The 5 “A” to communicate better

As social beings that we are, we have developed devices that allow instantaneous communication between two people each located on one end of the planet. Physical distance is no longer a limitation or an impediment to connect them.

However, the human being may be unable to understand himself with his co-worker, your child or your partner. And we are not always able to overcome the barriers that make it difficult for the messages issued to always be well interpreted.

Virginia Satir, pioneer of communication and family therapy, said that communication is to personal health and personal relationships what breathing is to life. learn to communicate better it could facilitate the development of people, oxygenate couples, families and organizations, as well as avoid enormous suffering.

We are not always right, we should know

There are not a few authors who affirm that integrating an effective communication model could create a world of coexistence more peaceful and harmonious. In fact, the word communication comes from the Latin communis: “common”. Communicating is putting together and laying the foundations of a community in which all its members can show themselves, grow and satisfy their needs with the collaboration of those around them.

What obstacles should be overcome to enrich communication and, with it, relationships and life? Nothing can improve if there is no intention of knowing what the interlocutor feels and what is happening to him. One of the drivers of communication is the desire to understand what other people’s worldview is like, while his greatest enemy is the overriding need to be right.

“When it comes to communicating, one often seeks to feel stronger than the other. The person does not realize that more important than gaining power over another is maintaining control over oneself. Sometimes the words that are spoken do not only hurt others but also to ourselves because of the image that they return of oneself and the discomfort that they contain”points out Robert Long, NLP trainer at the Institut Integratiu de Barcelona.

Long tells this story of Idries Shah: “There came a guest who called himself a seeker of the truth and the innkeeper told him: ‘If you seek the truth you need to have, first of all, a quality.’ guest–: an invincible longing for truth.” “No,” the innkeeper corrected him, “an assiduous willingness to admit that you may be wrong.”

It is not easy to show vulnerability or run the risk that by accepting the other’s discourse, our beliefs will be dismantled. Through an authentic conversation one can feel as caressed by words as offended by them. Really relating is maintaining contact with the other, visiting – even for a few moments – their particular worldview.

The current social context does not contribute to this. Today communication is more of an instrument to reaffirm, compete, sell a product or oneself, and even manipulate, instead of getting to know the other, learning, collaborating or growing with him.

The recipe for the five “A’s”

the challenge is recover the true greatness and function of communication: enrich the subjective experience, which isolates the person, to get closer, coordinate, get excited and carry out projects by joining forces.

Experts propose applying the five “A’s”:

Attention to listen to the other and offer them time (one might wonder how many times we are fully present in a conversation with a child, for example). Acceptancewhich implies not trying to change the other or what he says, being aware that there are other truths and ways of evaluating reality. Appreciation to show respect in any condition, something that is difficult due to the tendency to judge. Keen to keep it in mind and offer it, even if there are discrepancies in what is discussed. Opening to understand and integrate as much as possible the speech of the other.

The fear of listening

“Listening does not mean shutting up, but accurately capturing the person in front of you, listening to them with your eyes. Listening implies cultivating a state of inner silence to make themselves available to the other by lowering the volume of the constant internal discourse that triggers reactions. Listening means stopping before the other, telling him with body and mind: “this time is for you”, says Ferran Ramón-Cortés, founder of the 5 Fars Institute, which helps improve communication and relationship skills. but it costs overcome the inertia of haste and feartwo other major obstacles to communication.

Ferran warns: “Many bosses are afraid to listen to their employees in case they have complaints or demands that they cannot attend to. It also happens in families when they prefer not to address, depending on what issues, fear of emotions that they can trigger.”

“The brain blocks listening to what the other says and it does not fit with my map Ferran continues. Experiments have been carried out with politicians, among others. When leaving a debate, they are asked about the basic content of their opponent’s speech and they do not remember it. Because the brain is selective and only lets in the messages that reaffirm your beliefs!”

Ferran summarizes: “If I think you’re a bore, I only perceive what confirms what I think. Communication is a myopic game. We are basically inside ourselves.”.

Expand this skewed view It involves taking responsibility for the results that are obtained with the communications that are made and that are mostly a living reflection of our internal dialogues. Being more aware of them will therefore help, as well as setting a clear goal.

Sol Martínez, NLP trainer and psychotherapist, affirms: “Instead of reacting automatically, you should ask yourself: What is happening to me? What do I feel before these words? And also: What is my true intention: to show myself strong, to convince, to get closer…? What emotions does my speech hide? What am I saying this for? Otherwise one gets carried away and ends up in the place from which he wanted to flee”.

And adds: “There are people who would never validate the intention of their communication if they were aware of it: they wouldn’t accept that part of themselves who tries to control their partner or manipulate for their own interest”.

The four magic keys of language

Marshall Rosenberg, author of Nonviolent communication: a language of life (Ed. Gran Aldea), has created a model to implement this type of communication between children. Distinguish between the style of the jackal and that of the giraffe: the jackal forces, gives orders, compares, judges, analyzes, moralizes, accuses; the giraffe, with its long neck, has good perspective and clear vision.

When you feel mistreated or want to impose your desire, you tend to use the language of the jackal that divides. According to Rosenberg, generalizations when speaking (“always”, “never”, “everything”, “nothing”…), comparisons and accusations create a climate of alienation and mistrust that predisposes the interlocutor against.

In contrast, the giraffe language unifiesembraces the negative part of the other with compassion, speaks from the heart and withholds feelings, whether positive or negative.

the giraffe has four magic keys:

the key to the mouthwhich opens the heart to express itself. The key to the earswhich helps to listen openly, without judgment or rush to respond. the key of the eyeswho observes, learns and gets to know those with whom we communicate. the key to the heartwhich only opens with the other three keys above.

This communication model has been found to cooperation and mutual listening increase in children and reduces the level of violence. With him the needs of all are valued equally. And when the person with whom you disagree perceives that there is a real interest in what he is feeling, he relaxes.

“The judgments we make about others are the expression of our unsatisfied needs. We must focus more on what we want instead of what is wrong with others or with ourselves“, emphasizes Rosenberg.

Communicating is learning to dance as a couple

The couple is accused when a personal need has not been satisfied. A father gets angry with his son if his expectations have not been met. In these cases, speaking from the rejection causes the rejection of the other person. According to Ferran Ramón-Cortes, “to offset the effect of one criticism, at least five compliments are required. But in the workplace it is found that there is one praise for every ten critics. In addition, one is very precise when it comes to criticizing and very little when it comes to praising“.

It is convenient to be clear that people cannot be changed nor do they have to act according to our will, as well as to investigate what is the need that the other seeks to cover with their words. Communicating is learning to dance with the otherholding out one hand to accompany him, while the other remains close to his heart to ensure that he expresses himself authentically and lets some of his vulnerability surface.

“The difficulty lies in combining self-actualization with self-transcendence, because it is so important to express and ask for what one needs with empathy and affection like understanding the other and allowing oneself to be impregnated by their speech. If you want to create a we, an excess of attention to the I is just as harmful as an exaggerated care of the you.“, says Anna Forés, co-author of Assertiveness, for extraordinary people and Resilience, growing from adversity (both in Ed. Platform). Find this balance is a learning that lasts a lifetime. But in the same way that if a neuron does not interact it dies, the life of a person without healthy communication is suffocated.

The four stages of communication

Marshall B. Rosenberg proposes dividing communication into four stages:

observe the words and specific acts that affect well-being. Describe the situation without judgment: “I see…”, “I hear…”, “The situation is…”. Identify and express emotions that have been generated: “I feel…”. Find out what needsvalues ​​and unsatisfied desires are behind this feeling: “My need is…”, “I would like…”. Formulate a specific requestpositive and feasible: “Please could you…”, “Would you be willing to…?”.

The final formula would be: when “a” happens, I feel “b”, because what I need is “c”; therefore, I would like “d”. “A field extends beyond the ideas of acting right or wrong. There we will meet.“(Rumi).