Affective responsibility: what it is and why it is being claimed in couple relationships

The new digital platforms and the interpersonal relationships that occur through them have highlighted the reality that each time we relate in a more deactivated way. Acting with “affective responsibility” goes just the opposite: it implies being fully aware that the way you behave or what you say has an impact on the life or emotional world of others.

What is affective responsibility?

The concept of “affective responsibility” It began to take shape in “free love” communities during the 1980s, when it was taken for granted that in those relationships the feelings of the other did not matter.

Noelia Benedetto, a feminist psychologist with a gender perspective, points out that the emergence of this concept came to strongly question this message and to say that it may be that the relationships you establish with another person are of a fleeting, casual or ephemeral nature but that this does not obviate in any case that it should be respected.

It seems that in today’s society the idea is spreading more and more that if it is not a “romantic or deep bond” the other should be indifferent to you. Well, Tamara Tenembaum (2021), philosopher and author of The End of Love: Loving and Fucking in the 21st Centuryargues that there is something immoral about treating people as if they don’t matter.

Because affections are present not only when the nature of the relationship is “long-term”, “romantic”, “monogamous” or “faithful” Rather, we have to consider that, from the outset, it is completely utopian to talk about a bond that is not affective, even if you only have a sexual relationship with another person, and this is so because there is no way to relate to others in a way that does not affect us. at some point.

What’s more, instead of talking about “affective responsibility” Tamara uses the term “affective ethics” and Janet Hardy wrote a book entitled “Promiscuous Ethics”, both defend that in all relationships, even those that are not built on the basis of the coordinates of monogamy and traditional fidelity, it would fit the existence of an ethic.

It would be an ethic whose object would be to care for the other person to avoid, not the suffering itself, but all the unnecessary pain we can contribute. To do this, we first need to recognize and be aware that every act we perform in a relationship will have a consequence on the other side and cause an emotional impact.

Somehow, is related to the concept of empathy towards others which Carl Rogers (1961) said works when we perceive another person’s world as if it were our own. It would be that magical “mirror” that reveals to us what the other person is feeling – happiness, sadness or confusion. From that root will emerge the dazzling lotus flower of compassion that is empathy as a response to pain. And, it will bear fruit to reach out to others to alleviate their suffering.

Many of us have fought with more or less success, sometimes on one side of the scale, sometimes on the other, delicate and complex moments, for example: the breakup of a relationship.

How to apply affective responsibility

How would this concept of affective responsibility be applied if we know that we can cause pain to another? This can be extremely difficult, especially if the other person disagrees or fails to understand our motives. That would be about “how do we do it”, about try to display in the farewell affection, affection, gratitude and respect for what we have shared and learned together, empathizing and caring for the other person “even if caring for them means that I no longer want to be in that relationship,” says Tamara.

In such a situation, the affective responsibility would be in the ethics of the care that I grant to the other and in taking responsibility for what I do with the other. The border would be established in that, if the other person feels bad, I should assume that I cannot prevent the emotional blisters caused by the tear of the rupture because that part corresponds to the management of the other person’s emotional world, that is, he or she will have to go through their particular loss process.

It is important to reflect on the values ​​that we promote in our society, immersed as we are in a social context that encourages rather egocentric and narcissistic attitudes, these are not very consistent with this “ethic of care”, and are intermingled in the so-called “liquid relationships”. ”, a concept coined by the sociologist Zygmunt Bauman. Consequently more and more people feel a growing emotional insecurity when it comes to relating.

In this type of relationship, the nature of the emotional bond is based on superficial contacts. that presuppose the presence of the other person rather as someone who exists, “is there”, to satisfy our demands and needs. It would be something like relating to someone to “stay with the good that that person brings you and get away from him when he touches the negative part.” The so-called “business love”.

How to relate with affective responsibility

It seems that the new digital platforms echo this new “social currency of relating” increasingly disturbing and disaffected that evades the responsibility that ties with people imply care beyond the titles we give them.

Acting with “affective responsibility” goes just the opposite. The essential points to keep in mind to relate to “affective ethics”, “ethics of care” or “affective responsibility” would be the following:

1. Establish agreements and limits

It would be about establish agreements and limits, even if it is a one-night stand, in order to respect and not hurt the other person on purpose. Communicate:

What we like What we don’t like The expectations we have

Listen to ourselves and know what we want and really listen to what the other person wants and not fall into the trap of self-deception. For this it is important develop remarkable emotional skills for example:

2. Communicate with empathy

Communicate with empathy since ties with other people imply care and what we do and say has an impact on others. So it is convenient:

Do not delude or give double messages to the other person with whom you have no interest in building some kind of relationship. Do not confuse the other person as to the bond we have. Do not disappear without prior notice. Clearly explain the intentions you have with the people you associate with

3. Communicate changes of opinion

Acting with “affective ethics” is also telling someone you are meeting that there is no feeling, or that you don’t feel any connection, or that you don’t feel comfortable before ghosting them, saying you don’t have time, or disappearing for no apparent reason.

4. Take other people’s emotions into account

Take charge of our emotions without blaming other people or burden other people with our emotions. We must take the time to welcome them, internalize what we feel and ask ourselves why I feel the way I do.

Keep in mind that other people’s emotions may have nothing to do with my emotional reality, they are different.