Learn to solve relationship problems!

On many occasions we find ourselves involved in an argument with our partner without understanding how. We no longer even remember why it started, but we are aware that we have reached a point from which we no longer know how to get out. Conversations become increasingly colder and everything the other person does is one more drop that contributes to the glass getting closer and closer to overflowing. In this dynamic, it is not easy to solve problems.

The fact is that we want to overcome this bad streak. We wouldn’t want the relationship to fail. We want to fight for it. We need to solve the problem that caused everything. We care about getting back on track with our boyfriend, girlfriend, husband or wife… But how? Well, let’s look at some techniques that can help us recover the relationship we want to have… Continue reading!

What is wrong?

Firstly, many times the problems come because communication between the couple is not effective. It may happen that we are not able to explain to the other person what we think and feel. It is also common for us to choose to say things at the least appropriate time and place. On the other hand, we may not listen to you as we should.

Therefore, in addition to promoting communication skills within the couple, It is important to find when and where it is appropriate to dialogue. In this way, we can control the situation effectively. It seems clear that a family meal or a meeting with friends is not going to help us resolve the conflict. On the contrary, it will surely aggravate it.

To finish, many times it fails that we are at the wrong time. Let me explain myself. There are times when, when one wants to solve the problem, the other does not. Or vice versa. We then enter a very toxic dynamic that undermines the relationship. It is very important, therefore, that both parties collaborate and see that solving problems is a shared task.

Now that we have laid the foundations to solve the problems, what is the next step? It is necessary to separate the problem statement from its solution. That is to say, First we have to define what is happening and, once we are clear about it in the couple, work to resolve it. Let’s see in detail how to do it.

10 steps to solve relationship problems

When resolving relationship conflicts, we advise you to take into account the following guidelines:

1. Assume a positive and neutral attitude

When we go to talk to our partner we have to leave negative attitudes outside and maintain as neutral a position as possible. This involves reviewing how correct our arguments and assumptions are, and assuming that we may be wrong.

Once we have the right attitude, we can start the conversation about what is going on. To begin the dialogue, it is good to make a positive comment about the relationship, in order to facilitate the cooperation and receptivity of the other.

For example, you can start the conversation by letting your partner know that the goal of the conversation is not to fight or argue; but quite the opposite: that both have the opportunity to express and mutually understand how they feel about the problem and between the two, find solutions, as a team.

2. Tackle one problem at a time

For its part, it is very important that we try to solve a specific problem each time. If we try to work on several very general things, the task will become impossible. For example, it is more feasible to reach an agreement on whether or not to leave the toilet lid up than on whether the other person leaves the entire bathroom in a mess every time they use it…

In this sense, the problem must be stated briefly and concretely, determining it with specific words, actions and behaviors. Also It is relevant to say observable things, without interpretations of why our partner does one thing or the other. On the other hand, we have to express our feelings openly, so that the other person can understand why what they do is bothersome to us.

3. Recognize our responsibility in the conflict

We must also recognize the part of the blame that we ourselves have in the problem. Let us remember that a relationship is made up of two people and, although it is difficult for us to accept it, many of the conflicts arise due to the way of being of both.

For example, if the problem is due to our partner’s lack of collaboration in household chores, The worst thing we can do is hold her responsible for everything and point out her flaws.. In this case, we must assume that this dynamic was also established as we began to assume most of the domestic tasks.

Therefore, in this case, the ideal would be to recognize that the problem is a consequence of poor planning and assignment of tasks on the part of both. A solution to this problem would be to start designating equal tasks for each person and, if necessary, leave them in writing.

4. Listen actively

Another important aspect when solving relationship problems is to maintain active listening. This implies Let each person have the opportunity to express themselves without interrupting, and pay attention not only to what the other says, but how they say it.

Likewise, a mistake that we usually make when talking to our partner is thinking about what to answer or how to refute what she is saying, while she is saying it. Thus, we stop paying attention to what our partner is expressing to us, what hinders empathy and true understanding of the problem.

A good technique to make sure we are genuinely listening to and understanding our partner is summarize with our words the message we have received. Thus, the other person can tell us if we have understood it correctly or not, and correct us if this is the case.

5. Find the solution together

Once the problem is well defined and both parties understand it, work must be done to resolve it or to minimize it to an expression that does not bother either of them. For it, It is important to keep in mind that many times both will have to give in and negotiate.

For its part, There will be times where we will know what is happening, but not what we can do to solve it. At these times, we can resort to a technique that is surely familiar to all of you: brainstorming.

What does it consist of? In say all the solutions that come to mind…Even those that seem crazy to us! This way we can eliminate those that are not useful to us and find one that is satisfactory for both of us.

6. Commit to change

Once we have the solution, we have to implement it to see if it works or not.. If it turns out not, there is no need to despair, it is human to make mistakes. What we will do is re-evaluate alternatives that can compensate or surpass the previous solution.

But, before implementing any solution, there is one thing to do: You both have to commit to changing your behavior. It is necessary to reach an agreement. Sometimes it will even be appropriate to leave it in writing.

If they do not commit to changing and attacking the problem, then the dialogue will have had no meaning and the words will have been left without any basis. Which will undoubtedly deteriorate trust within the relationship.

7. Ensure the couple’s privacy

Many times we want to talk about our relationship problems with a friend or family member. However, in many cases, this can be counterproductive for your relationship. Well, a third party can issue judgments and opinions lacking impartiality and the only thing they generate is that the conflict worsens.

Furthermore, when we talk about our problems we not only talk about ourselves, we also talk about our partner and We don’t know what his reaction might be if he finds out that we are sharing his privacy.

Therefore, we must think before act and try to resolve the conflict directly with our partner.

8. Respect above all

Throughout the problem-solving process we must guarantee respect for our partner. Well, If this is lost, it will be difficult to save the relationship from any problem.. Therefore, avoid resorting to insults, shouting or any manifestation of violence.

In addition, We must respect the feelings and opinions of our partner, even if we don’t agree with what she thinks and feels. If not, we will be fomenting an enmity between the two.

9. Learn to regulate emotions

It is common for relationship conflicts to awaken unpleasant emotions in us such as anger, sadness, disappointment, etc. Although we must be aware of them and know how to communicate them to our partner, it is important not to let ourselves be dominated by them.. Well, we can make the mistake of saying things that are not relevant, on impulse.

Therefore, throughout the process we must be able to express our emotions in their proper measurewithout getting carried away by the outbursts that intense emotions produce.

10. Seek professional help

Some couples often need help from a specialist to resolve the problem.. Generally, these are couples who have been together for many years, whose conflicts have dragged on and become more complex over time.

In these cases, couples therapy may or may not help them overcome their problems. We must keep in mind that sometimes it is not possible to save the relationship, no matter how hard we try.. So the best solution, in some situations, will be to break up.

To conclude, we want to highlight that relationship problems are normal, they are even healthy to the right extent. However, to prevent the relationship from deteriorating we must learn to resolve them in time, with the necessary understanding and respect so as not to damage the bond.

Images courtesy of Charlie Foster, William Stitt and Freestocks.org.

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