My ex is dating: 7 steps to deal with it

You had a relationship, you were or wanted to be happy with him, but, like many love relationships, it ended. All women have gone through moments like this and will probably go through a few more. And many of these times, they don’t have the luck or the strength to come out of this breakup well resolved.

Hurts remain, unresolved issues, things that the injured person thinks should be said, but what is most harmful is the feeling of possession. Failing to mean something important in the other’s life and being out of their affairs or programs creates discomfort and makes it even more difficult to accept a new relationship from the ex.

As painful as it is, you have to admit that the lives of the people who went through your story, as well as your life, will continue and both will, consequently, live other romances.

“When the breakup is traumatic and involves a feeling of hurt and extreme rejection, we tend to have great difficulty in the idea that ex means past and that there is life beyond us. In other words, just because your relationship ended doesn’t mean he or you will never be happy with anyone else”, comments psychologist Pâmela Magalhães, a specialist in relationships.

The reality is that relationships come and go and you have to not just accept it, but make an effort to really understand the meaning of that reality and be able to move forward.

Putting this into practice may not be easy. Here’s a step-by-step guide with tips that can help you solve this problem in the best possible way:

1. Avoid dating

As much as the longing hits hard, the best thing to do is to avoid encounters that can cause relapses or bad feelings. Avoid places that offer a high chance of meeting you, or places you used to go together. This does not have to be a lasting practice, but it is necessary at least while there are still hurts or homesickness.

Likewise, exchanging messages, phone calls and following on social media can feed empty hopes and be even more torturous. Psychologist Pâmela Magalhães indicates: “Try to disconnect from him in all possible ways (Facebook, Whatsapp, etc). That way it will be easier to take control of your own life, without the shadow of someone who doesn’t want you and isn’t with you right now.”

You should be confident and self-reliant, but that doesn’t mean ignoring your human condition that needs time to recover and reorganize life. Don’t force yourself to live with him in the name of a supposed superiority if somehow it doesn’t do you any good.

2. Respect grief

Every separation needs to be worked out. Depending on who initiated the breakup, the reaction and the way to deal with it are different. This is what Pâmela Magalhães explains: “If you were the one who took the first step towards the end and you are right and calm about it, everything can be easier. Now, when we’re on the other side and the breakup wasn’t something we wanted, it gets a lot harder. The pain is very great, but the experience of this range of feelings that involves anger, sadness, feelings of rejection, frustration, among others, must and must be lived. It is precisely when we allow ourselves to feel all these emotions and really face them, that we become stronger and more mature to recover from this situation”.

3. Count on the support of friends

The presence of friends, family and people you trust and who encourage you will be essential at this time. Self-esteem tends to hit rock bottom when we feel abandoned or changed. Therefore, maintaining social life, even if in a lighter way, is essential for you to continue to feel wanted, wanted around and even, who knows, more confident that life continues beyond that circle of relationship.

Marriage sometimes causes people to withdraw from friends and relatives. The routine of a relationship often reduces the space of friends. This is a great time to rescue people who complete you. This will help to broaden your horizons and bring in new opportunities.

4. Do inspiring activities

It is proven that physical exercises improve mood and self-esteem. Starting that training session you were planning, signing up for a movement class like dancing or swimming are good tips to lighten up the situation. Keeping your body moving can make you feel better mentally and physically. A good tip is to hike, watch the sunset or climb a mountain. So you combine physical exercise with contact with nature. This contact is very important for us to detach ourselves a little from the problems of life in society and perceive new horizons.

5. Don’t look for information about him

Never, ever, in any way allow yourself to research what has been happening in his life, whether through common acquaintances or social networks. The more news you have of him and his activities, the more the feeling of possession and abandonment will be heightened and the greater the suffering. It’s not an easy task, but it’s certainly one of the most important for you to overcome this phase in the healthiest way possible.

There is always that one person who wants to confide in you the latest news from their ex. Don’t listen to him and don’t allow yourself to hear this information: it can make you create stories or remember hurts. Curiosity will still be easier to deal with than the consequences it can bring you.

6. Don’t make comparisons

Do your best not to compare yourself to your ex’s current girlfriend. It doesn’t matter who is fatter, thinner, prettier or who has the best job. “Try to help yourself, don’t be looking for photos or even information about this moment in his life. This behavior will hurt her more and more and will not take her anywhere, it will only contribute to the annihilation of her self-esteem”, says Pâmela.

7. The queue moves

It is still true that there is nothing better to heal a broken heart than another love. If you feel free and really open to it, go for it and put an end to this rancidity once and for all. But be careful: forcing yourself to have other relationships, or looking for anyone to fill your need or trying to make you jealous is the worst attitude you can take. This will certainly hurt even more, hinder your recovery and, in more serious cases, even drive you to look for him.

Understanding the cycle of relationships and being able to live in peace with it is hard work and constant personal evolution. Keep your joy and perseverance, focus your strength on yourself and you will surely overcome moments like this.