My son is gay, now what? |

The title of this article reproduces the anguished question that many mothers and fathers ask themselves when they discover that their son or daughter is homosexual. In 2014, the subject came to the fore when presenter Marcelo Tas revealed how he dealt with his daughter Luiza’s transsexuality, who began to respond as Luc. Your son may have told you, or you may have found out that he is gay by snooping into his private life. The fact is that learning that one’s son is gay is generally shocking. Less and less shocking, it is true, given the fact that we live in more enlightened times when it comes to sexual matters. There is no shortage of information for people to better understand things that would have been much more difficult to understand decades ago.

But let’s go. Your son is gay. And now? The answer is simple in theory, but it will take conscious effort to incorporate it: and now, the fact is, he is still your son. Nothing has changed in this regard and, believe me, using emotional blackmail or religious discourse will not make your child stop being homosexual. At most, he will learn to lie to you, which, let’s face it, completely falls outside the scope of a healthy family relationship.

Some parents kick their children out of the house or carry out reprimands to varying degrees. There are even those who beat their teenage children, or restrict their freedom. Deep down, attitudes of this type derive from the most absurd fantasy. There are fathers and mothers who think that if they impose various punishments on their children, they will “stop being” what they actually are. Sorry, but if you think like that, you’re mistaken. At most, you will manage to create a liar. And that’s if he wants to remain close to you, because there are children who simply disappear from the lives of their blackmailing parents as soon as they manage to fend for themselves. On several websites and even Facebook groups, we can find countless reports of homosexual people who completely lost contact with their parents and went to live their lives. If this is sad for them, imagine for the parents… How then can you avoid the destruction of your relationship with your beloved child?

understanding homosexuality

First, forget about “sexual orientation”. You will hear this expression frequently in the media and even in seemingly specialized books. In general, those who use such an expression do not do so out of malice, but a closer look demonstrates how unfortunate this phrase is. If sexual preference were an option, no one would choose to have a taste that makes one almost automatically a victim of social prejudice. Think: did you choose to like the opposite sex? It wasn’t like that, was it? You gradually discovered that you were interested in the opposite sex. Guess? With homosexuals it’s the same thing! They like the same sex for the same mysterious reason that most people prefer the opposite sex.

The fact is that nobody, absolutely nobody knows what makes a person interested in the same sex or the opposite. There is no scientific evidence that the cause is genetic or psychological. Even Sigmund Freud, father of psychoanalysis, to whom the idea that homosexuality originates in creation is erroneously attributed, wrote clearly in his work: the most likely thing is that human sexuality, like everything in human beings, is multicausal. There is not one cause, but several, and they are probably different for each human being. Anyway, regardless of what the causes are, the French philosopher Michel Foucault once said – and very well said – that more than an explanation for sexual tastes, what human beings need most is an art of well-being. to live. The art of taking care of yourself. And “taking care of yourself” is a prerogative for all human beings, whether homo, hetero or bisexual.

the parent’s side

Then you can argue and say: “I don’t want my son to suffer in this prejudiced world”. I’ll tell you something that’s no secret and should be obvious: it’s impossible to stop people from suffering. It is unfeasible to eliminate the possibility of suffering from a child’s life. And I’ll say more: it’s unhealthy to fantasize about paternal or maternal protection that goes beyond the borders of your child’s adult life. Not only does this infantilize your child, it creates a pathological relationship between you. Also, have you ever stopped to look around the straight world? Do people stop suffering because they are heterosexual? And if you think that in the case of homosexuals there is more suffering, I tell you that this is only true as long as most people think like you.

Another common affliction is thinking “Oh my God, I’m not going to have grandchildren!” Well, your son or daughter is homosexual, not sterile. Homosexuals can perfectly reproduce, either through artificial insemination, or through unpleasant sex, whose purpose is solely reproductive, or they can even perform one of the most generous and beautiful acts, which is to adopt a child. There are millions of children without families waiting for parents without children. And even if your son was straight, who’s to say he’d be a father? What if he’s a straight guy who hates the idea of ​​babysitting? Having or not having grandchildren should not be a blackmail argument against your son or daughter’s true love desire. If you want to take care of children again, how about adopting one instead of imposing your dream on others?

You may also find – and this is very common – that your son or daughter thinks he is homosexual because he has never experienced the opposite sex. First of all, how do you know he’s never tried it? And even if he never tried it, it is false to suppose that such a thing is necessary. If he has to do it, he will do it of his own free will, on the day he feels the desire. Sexuality as an obligation is the direct path to suffering.

Finally, there is the religious issue, which is an important part of the lives of many families. Different religions approach the issue of homosexuality in different ways: there are those that accept, those that condemn and those that are indifferent to the topic. Some authors, such as Father Daniel Helminiak, author of the book “What the Bible really says about homosexuality”, show that there may be different interpretations for this subject.

Brazil is a country where being homosexual generates far fewer problems than in other places. In our country, a homosexual person can leave a pension for his or her partner, can adopt children, can enter into a civil union… Homosexuals have won many rights and, although many others are still missing, great steps have already been taken and will continue to be.

So, if you really care about the possibility of your son “suffering more” for being homosexual, make an effort not to be another reason for suffering in his life. In general, homosexual people learn not to care about possible manifestations of prejudice. Some even react and teach great lessons to the prejudiced. But when prejudice comes from the family itself, especially from parents, this type of suffering is almost irrecoverable. It generates deep wounds and wounds that are difficult to heal. It is no wonder that the incidence of suicide attempts is higher among gay men – it is not because they are gay that they try to kill themselves, it is because of their parents who do not accept them as they are! You who gave life to your son, think of the horror it would be to become a likely contributor to his death. You, who gave life to your son, think about how wonderful it will be to collaborate for his happiness. And there is no greater happiness than being able to be what you are, with the support of those who claim to love you.

So I say to you: what now? And now, accept it. Get used to it. Your son is what he is, and what he is goes far beyond an extension of you. He’s not a robot, he’s not a project. He is a person with desires of his own. Admire him for it. And don’t just “tolerate” his sexual preference. Respect her.

Our children are not our children…

They are the sons and daughters of life desiring itself.

They come through us, but not from us,

And although they are with us, they do not belong to us.

We can give you our love, but not your thoughts,

For they have their own thoughts,

We can house their bodies, but not their souls,

For their souls live in the house of tomorrow,

that we cannot visit, not even in your dreams.

We can fight to be like them,

but we will not endure to make them like us.

For life does not go backwards, nor does it wait for the past.

We are the arch from which our

children are shot like living arrows.

(Kahlil Gibran, poet and philosopher)

If you are the father or mother of a homosexual person, or if you suspect this, you can contact the Associação Brasileira de Pais e Mães de Homossexuals