When you feel bad after a conversation, has that happened to you?

When you feel bad after a conversation, you don’t stop thinking about everything that was said.. Also to what you have not been able to say. You feel the itch of sadness and regret when, for example, you have said things you shouldn’t have. Although it is possible that you may experience some anger because there have been misunderstandings and that causes you great discomfort.

As we already know, it is not always easy to feel satisfied when we have an argument with someone. Now, in this case, more than discussions we are referring to common day-to-day conversations. Those that we can have with friends, partners, co-workers or family. If we think about it, there are many times that we experience a certain discomfort after a specific dialogue.

Let’s reflect on it. How many people are you truly satisfied with after a talk? On average, that number barely fits on the fingers of one hand. Because for an act of communication to be effective and enriching, multiple processes and dimensions are needed. Not everyone knows how to listen. Not everyone expresses themselves assertively or establishes a good emotional connection.

Every communicative situation is more complex than we can think. We analyze it.

When you feel bad after a conversation, why is it?

Zoom, Skype, FaceTime, Google Hangouts… Currently We have become accustomed to using video calls to communicate with each other. We do it at work and also with those dear people we have far away. Thus, something that is becoming increasingly evident is that these resources are not convenient for everyone.

When you feel bad after a video call conversation, you often feel the urge to contact that person again. And the fact that this happens has a meaning: the brain prefers physical closeness and not virtual closeness. This explains why in recent months the feeling of tiredness known as Zoom fatigue.

Conversations at a distance and through screens are not 100% satisfactory. Thus, experts such as Dr. Jeremy Bailenson, founding director of the Virtual Human Interaction Laboratory at Stanford University, remind us that a video call does not always facilitate an authentic emotional connection nor fluid and harmonious conversations.

Now, recent research from Harvard University tells us something even more striking. Not only are these virtual meetings usually somewhat discouraging. Actually, Almost no conversation – even face to face – ends in a satisfactory manner for all parties.

Has it ever happened to you? We analyze what it could be due to.

Why don’t we always feel good after talking to someone?

The research work was published in the journal PNAS just a few days ago. This investigation concluded with the following headline: Only 2% of conversations end when we want them to.. The data is, to say the least, striking and even disturbing.

The authors of this study point out that There is a problem of dialectical, emotional, comprehensive and also attentional coordination.That is to say, sometimes, for example, we can have the classic friend who talks aloud and who also focuses exclusively on himself. This makes us end that dialogue very frustrated.Other times, we cannot be understood as we would like. These are situations in which there are loose ends, unaddressed aspects, and in which we would like to delve a little deeper.Likewise, when you feel bad after a conversation it may also be due to factors such as whether the person in front of you is aware of other things. Talking to someone who constantly looks at their cell phone is annoying. It is also disappointing to perceive that there is a rush, that the person speaking to you sometimes has his mind somewhere else. On the other hand, there is something notable: We don’t always say what we truly want. It is not so much a matter of sincerity, but rather, of “knowing how to communicate, being understood authentically and even having the opportunity.”

We may, for example, be explaining what happened to us at work today to our partner. However, we are not always able to describe all of reality clearly so that it connects with our emotions. Also because, sometimes, The other person brings up another related topic of conversation and in the end the dialogue goes off the rails.

All these dynamics mean that in many cases we remain a little dissatisfied.

What can we do to stay more satisfied in our dialogues?

In communicative theory there is a resource called “endgame” that can help us. No, we are not referring to the Marvel movie, but rather a resource with which to establish simple closing routines and finish a dialogue well with anyone.

In this way, when you feel bad after a conversation, what usually bothers you most is not having made certain things clear or even more so not having been able to touch on certain topics. The resource of endgame or endgame can be introduced by phrases such as “well, the truth is that…”, “what happens anyway is that…”, “I agree, but the truth is that…”

Last but not least, there is a fact that we must consider. A conversation is like a dance and not all people know about dance or have a sense of rhythm. Conversing is flowing, it is letting ourselves be carried away in harmony even when there are complicated movements. Dialogue satisfactorily is the most beautiful coordination that two people can achieve.

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