Is There Love After Breakup |

It wasn’t easy for Aline, 28 years old, to be happy with the one she loves. She thought she lived a perfect story with Leo, when lies and betrayals surfaced. After comings and goings, the author of the story “Love is nothing like they told me” says that she decided to strengthen their relationship and headed to the altar. Already married, she saw other problems threaten to undermine the relationship. In the interview below, she reveals how she managed to rescue her friendship with Leo after so many breakups and even analyzes the main difficulties she encountered when trying to reconcile motherhood and marriage.

: Do you think that the idealization of the other can disturb a relationship?

Aline Mendes: What most disturbs relationships is the inability to see the other as he really is, and base ourselves on our fantasies about how the other should be. Prince Charming doesn’t exist in the long term, sooner or later the masks fall off, and the less you have idealized your partner, the easier it will be to face reality (and vice versa).

How did you manage to rescue the friendship after so many breakups?

AM – Through non-judgment and unconditional acceptance. When the other realizes that we are there just for the well-being and well-being, he recognizes the treasure behind a true relationship, even more so nowadays, where selfishness and competition predominate in almost all areas of life. our life. Letting go of hurts and resentments, and focusing on what we still had in common was essential in moving forward. But word of mouth doesn’t work. This was a purpose to be lived through the smallest things of everyday life.

What would you do differently in your story with Leo? In your opinion, does love conquer any obstacle?

AM – I wouldn’t have cheated, I wouldn’t have held grudges, I wouldn’t have said things or taken actions without thinking… I wish I had been more mature to suffer and made him suffer less. I wish I’d had more peace of mind and emotional self-sufficiency so I wouldn’t blame him so much and keep fooling myself about my immaturity in love. Yes, true love overcomes every obstacle. But it’s the love that is born within us and the one we give to the other. If we wait for the love of the other to save the relationship, it is beyond salvation. The ability to love overcomes everything, but the need for the love of others ruins any relationship.

Do you think that when you truly love a person, this feeling never dies?

AM – I think true love never really dies, I think it transforms. When he goes from overwhelming passion to a more “lukewarm” love, many people think that love has died. He didn’t die, he just transformed, he became more mature to endure the new obstacles of life together. A lot of people don’t like that kind of love, and believe that the feeling is gone. These people only like hot and passionate love. I suffered a lot when I lost that kind of love, but today I know that it exists in a different way, more peaceful and contained, more stable and discreet. I accepted this love the way it showed, I suffered, but I decided to accept it, and today I feel that if love were not present in my life as a couple, we would not have so much respect, affection, support and help in the rush that became an adult. I may not have as much sex and romantic dinners as I used to, but I have a complicity and support that it would be crazy for me to believe that this is not love.

What were the main difficulties you encountered when trying to reconcile motherhood and marriage?

AM – Separating the role of mother from the role of woman is really difficult, because the baby sucks so much energy, time and dedication out of us, that the woman we have inside us disappears. I suffered a lot until I understood that the couple’s sexual and emotional life was bad because I was just dedicating myself to the baby. Then I had to rethink and started to act differently: I rescued my vanity, the little intimate surprises, the seduction games, that is, I was resurrecting the woman that was inside me. That was good because I noticed that Leo, little by little, had a little more interest again. On his part, after talking, I understood that the pressure of raising a child, supporting a family and dedicating himself to his career also undermined his desire a little. In fact, we made a pact of patience and acceptance with each other, as we understood that it was no longer a matter of discovering, having fun and enjoying life (as in the beginning of almost every relationship). Now the thing was more serious and we needed to dedicate more time, energy and dedication to other things in life. So, if by chance someone was unwilling to have sex, the way was to take a deep breath and go watch TV. As the baby grew and Leo solidified his career, things got better. Everything is a matter of patience.

It is common, when we experience a difficult situation, to have difficulties talking about that situation. Did that also happen to you? Explain better.

AM – I never had this problem. I think that because I am a psychologist and am always dealing with the ills of human beings, I always found it natural to talk about my difficulties, flaws, shortcomings and mistakes. But Leo is the opposite of me, he is incapable of opening up spontaneously. In fact my open manner scared him and his restrained manner irritated me. He could suffer for months alone, without me even suspecting this was happening. To this day he waits for the situation to reach the limit to be able to open up. The impression I have is that if I had been contained like him, and we had never talked about our difficulties, many problems would have grown and culminated in the end of the relationship. Or that if he was as open as I was, we would have argued over anything and anything could have led to the breakup too.

Because I know Leo’s difficulty, I help him open up by being friendly and caring. Since he also knows me, when I start talking too much, he gives me a back, politely, but making it clear that he will not enter into this discussion. But when we are at our limits, we respect the moment of the other.

Do you think that sharing your story on the Forum helped you better understand or even overcome the difficult times you went through? Talk about the benefits that the Forum has brought.

AM – itself was valuable in building my relationship. I didn’t have many expectations about the Forum, to be honest I just wanted to pay tribute to Leo, as we were completing 10 years of relationship at the time. But when I started reading other testimonials and receiving comments on my story, I realized how rich it was to participate. I learned and was moved by other stories, I identified with, I had empathy for many people there. But the most beautiful thing was seeing how many people were always there, commenting (mine and all the other stories), encouraging, supporting and consoling each other. How many people love and how many people believe in love. This gives strength and joy that you can’t even imagine. We realize that believing in love is not as rare as we imagine. There are a lot of people there with a lot of love in their hearts. Too beautiful.

Psychologists believe that writing helps people get to know themselves better. What valuable discoveries about herself did writing provide?

AM – I discovered that I am more persevering than I imagined, more loving than I believed, safer than I thought, more victorious than in my most beautiful dreams. Thank you all, it was an unforgettable experience.