It’s Caetano Veloso, you’re not the only one feeling lonely. I’m too. I try to look as strong as possible, determined, and very detached. But there are times when the desire to have a cuddle, a snuggle, hits hard like a little finger tapping on the corner of the table. And it hurts. It hurts the bottom of the heart. Not all the time I can pretend that everything is fine and that life alone and single is like an open bar party.

By the way, speaking of open bar, I went to one these days. It was there that I realized how much affection and having someone by my side is missing. I saw people there that I once liked, with whom I related and with whom I screwed up. I make mistakes in relationships like everyone else, I can’t spend my whole life blaming the other and saying the old phrase: ‘Men don’t care’. Anyway, this was just a parenthesis, for my real conclusion: I need affection and company.

There I found myself alone. ‘Well, open bar parties are full of people’. Yes, there were two thousand people man! TWO THOUSAND! But I feel alone. Alone among the people. Alone lying in bed every day. Alone watching a movie. Alone to share my victories and my desire to give up everything and hear one: ‘calm down I’m here’. Alone in my theories. Alone in my thoughts like: ‘why do toenails grow faster than toenails?’ Or: ‘Why does Toddynho have a hole? What if I don’t want to stick there?’. I’m really weird and I wanted someone with me to share my weirdness. Caetano also says that when we like it, of course we take care of it. So that’s it, I need someone to take care of me.

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You know that anxiety waiting for messages and suffering from a vacuum? I don’t have it anymore. And look, it may sound crazy, but I miss it. Combine my first name with someone’s last name? I haven’t known what that is for a while. I know interesting people out there, I won’t deny it. But nobody I want to spend a whole winter watching movies and eating popcorn. Because right after the first kisses, they turn into people I don’t want by my side. The movie of the failed love life repeats itself. Every now and then, a tear flows as the chest explodes looking for the name of another heart to beat.

The time is for detachment, but my time is for attachment, the desire to be together, to share dreams, desires and achievements. Laughing at nonsense, feeling like getting married on a Sunday, wanting to bungee jump. To listen to a song and remember someone. From receiving a message and automatically smiling. Of being in the middle of a crowd and only one person being important and having a glow in the midst of so many people that become black and white. Because that person is already a rainbow when smiling.

It’s loneliness, your time in my life is over. He quickly packs his bags and leaves. I’m waiting for that affection that is so good, to fill the gaps of this longing, of what I haven’t felt for a long time. In the soul, in the skin and in the heart.