Why am I a cold and distant person with others?

“Why am I a cold and distant person with others?” It is possible that you have also asked yourself this same question after realizing that your way of relating does not follow the same pattern as that of the rest. You are more prudent, more cautious, it is difficult for you to trust and if someone makes a bad impression on you at first you distance yourself instantly. All this makes many call you “heart of ice.”

The truth is that, sometimes, we arbitrarily place labels without understanding how complex human beings are. Not all those who show a certain emotional coldness present, for example, alexithymia.

It’s not that they don’t understand their emotions or have low empathy. Sometimes, beneath that apparent coldness there are multiple defense mechanisms and also the fear of being hurt.

Likewise, another obvious fact occurs. Men and women who show a certain emotional distance in dealings always attract attention. We conceive them as strange and, sometimes, far from understanding what is under that armor, we define them as unfriendly, dry or simply, “strange.”

However, it is always advisable to put quick judgment aside and be thorough when getting to know someone. There are people who are like treasures submerged at the bottom of the sea.. Rusty on the outside, but shiny on the inside.

Why am I a cold and distant person with others?

“Many tell me that I am cold, distant and dry. They label me insensitive and even unfriendly. However, although I may seem very stoic on the outside, I consider myself someone who is sensitive and full of emotions, although it is difficult for others to realize the latter.”

These types of thoughts and verbalizations are not isolated. In fact, there are many people who find themselves at that crossroads: that of showing a somewhat cold treatment but, at the same time, perceiving that inside they experience events and happenings in an intense way.

The first thing we must understand is that each of us are the result of our genetics, the environment where we have grown up and, above all, the experiences we have lived.

What’s more, studies such as those carried out at the University of Manchester in 2020 tell us that Our personality traits also mediate the way we regulate emotions.. That is, factors such as introversion, for example, can make us more restrained when it comes to opening up and connecting with others. However, that does not mean that we lack empathy or that we do not need the closeness of those we love.

Let’s know what’s behind those who ask themselves that why I am a cold and distant person with others.

Avoidant attachment, distance protects me from suffering

This classic concept of psychology, introduced in its day by the developmental psychologist Mary Ainsworth and her mentor John Bowlby, is very useful for explaining certain relationship dynamics. So, Avoidant attachment could explain why this need to mark certain distances.

The origin would be in childhood. When We grow up with parents who are not always available to us, we assume that our emotional needs are not important. This makes us tend to contain ourselves, to keep our emotions, feelings, desires and anxieties to ourselves. What’s more, there is often even a fear that by expressing a need it will be sanctioned or ridiculed.

Therefore, distance and coldness also act as a defense mechanism. Better not to open up too much to others so as not to suffer. All of this would have to do in this case with the attachment style developed in childhood.

Distrust as a result of disappointments

If I wonder why I am a cold and distant person, it is appropriate that I look, for a moment, in my existential rearview mirror. Maybe on my back I carry with me the weight of some disappointment, of an experience that stole my permission to trust others..

Realities, like betrayals, abandonment or lies from people we held in high esteem make us become shell people. In beings that have scabbed and prefer healthy distances, those in which no one touches them excessively so as not to get hurt again.

Independence and self-sufficiency

There are people who They like their independence and self-sufficiency that does not base well-being on the number of friends. They are figures that do not follow social conventions. If they do not want to go to a party or meeting, they will not do so, even if a family member or someone close asks them to. Above all, they value their ability to make decisions and act.

However, This attitude does not mean that they avoid or are uncomfortable enjoying – from time to time – affection and connection with others.. However, in the eyes of others, his behavior is always disconcerting and even misunderstood.

I am a cold and distant person with others because I prefer my social comfort zone.

“It’s true, I am a cold and distant person with others. However, I act like this because my world moves at a different pace. It is more difficult for me to socialize, I am not quick when it comes to opening up to others, to winning the affection of those around me. I am reserved and the truth is that in many cases I prefer my social comfort zone. The few friends/loved ones I already have are enough.”

This is another fairly common reality. This appearance of coldness and distance from the treatment often hides the introversion of those who are more contained in their character.. Your way of relating follows a different rhythm, one in which you need more time to open up emotionally to someone.

What’s more, in many cases they prefer not to have more links than they already have. They have enough with their partner and that best friend, with their family and few acquaintances.

Behind the apparent coldness often hides another way of relating to the environment.. A more cautious, reserved and prudent one. This relational cadence is not always well understood by others. Without a doubt, this is the main peculiarity of someone who appears cold and distant.

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