Family Constellation to solve problems in relationships

How can we solve problems in our relationships by resolving issues with our ancestors? A Systemic Family Constellation is a very interesting and powerful way to do this (you can better understand the technique here).

A Family Constellation is a systemic therapy – not related to any religion – which works with the idea that when someone has a conflict, they should try to understand this issue within the system they are part of. She works in the “hidden field”, with personal relationships that we don’t consciously see.

be us interpersonal relationshipswith your partner, family or at work, or in situationssuch as how the person relates to an addiction, an illness or an event, such as death or pregnancy, etc.

“The Constellation shows what happens in the occult movement, things that happened and that influence the person’s life and that he doesn’t know, doesn’t remember or doesn’t want to remember, and brings up. By bringing to consciousness what is hidden, it can be cured”, explains therapist Isabela Borges.

It is considered a “brief” therapybecause in just one session you can work on a specific issue in your life and you don’t have to repeat it.

If you want to solve some other aspect, you can do it again, but the best thing to do, according to Isabela, is to wait at least three months.

“That’s because the work, the liberation that happens during the Constellation, needs time. It’s like dammed river water: it needs time for the water to return to its course and reach the sea”, explains Isabela.

If you want to see your relationships from another perspective, try the Tarot of Love here. Next, we’ll talk more about family constellation for relationships, how it works, the teachings and even an exercise for you to do at home.

How does family constellation work for relationships?

A family constellation It can be done in two ways: individually or in groups.

At the individual servicethe therapist uses resources, such as dolls, to represent family members who are constellating (the client himself, the father, mother, grandparents, etc.).

this session can be face-to-face at the constellator’s service location, for example, or onlinebeing each in a place.

in the made version in Groupwho is constellating invites people who are present, that the client himself can take or who do this work or, even, who are in the place to constellate, to play the roles of the family.

Isabela points out that it is important that the client knows where he is and what he wants to constellate. “You need to have a focus, a goal. It must have a starting point and an ending point. The Constellation is like a GPS and will follow this route”, he exemplifies.

From this, the constellator will assemble the family system with the representations, whether people or dolls, and reproduce aspects of the client’s family life.

The constellation seeks to balance relationships, respecting the roles of each one.

Next, therapist and client view issues from a broader point of view and refine the work until they see an identification problem in that system, something unresolved in the family that affects you or some family hierarchy that is out of placelike a son performing functions of the father and vice versa.

The constellation seeks to balance relationships, respecting the roles of each one.

How can family patterns affect love life?

Family and ancestral patterns can affect love life in infinite ways. Starting with mother relationship – the first relationship of one’s life – and of father – the second.

According to Isabela Borges, how the father and mother relate to each other and to the child, it is the first role model someone has in life.

If the couple is in disharmony, by any chance, it means that love is sick. For example, if the mother feels disrespected by her husband or threatened in some way, the tendency is that she does not want to introduce the child to the father. It is an interrupted movement.

With that, the child loses this natural movement of having a father who introduces him to the world, which can cause a lot of conflict of him with his father and that if replicate in other relationships throughout your life.

For example, he may want to take the mother’s husband’s place, when, many times, the father is there, alive, living under the same roof, and then a dispute enters the occult world – it does not mean incest.

When that child grows up, may have difficulty finding a partnerbecause there is already a relationship with the mother itself.

Another example cited by the constellator is the child who witnesses many of the couple’s fights. With that, the tendency is for her to take sides and end up meddling in that relationship.

“The son needs to live in a triangulation with his parents. Sometimes, the child gets in the middle of this relationship, either because the parents call or because the child wants to save the father or mother. When that happens, the triangle becomes a straight line, and many future problems in their relationships are triggered”, says Isabela.

What does the Family Constellation teach?

According to the therapist, the first teaching from the Family Constellation is DON’T JUDGE.

“Your parents gave you life, it’s the greatest gift of all. The problems arise when you start to judge what they did or didn’t do”, she points out.

Learning not to judge leads us to compassion and leads to a chain of empathy and being able to relate better.

In the visible world, it is an understandable pain to have an absent father, for example. However, it’s not up to us to judge that, because we don’t know the reasons and difficulties he had to do that. Perhaps, he also did not have the presence of his own father.

Therefore, the therapist advises the child to look at the situation as an adult, regardless of what it is, and think and say: “Thank you dad you gave me life. I forgive you and I love you”.

“Learning not to judge leads us to compassion and leads to a very good chain of empathy. You end up being much more tolerant with the other and you can relate better, because you understand that you are not here judging the other, be it your parents or your partner, but we are welcoming”, teaches Isabela.

Exercise to understand affective difficulties

Pick up two objects that are close to you.
One to represent his father and the other his mother.Take a deep breath and relax.Look at the object that represents your mother.
Notice how you feel about her. What feelings come up? How do you look at her? How do you feel looked at by her? Reflects.Speak to her out loud:
YES, I accept everything the way it was.
I don’t know what you went through.
And despite everything, you gave me life.
Fully.
I just have to thank you.Feel how it reverberates in you.Now, look at your father.
Reflect on how you feel about him.Then say aloud to him:
My dear father,
thank you so much for the life you gave me along with my mother.
I don’t know what you went through.
And maybe if it were me, I wouldn’t have done as well as you.
And I say YES to everything that happened, the way it was.Look at both of them and say:
I stay here in my son’s place
and I leave with you what is yours.
There’s no way I can get in
I’m too small for that.
And I accept your story as it is. Breathe deeply.

Post exercise reflections

What sensations came about their size (the objects, their parents)? Did you feel smaller or bigger than them? These questions show how you view the family hierarchy.

If you felt bigger than them or one of them, it’s a problem, because we can’t be bigger than the giants that gave us life.

Realize the feelings that came, whether it was easy or difficult. What was most painful? These issues need to be forgiven, released, healed. Try to take the judgment out on them.

Talk about it and mentally say, “Nevertheless… I love and revere you.”

Notice what caught your attention during the exercise. What did you perceive as identical, between object and father or mother? Did the chosen object perfectly represent them? This is because we choose our parents.

This exercise and the Constellation itself is not something that needs to be repeated. As simple as this exercise was, it is done and has validity. Now let the universe flow.