I can’t stand my partner’s family

Conflicts with “the other family” or the in-laws have been caricatured in film and literature. However, how much reality is there in these portraits?

“I can’t stand my partner’s family” is a common sentence. It is even likely that we have also experienced the sensation at some point with our in-laws. In this sense, we question: Do relationships with the couple’s families of origin tend to be conflictive?

According to the CIS, 35% of Spaniards say that their relationship with their in-laws is completely or quite satisfactory; Only 1 in 100 rate the relationship as “not at all satisfactory.” Therefore, according to this study, there would be a high percentage of people whose relationship with the in-laws is quite good.

Now, this information provided by the CIS does not deny that conflictive relationships exist. In these cases, living with the in-laws can even become torture and a continuous battle, an unsustainable situation for those in the middle.

The conflict with the in-laws can affect the relationship, hence the question may arise: what can we do to prevent the problem from being transferred to the couple? Below, we explain some information to take into account.

“Growing up is learning to separate yourself from your family of origin.”

-S. Minuchin-

Why can’t I stand my partner’s family?

There are several reasons that generate this conflict in couples. The first, and most obvious, is that the family is not chosen, neither one’s own nor politically. Therefore, when chance does not bring you someone with whom you get along naturally, conflicts appear:

Read Also: Life doesn't have to be perfect to be wonderful

Absence of limits necessary for cordial treatment. Political families that interfere in the relationship. Family models that seem incompatible at first. Intra-family conflicts that end up affecting you. Incompatible personalities.

What can you do to improve your relationship with your in-laws?

It is very possible that you do not want to leave your partner because of his family, but sometimes you consider it. However, you want to exhaust all options before throwing in the towel and it is an admirable gesture. Therefore, here are some tips to help you get started with this long-distance race.

1. Express what you feel

“Communicating discomfort and sharing concern, that is, giving voice to the problem through assertive speech is one of the objectives of therapy,” comments psychologist María Teresa Mata Massó. Therefore, Expressing what we feel to our partner in reference to the in-laws is the first step to prevent it from affecting the relationship.

2. Try to put yourself in your partner’s shoes

For your partner, his family is very important, in the same way that yours is for you. Therefore, phrases like “I can’t stand my partner’s family,” “I can’t stand my girlfriend’s parents,” “I wish I had another in-laws” can cause discomfort in the other person.

In this sense, Being in the middle of a conflict between the couple and the family of origin is often painful. and places whoever is in the middle in an uncomfortable and difficult position. He remembers that his family will remain that way no matter what happens. Therefore, try to put yourself in your partner’s place, to understand what they feel and what they think.

Read Also: Being a "good person": a dialectical trap

3. Set limits

According to Salvador Minuchin, Families are systems that are in turn made up of differentiated subsystems. The most common are the couple and their children (if they exist), the parents of each member of the couple, siblings, respective grandparents, etc.

The author affirms that it is essential to establish specific limits in the family system, since each member of the family fulfills a certain role and, When there are no limits, roles become diffuse, which enhances possible bad relationships within the system. Therefore, it is essential to establish clear limits, which cannot be exceeded to try to maintain family harmony.

It should be noted that the relationship with the in-laws does not have to be broken, but rather it can be redefined, marking a space and limits for the couple, giving alternatives to the in-laws.

4. Go to therapy

Whether it is couples, family or individual therapy, the help of a professional will be of great help to guide your path towards healthy coexistence and democratization. Never rule out asking for help and support from your partner, as there will surely be problems that are beyond your control (given that they have to do with a family that is not yours of origin).

You and your partner are a team

In line with the previous paragraph, just as it is important to establish limits with the rest of the family subsystems, It is essential to start from the concept of unity: the couple is a team, which makes decisions and reaches agreements about what is best for the system they form, as Minuchin states.

In this sense, each member of the couple is two individual people with their own differentiated identity, who when forming a relationship must constitute an impermeable unit, to prevent bad family relationships from affecting the relationship.

Definitely, Experiencing a conflictive relationship with one’s in-laws such as “I can’t stand my partner’s family” can lead to confrontations with one’s partner. which, if measures are not taken to address the situation, it can become a serious problem. For this reason, he remembers that there are psychology professionals who can help in this type of conflict.