Why are you afraid of men?

Let’s start with a story. She is about a woman who went to live in a cave, within the mountains. She wanted to learn from a teacher who had promised to teach her everything she needed to know to live. The teacher gave him many books and old scrolls, full of wisdom. He also indicated to her that every day he would come to see her to see how much she had progressed in her learning.

The next day he returned and asked the woman if she had learned to live. She told him no. Then the teacher took a stick that he was carrying in her hand and hit her on the back. The woman was very scared and from that moment on she tried to read and understand as much as she could. But still, the next day the same thing happened: she didn’t know how to respond to the teacher and he hit her.

Everything remained the same, until one day the woman got fed up with the situation. When her teacher was going to hit her, she grabbed his arm and did not allow him to do so. Then the wise man looked at her sweetly and said these words to her: “You have already learned everything there is to know to live. You learned to stop the pain. You can go.”

When you are afraid of men

It will be said that we are already in the 21st century and that it is not possible for women to continue to exist with fear of men. But this is not true. There are many women, on all continents, who continue to suffer from this great fear.

There are various modalities. There are those who fear men and avoid contact with them. There are those who do the opposite: they constantly seek contact with men, even though they are afraid of them. There are, finally, those who are afraid of a specific man.

Fear as a phobia

Some women feel an intense and irrational fear of all men. That is why they avoid contact with the male sex and any approach makes them extremely tense.

It is common for this fear to be expressed as a kind of philosophy of life that justifies it.. They say that “work comes first,” or that “men are an unnecessary burden,” or that “good men no longer exist.” Whatever they say, the truth is that they reject contact with men, before even giving them a chance to get to know them.

They are actually afraid. This type of phobic fear usually has its origin in some past traumatic experience. and of high depth. It could have been a very negative relationship with the father, sexual abuse during childhood or a negative experience with a partner.

Fear as dependence

Other women fear the reactions of the man they love. They become expert pretenders and liars to prevent that man from having any unpleasantness and, who knows, perhaps reject them or leave them if they do not satisfy him. They are the type of women who fictitiously please the man they love.. They need him desperately and pretend that they are capable of meeting all his needs, and his follies.

You see them saying “don’t tell him I came to visit you, because he doesn’t like me seeing my friends.” “I better not tell him that the vase broke, because he adored that piece.” “Don’t let the children scream, because it bothers him.”

The fear of “bullies”

For one reason or another, there are also women who find themselves involved in relationships with real “thugs.” The ones that give you a black eye, without making a hair move. Those who “get along” with women by hitting them, by force.

Women who live with a man like this see themselves as people without any energy. for something other than dealing with the beast they have in the house. They pale, become gloomy, gray, as if lifeless. It’s as if they are permanently stunned.

Fear traps them like a dark labyrinth and then they become evasive, distant. They can become very religious people, or addicted to soap operas. They are very dreamy, but they feel powerless to even think about changing their reality.

overcome fear

Deep down in these three forms of fear There is a common element: the belief that it is impossible to live without a man. The idea that you have very little value as a person and that you are unable to successfully process feelings of loss and loneliness.

The woman who avoids men thinks that if she were to get involved with one of them she would end up losing and suffering. The one who lives to please a man, she behaves like a little girl who would be orphaned without him. The one who admits abuse, she doesn’t believe she has the strength to make her own life and send that jerk to fry asparagus.

It is ultimately a fear of being free. A fear of growing up. A fear that has been transmitted for millennia and that feeds on itself. As in the story at the beginning, these are fears that are only overcome when they are faced and faced. That is the lesson that remains to be learned: say enough is enough and stop the pain.

Image courtesy of Claire Mojher, Yelena bryksenkova.