How to Tell if Your Partner is a Narcissist: 12 Telltale Signs

Little by little, narcissism emerges through very particular behaviors that, sometimes, fade the image of seemingly perfect couples. We describe such behaviors,below.

If your partner is narcissistic, don’t expect him to change. Men and women defined by this profile need to instrumentalize others to reinforce their image and nourish their self-esteem. To this end, they follow strategies that are as refined as they are effective that you do not always perceive at first.

They will lie to you, They will alter your reality and try to fragment the strength of your dignity piece by piece. While your family and friends may have warned you that he is not a good person, this is something you don’t want to see at first. Love blinds you, but little by little many of the manipulative dynamics that we now describe will appear.

“Selfishness is not self-love, but an inordinate passion for oneself.”

~Aristotle~

Keys to know if your partner is narcissistic

It is true that the label “narcissist” is overused these days. It is enough for someone to demonstrate somewhat selfish attitudes for them to instantly receive this pseudodiagnosis. However, those who are within the clinical spectrum of this disorder show more than just self-interested behaviors. And people who were unlucky enough to love someone with that profile know this well.

If your partner is narcissistic, you may find yourself in the middle of an abusive relationship. As described in a SAGE Open publication, narcissism in sexual relationships is associated with conflict, hostility, low commitment and even the search for revenge. Do you need to know the signs to know if you are in this type of relationship? We describe them to you.

1. The relationship is asymmetric

Asymmetrical relationships are those in which one of the members exercises control over the other. In this sense, what you will perceive is that on a day-to-day basis you do, exclusively, what your partner says. Your decision-making capacity is completely limited, only the rights of the other party are prioritized and your needs are rarely taken into account.

2. You feel manipulation

The narcissistic partner seeks to have control over you and, to do so, resorts to the dysfunctional art of manipulation. According to a work published in Borderline Personality Disorder and Emotion Dysregulation, people who have a relationship with these figures suffer from verbal and physical abuse to covert abuse, such as manipulative behaviors. We give you examples:

Emotional extortion: They love to play victims. What’s more, they may threaten to hurt themselves if you don’t do what they want.Division and conquest: A cruel and insensitive strategy on their part is to create conflicts between you and other people, such as your friends or family.Unkept promises: This is a very classic strategy. They make promises to achieve their goals, but then they don’t keep them or they forget them.Lies: This profile lies as much as it talks. In fact, many times he applies this resource unconsciously. With this he manages to have control over you and, in turn, alter your reality.Guilt tripping (guilt): The narcissist makes you feel guilty for things you didn’t do or for not meeting his or her needs. Something they often tell you is this: “If you really loved me, you would do this for me.”Instrumentalization: They use your emotions to get what they want. They may fake anger, sadness, or distress to get you to do what they want. They will also show their jealousy, to ensure that you do not interact with other people.

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3. You can’t be more competent than him/her

It may seem silly at first, but little by little, this dynamic invalidates and limits. We refer to the fact that The narcissist can’t stand it if you are better than him or her in any way. In their case, their obsession is to stand out, be the center of attention and show the world that they are exceptional. If you excel in some area they feel challenged and punish you.

You will often see that they minimize your achievements to exaggerate theirs. What’s more, they will not hesitate to despise everything you do well in order to nullify you as a person.

4. He loved you a while ago and now he despises you

Individuals with this personality pattern, In a matter of seconds, they go from charming and loving to cruel. And, indeed, this baffles you. Because you don’t know what to expect, or how to address them or what to expect at all times. They are people who in the morning say that you are everything in their life and, in the afternoon, they despise you for something insignificant.

5. It makes you gaslighting

Make gas light or gaslighting It consists of manipulating your perception of reality so that you doubt yourself. For example, they deny that they said something to you a few days ago to create confusion for you. Likewise, as reported in an article in the Journal of Family Violence, this behavior is very typical in men with a high level of vulnerable narcissism.

On the other hand, if your partner is narcissistic, he will apply this mechanism to you discreetly, but persistently. To recognize it, we describe some very basic examples:

They play the victim They deny obvious facts They blame you for everything They minimize your feelings They change the version of their narratives They make sarcastic comments about you They delegitimize all your day-to-day worries

6. It isolates you from your environment

The narcissist will try to distance you from your friends and family so that you depend exclusively on them and their approval. This technique is very destructive and you must detect it as soon as possible. To this end, they will criticize those close to you, invalidate them, and insist that only they understand you as you deserve.

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7. You try to make sure he doesn’t get angry

Living with a narcissist is like walking through mined territory: You don’t know when his anger will explode. This behavior conditions you to the point of adjusting your entire life to its needs. You do everything possible so that nothing bothers him or makes him angry. However, no matter how much you take care of every detail, it always explodes due to the most insignificant factor.

8. The law of ice will apply

If your partner is a narcissist, you will have a hard time having healthy and effective communication. To begin with, because, as we told you, they build asymmetrical relationships in which only they hold the power. This means that they do not dialogue, they impose. In other cases, they choose passivity, to avoid responsibilities and let you be the one to deal with the problems.

In this case they usually apply what we know as the silent treatment, that is, they resort to total silence when they get angry with you. This causes days to pass without speaking to you, isolating you until you are the one to give in and ask for forgiveness. This is another highly refined manipulation technique.

9. Control your finances

For narcissists, money is a way to achieve status and power, which explains why, to the extent possible, they will try to have control of your income. Furthermore, in many cases, you will end up investing only in their needs and whims. Little by little, you will discover that you work only for him or her and you will barely be able to save.

10. It’s not the same person you met at the beginning

You often ask yourself, “Where is the amazing person I fell in love with not long ago?” If there is something recurring in this type of relationship, it is discovering that they deceived you at the beginning in order to captivate you. They created a character of absolute perfection so that you would end up in his arms and, as the days passed, they dropped the mask, revealing the narcissist behind it.

11. You can’t trust him/her

Trust is the root that makes every happy and healthy relationship flourish. But if you live with a narcissistic personality this dimension withers very quickly. You are facing someone who lies and manipulates, therefore, you will not be able to trust that person. in any moment. This leads you to a sphere of absolute loneliness and also relational anguish.

12. There are constant doubts about your feelings

You will realize that you are with a person who only prioritizes themselves. Only her needs matter, not yours. His treatment is so hurtful that you keep questioning whether he really loves you. When you ask him, he will not hesitate to say yes, but sometimes he adds nuances. He often insists that if things go wrong, it is your responsibility.

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What should I do if my partner has this personality profile?

First of all, Remember that, no matter how much you ask, a narcissist will never change. Now, we understand that no matter how much your environment tells you to leave that person, the decision is not always easy. Love, dependence and fears are those invisible threads that prevent you from taking the definitive step. It’s something normal. However, we recommend the following:

Lean on your environment: Above all, avoid isolating yourself from your loved ones. Explain to your friends what is happening to you and how this person behaves towards you. Always count on the closeness and support of those who truly love you.Evaluate your options: Consider whether the sexual-affective bond you maintain benefits you or harms you. If you assume that the harm he causes you impacts your well-being, start thinking about all your options, including the possibility of ending the relationship.Connect with you: Analyze how you feel and how your self-esteem is. Reflect on your own emotional health and your needs in the relationship. Keep in mind that if you perceive that you are no longer yourself and that you barely recognize yourself, you are in the middle of an abusive relationship.Psychological therapy: If your partner is narcissistic and you have been with him for several months or years, you will need psychological support. Not only will it help you get out of that bond—if you choose—but it will also heal many of those traumatic wounds. A work published in the Journal of EMDR Practice and Research highlights the effectiveness of EMDR therapy in these cases.

The need to get out of these “prisons” of suffering

Leaving a narcissistic relationship is an act of self-compassion and also courage. It will open the door to a healthier future in which you can regain control of your life and be you again. Although it may be difficult to take that step, remember that you are not alone in this process; Seek support from friends, family or professionals to overcome such a challenge.

You deserve a present and a future in fullness, in well-being and where you are the owner of your own decisions. Also, keep one detail in mind. Falling into a link with this profile is not your responsibility. The fault always lies with those who do harm, with those who distort affection and instrumentalize love for their own benefit.