When family doesn’t help in difficult times

When the family does not help in difficult times, there is only one way out: accept their decision.. Now, something that usually happens is that in addition to not providing support, some of those close members tend to intensify the suffering even more by issuing judgments and criticisms. In this way, they further reduce our psychological resources when it comes to facing these personal difficulties.

Leon Toltstoy said at the beginning of Anna Karenina that ‘All happy families look alike, but every unhappy family is unhappy in its own way’. No doubt. That microuniverse called family that is forcibly given to us when we come into the world, always presents its own particularities. So much so that there are almost never two alike and, sometimes, they even act against nature.

That is to say that far from promoting security and happiness and nurturing their values, they reduce potential and cause wounds. Brands that, in addition, we can carry throughout our entire life cycle. So, if there is something that as adults we know well, it is that The very fact of maturing requires cutting that umbilical cord of the family unit to fulfill ourselves.

We do it to exercise our freedom and create a life through our own decisions, paths taken alone and with determination. However, sometimes it happens: we fall and fail. There are times when adversity comes to us in some of its forms and, then, we always appreciate the understanding and closeness of our loved ones.

Nevertheless, There are families who, instead of supporting, can sink us even further.. They do it with their discouragement, with the projection of guilt, with undervaluation and even with emotional coldness.

When the family doesn’t help: emotional abandonment

It is often said that People are hostages to our families. What we experience every day with these members is part of our emotional and psychological baggage, whether for better or worse. Sometimes, not even having your own place limits this influence. Those fathers, mothers, brothers or uncles continue, in many cases, to have a clear ancestry over us.

In this way, it is common that Many people go to psychological therapy because they have unresolved conflicts, as well as the wounds of dysfunctional families. in which reproaches, violations, criticisms and disagreements are common. Salvador Minuchin, renowned structural therapist, said that the main responsibilities of a family are tolerance, commitment and support.

When these dimensions fail, everything collapses. When the family does not help, does not show understanding or empathy towards any of its members, that microuniverse breaks down..

In times of difficulty, more than help, we need to feel accompanied

When we face a difficulty, we don’t always need those around us to solve our problems. Adversity is not resolved in all cases with money or material resources. So much so that the common denominator that prevails is gratitude for the company.

For example, in a study carried out at the University of Manoa, in Hawaii, carried out by psychologist Thomas Wills, something interesting was demonstrated. The type of support that brings the most psychological benefits to people is the one that cannot be seen.. That is, we value the love of our loved ones, it comforts us to feel that we are valued, understood and protected.

It is the sincere attachment of our people that generates the most well-being. Therefore, When the family does not help and, furthermore, turns its back on us, leaving us in that emotional and understanding void, the pain is very intense.

Families who believe they are helping, when in reality, they do the opposite

Sometimes, another type of equally harmful situation can occur. Just as there are families who can abandon their loved ones, denying them support and closeness, There are those who do take the step and choose to help, but in reality they do it wrong.. They are the ones who deploy a series of actions and resources that tend to intensify suffering even more.

Something we must know is that providing help, in reality, is an art that not everyone knows how to perform and, Sometimes it is better to do nothing than to do it wrong. Effectiveness in terms of knowing what to do, what to say and what not to say requires skills that not everyone has. And, sometimes, within the family there can be situations where one ends up more sunk by parents or siblings who believe they are doing the best.

So in times of need, who do we ask for help?

In our culture, the family is little more than an institution, an almost sacred icon that transcends everything. However, it is in this often overrated scenario that most conflicts, disagreements, disappointments and traumas originate. As Tolstoy said The world is divided into happy and unhappy families and some of us are originally from the former and others from the latter.

What can we do then when adversity comes to us? What to do if the family doesn’t help? In some way, experience already tells us who is and who is not. Each one brings with them their own journey and you have to be intelligent when requesting support. Sometimes, we find that valuable support in other people with whom we do not share genetic code.

Likewise, it is worth remembering one detail. It will always be better not to have someone’s help than to have a clearly pathological closeness. In times of need and difficulty we must continue to maintain adequate clarity of vision to know which shoulder is best to lean on. Let’s think about it.

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