Newlywed and unhappy? Could it be post-wedding depression?

Imagine the following situation: you spent months planning your wedding, taking care of every detail, making sure everything was nothing short of perfect. The big day arrives and 🇧🇷 Ufa! 🇧🇷 everything conforms. The entire party went as planned and the honeymoon was even better. But despite everything, something bothers you and you can’t feel completely happy.

More than a common dissatisfaction, this feeling of unhappiness in a moment that had everything to be one of the most memorable is frequent in newlywed women and even has a name: post marriage depression🇧🇷

“That term was first coined in the media to portray feelings such as sadness, loneliness, disappointment and lack of purpose, which occurred shortly after the wedding”, explains psychologist and couples therapist Angélica Paula Neumann.

Post-marital depression mainly affects women and is a field with a lack of studies. There is still no certainty about what causes it, but a work carried out in 2016 by researchers Laura Stafford and Allison Scott, from the University of Bowling Green State, identified three factors related to what they called “blue brides🇧🇷 (melancholic brides, in free translation). Are they:

• Lack of clarity regarding the expectations regarding marriage and a certain insecurity as to whether the decision to marry was correct;
• Great investment in planning the day of the ceremony, placing the “bride’s day” above the “couple’s day”, that is, prioritizing their own wishes to the detriment of the relationship as a whole;
• Nostalgia and sadness when thinking about the wedding, accompanied by regret for the end of that day.

For Neumann, all these factors point to the “iimportance of investing in strengthening the marital relationship itself before anything else”. Care is needed so that the preparation of the ceremony does not overshadow its purpose, to celebrate the union between two people who love each other.

life for two

The therapist explains that there are two fundamental aspects for the formation of a couple: the development of commitment to the marital relationship and accommodation between spouses. In this way, “when the planning (of the ceremony) is seen by the couples as a common objective, in which both have their wishes preserved, it can be a factor of bringing the couple closer”.

Care must also be taken with the romanticization of marriage. Marriage is not a magical moment, but “adjustments”. Nurturing unrealistic expectations can thus fuel frustration.

“O partner will not be each other’s perfect half, on the contrary, living with another person is dealing all the time with the imperfection of both. Knowing from an early age that one will not complete the other and meet all your needs is important, as this partner also has their own needs,” explains the expert.

Communication is the key

Together with the symptoms of dissatisfaction, come the guilt for feeling them and the self-demand for a happiness that, supposedly, should be guaranteed. All of this can intensify the disenchantment and even shake the marriage.

“O spouse who feels this way often distances himself from the other. Even for fear of telling how he is feeling, due to this guilt. The partner usually senses that there is something going on, but if this is not talked about between the two, he may not understand,” says Neumann.

Dialogue, however, is not an easy solution. According to the therapist, it takes great maturity on both sides for the conversation to be fruitful. She points out that knowingdifferentiating and understanding that being disappointed with the marriage does not mean that there is no love in the relationship is a factor that helps the spouses to talk about the way they are both feeling”.

And if the conversation can be the first step towards the couple’s rapprochement, the next step is to invest in the relationship itself. For Neumann, any activity that brings the couple closer together, strengthening their bonds, is of paramount importance.

And there’s no use trying to escape the problem by recreating the pre-wedding routine. 🇧🇷It is more important to connect with these feelings and understand what they mean than to escape them by engaging in other activities. When this is the case, psychotherapy can help.”

The expert also draws attention to, at first, avoiding treating the problem as something bigger than it really is. 🇧🇷A certain degree of sadness is a natural human process.and there is nothing wrong with it. […] Many times (the symptoms) go away by themselves, with time. As the couple adjusts to each other, they tend to soften and disappear. However, if they persist for months, it may be time to seek psychological help, through individual psychotherapy or couple therapy.”

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