If you suffer psychological abuse, why can’t you leave the relationship?

If you suffer psychological abuse and are unhappy, the question on the horizon is: why don’t you leave? Behind this question, which many often ask the person who is subject to a harmful and exhausting relationship, a very complex reality can hide. In these bonds of domination is fear. It inhabits shame, indecision, confusion and even love. These are very difficult situations to understand for those who do not experience it.

Something that neuroscience often tells us is that our brain is designed to promote connection between us. Thus, When starting a relationship, something more than a commitment or a life together is established.. Our brain structures also become accustomed to that bond, to being nourished by that shared daily life, by that affection, by the intimacy of that mutual space.

All this often means that When controlling behaviors or abuse appear, the other person chooses to minimize the effect. The brain refuses to clearly process the reality of the damage. He clings to the bond because coming to grips with the truth can be tremendously painful. Little by little, perception becomes clouded in a sophisticated self-defense mechanism to preserve the idea that everything is fine.

Psychological abuse is a very sophisticated trap. We cannot therefore trivialize the issue by suggesting that the victim is blind, naive or indecisive for not reacting to this situation. The abusive tactics used by the controlling person are often based on strategies that are as sibylline as they are relentless. It is not easy to get out of that spider’s web overnight.

You suffer psychological abuse and cannot leave the relationship, why is that?

If you suffer psychological abuse, it will take you a long time to accept that reality.. It is possible that those around you have asked you how you tolerate certain acts, certain words and behaviors. However, you distance yourself when they make a comment like this. Others don’t see what you see in your partner. You tell yourself that he/she is someone special, someone worth moving forward for.

You will repeat this internal discourse to yourself day after day until at a given moment it no longer fits. That you are aware of the trap you have fallen into. However, at that time it is common for another dynamic to occur. Despite being aware of the abuse, you will not always feel strong enough to leave the relationship. Because right at that moment, fear will emerge.

What’s more, in studies such as those carried out by Jacobson. N, Gottman. JM and Gortner. And, at the University of Washington, they tell us that These situations can last on average between two and five years. The reasons why it is so difficult to let go of a relationship when you suffer psychological abuse are:

The state of psychological “freezing”

Psychological abuse ultimately has the same impact as trauma. It is a damage that is exerted daily, through the most subtle things. It is a constant beating of self-esteem, dignity, and self-concept.

The victim ends up suffering the same symptoms as in a stressful situation: mental exhaustion, headache, muscle pain, small memory losses… All of this often leads them to a state of psychological “freezing”. That is, the person comes to separate himself from emotions so as not to suffer, so as not to experience pain. Something like this implies that the aggressor is even more motivated to continue causing harm.

Abuse tactics that change thinking style

Something that we often neglect about the effect of psychological abuse is that the abuser starts from a key advantage: love. That way, you will always use said base ingredient to have the power. Every demand, every thread that moves in your favor will be justified by affection, that false double-edged affection to which the other person will always end up giving in.

The victim will make use of self-justifications, cognitive dissonances and false beliefs to integrate into these dynamics and not suffer. Little by little these manipulation tactics will even change your thinking style and personality.. There will be times when she will come to believe that everything that happens is her fault, she will end up hating herself, she will feel shame, anxiety…

The need to narrate ourselves again, to rewrite ourselves correctly

When you suffer psychological abuse you are forced to rewrite yourself again as a person. The deterioration that can be reached is such, the wear and tear and vulnerability are so high, that the clear difficulty in finding strength and leaving the relationship is understandable.

We will need support, it will be highly recommended to have trusted people and professionals to help us rewrite ourselves correctly. Heal us. Psychic abuse may leave no visible marks while completely blurring us. It erases identities, blurs values, eats away at self-esteem and distorts values.

We can narrate ourselves once again, but in a healthy way, with the ink of resilience and using the role of hope. There to shape someone stronger and prepared to write better chapters. Because Although the past is not forgotten, it is only a part of our history, something that does not have to define us to create more beautiful stages, happier stories..

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