What’s in the mind of someone who ghosts?

The strategy is the following. When I am no longer interested in the relationship with a person, I will stop responding to their messages. I will pretend she doesn’t exist so that, in this way, she will little by little give up and stop communicating with me. I will delete her from my social media and pretend she was never a part of her life. I will disappear without leaving a trace or giving explanations.

This is the subtle and recurring strategy of the “ghost”. That practice, which we now know by its Anglo-Saxon name ghosting, defines a silent way to end a relationship, whether it is a friendship or a couple. Thus, and although it is true that this practice has always existed, today and thanks to digital scenarios it is becoming easier and more common.

So much so that studies such as those carried out by LeFebvre et al., 2019; Timmermans et al.2020, they tell us that between 60 and 70% of adults have suffered an experience of this type. Experts emphasize that, on average, this behavior appears in short-term relationships, where there is not always a clear commitment. Although this, obviously, does not justify the act itself.

Given these realities that are so common today, the question is… What the hell is in the mind of those who do ghosting?

The person they make ghosting She is tormented by endless questions about why this person is not responding and has disappeared.

This is what’s in the mind of someone who ghosts

Most of us have a friend who one day calls us to the brink of despair. They have met someone they liked, they were happy and excited and, suddenly, that person stops answering their cell phone. They met on a dating app, had one or two dates with their respective nights and, from one day to the next, the messages remain seen.

And not only that. They no longer appear on their social networks and the audios and messages in the voicemail remain in limbo, in the black hole of perpetual silence. Our friend then asks us… What if something has happened to him? It is not easy to assume that one is the victim of a ghost, and until one becomes aware of it, the questions do not stop happening.

Now, there is another no less interesting fact. The phenomenon of ghosting It is a two-way street. That is to say, many of those who have suffered the consequences of abandonment without explanations have also done the same at some point. This makes us deduce that Those who use this strategy know that their behavior is incorrect and that it generates suffering. But he still carries it out…

What is there, therefore, in the mind of those who do ghosting?

an avoidant attachment

As we well know, our relationship with our caregivers very often orchestrates the type of relationship we build in adulthood. So, It is very likely that many of these “ghosts” show an avoidant attachment. That is to say, we are dealing with personalities who poorly handle emotional intimacy and who rarely manage to build deep and lasting relationships.

Those who prefer to avoid commitment and emotional closeness will spend their entire lives building fragile bonds.

dark triad of personality

In the mind of the one who makes ghosting there may be the dark triad of personality. A study such as those by Jones and Paulhus, 2014, remind us that these people show traits of narcissism, Machiavellianism and psychopathy. We would be, in certain cases, facing men and women who instrumentalize others.

Generally, they start a friendship or relationship to obtain benefits. When there is no longer interest or we stop being useful to them, we proceed to what we already know: disappear without saying anything. In addition, We cannot ignore the low empathy of these individuals.

They prefer to prioritize what is easy and fast

In this society dominated by immediacy and liquid or fragile ties, it is common for relationships to last little. Not everyone is willing to make the effort to take care of that friendship, that relationship. Immediate reinforcement is sought, interests change quickly and what is not liked is discarded to “jump” to another, more interesting stimulus/person.

Many of those who do ghosting They prefer not to complicate their lives and move only by interests.

Poor communication and need to avoid direct confrontation

In the mind of the one who makes ghosting They navigate clearly immature psychological resources. They lack emotional intelligence and are not always good communicators. They do not know how to express themselves assertively and avoid confrontation at all costs. It’s always easier to disappear than to have to tell someone that you no longer have any interest in them.

They are profiles lacking self-awareness, that is, the ability to reflect on their own actions.. For them, it will always be better to act on impulse than to stop to meditate and reflect.

Many of those who do ghosting They assume that the other person will understand sooner or later that their silence is because they no longer want to maintain that relationship.

In the mind of the one who makes ghosting It is assumed that these practices are normalized

The role that new technologies have in relationships has made the practice of ghosting is normalized. It’s not just a quick strategy to cut off relationships. It is a form of covert communication, a practice that, although it already existed, is now like a silenced but evident message.. If I don’t answer you, get the idea that I have eliminated you from my life because I am not interested in you.

In what situations can it be legal to act as a “ghost”?

It is often said that whoever practices ghosting lacks adequate social and emotional skills. We define them as immature people, lacking even ethical principles and even empathy. However… Is there any situation in which acting as a ghost would be permissible?

The truth is that yes. There are relationships in which one demands limits and changes from a specific person. When a friendship and relationship is abusive, and there is no sign of the behavior improving, disappearing is an acceptable way out. As long as we have exhausted strategies such as communication and assertive demands, there is no other way out but to leave and cut that tie. If the explanations have already been given previously, there is no need to repeat them.

Not responding to messages or calls is an act of mental health for those seeking to get out of harmful relational territories. In this case, we would be practicing a ghosting of survival. And there is nothing wrong with that.

You might be interested…