, when a couple is not mature or brave enough to end a relationship that is harmful, this situation worsens to the maximum. Relational discomfort is so deep that sometimes the most important thing is neglected: parenting. Parents who do not love each other or who love each other badly do not always give their children what they deserve and need. for its good development. We analyze it.

Parents who love and respect each other provide their children with a reference model that will benefit them in their lives.

The theory of emotional security: what does it consist of?

The theory of emotional security It has its roots in the construct of attachment defined by the psychiatrist and psychoanalyst John Bowlby. According to this approach, family conflicts affect the child’s psycho-emotional development. The little ones, far from remaining oblivious to these disagreements, witness them to evaluate them and create basic mental schemas about human relationships.

Now, there is another aspect that is perhaps more problematic. The children of a conflicting couple feel less safe, less protected and cared for. They grow up with a feeling of constant threat thinking that, at any moment, these negative emotional manifestations will also reach them. Something that, as we well know, sometimes happens.

It is common, for example, for that mother or father on a warpath to use their children as victims for emotional blackmail. Sometimes, they can manipulate them to position themselves in favor of one or the other. Sadly, they can also project their frustration and unhappiness onto them. The couple that treats each other badly and leads to self-destructive dynamics drags their own children into that maelstrom of suffering…

The aftermath of destructive interparental conflict

Emotional security theory tells us that children are affected by constructive and destructive interparental conflict.

The former define those disagreements that are resolved in an effective and mature manner. Addressing differences positively provides children with an enriching model on how to face relational challenges.

The problem lies in destructive interparental conflicts in which resentment, hatred and bad words become entrenched. Research from Kyoto University, for example, highlights that these types of situations leave serious consequences on child development.

It is common to see children with lower social skills and serious problems regulating their emotions. Disagreements and confrontations between parents cause them to grow up showing more aggressive behavior and also show very poor strategies for solving problems. At the end of the day, they end up integrating into their mental records what they have always been exposed to.

Children’s coping responses in situations of parental conflict

This information is interesting. Not all children react in the same way to interparental conflict. Each child usually demonstrates a type of reactivity to these negative coping dynamics of caregivers.

There are boys and girls who act as mediators, who end up acting in a more mature manner than their parents when trying to regulate these disagreements. They are creatures forced to grow up prematurely who lose their childhoods by acting as regulators of conflict in the face of said parental incompetence.

The theory of emotional security tells us that children forced to mature hastily also grow up without that healthy attachment so essential for their development. It is common for them to reach adulthood with many shortcomings and with the role of caregiver integrated into their DNA.

On the other hand, There are also children who, instead of acting as mediators, withdraw from said interaction. They move away from those stressful sources out of fear, because they feel threatened by this climate of weariness, shouting and disaffection. This atmosphere permeates children’s minds, making them more vulnerable to mood disorders.

Children understand more than we think and parents’ disagreements leave deep marks on them.

Couples who stay together for their children, a big mistake

The theory of emotional security can be understood from a very simple image. When a child grows up in an emotionally nurturing environment, in which he is offered security and sincere affection, he has before him a golden bridge to go out into the world. On the other hand, those who are in a parental environment full of conflicts, in which their upbringing is neglected, face a broken bridge for their future.

This does not mean that you can become a happy person and capable of achieving your goals. Absolutely. It means that you will encounter more potholes, more insecurities, difficulties and fears. What conclusion can we draw from this approach? A very basic one. No creature deserves to develop in a scenario dominated by lack of love, aggressiveness, resentment and confrontation.

The home whose parents are more focused on their own problems and disagreements ends up neglecting their children. Negatively valenced emotions are the oxygen we breathe every day and all of this leaves consequences. If the love and respect of the couple disintegrates, a separation is necessary, for the good of all.

Any separation or divorce is hard, but it is even more adverse to grow up in a house where shouting and reproaches are the daily soundtrack.. Committing to the well-being of children must always be our highest priority. Let’s take it into account.

You might be interested…