Reality vs Expectations

Conflicts often arise due to the creation of expectations when these collide with the events that occur. What we think about what we want to happen in a situation is not the same as what actually happens.

The expectations we create regarding a situation or person can be dangerous if they are very far from reality. The distance between what happens and what we imagine determines how we feel.

Where is “reality” hidden?

What is “reality”? Perhaps this is one of humanity’s most persistent mysteries and questions. Over the years, different people and disciplines have provided different answers, relying on theoretical notions, methods and tools in accordance with the cultural context of the moment.

And although we can expand on this issue as much as we want, I bring you one of the perspectives that helps me the most both in my personal life and in my work with my patients…

According to constructionist perspectives in psychology, “reality” is a construction to some extent. by who observes it. Therefore, it is subjective. Everything we see and observe passes through our personal filter, which is made up of our values, beliefs, experiences, biological, relational and psychological characteristics, in addition to the current cultural context of the moment.

Therefore, according to this, Reality will never be known as it is, since it will always be observed through the eyes of the observer. Even what I am sharing with all of you is part of the construction of my reality.

So does this mean that there are many realities? According to constructionism, yes. As many as there are people in this world. The American writer Paul Auster in one of his novels expresses it like this:

This perspective can help us in our daily lives, especially with the relationships we have with others. Given that Every time we engage in a conversation or discussion with another person, we can try to understand their point of view, taking into account how she constructs reality based on her values, beliefs, experiences, etc.

Thus, we will achieve a better understanding, abandoning that very rigid posture that human beings sometimes have of trying to lead others along our path, convincing them that what we think is the most absolute and objective truth of all.

The role of expectations

Expectations are the beliefs, forecasts, illusions, desires and values ​​that each of us has generated. depending on various factors such as education, previous experiences, personality characteristics and ways of relating, contextual variables, etc. That is, it is what I expect, you expect or they expect from something or someone.

“I’m sure he’ll bring me a detail, we haven’t seen each other in a long time.“, “The exam was a 9, let’s see the grade“, “Since it’s his birthday, we’ll go out to celebrate“, “It’s your day off, I’m sure we’ll have breakfast together“, “He will call me this afternoon when they tell him the answer.”…

Expectations. That’s all. Nothing and no one guarantees us anything, but it seems that we love to generate them and maintain them in our daily lives. Expectations are constructions of future events.

And what happens when they are not fulfilled? What happens when we have been waiting all afternoon for that call? Or when we go out and what we do is not faithful to what we imagine? So much hope for something to happen and suddenly that longing is cut short with a totally different response. We became disillusioned. We get frustrated. Some conflict may even arise. Have you ever stopped to think about it?

When “reality” and expectations collide

What did you expect to happen? And what happened in “reality”? Surely there you can find the trigger for how you feel. The distance between what happens and what we imagine sometimes determines how we will feel later, if we are not aware of the presence of this abyss.

It is difficult for us to assume that if something disappointed us, it was more due to our previous expectation than to the events themselves. That is, to the anticipated construction that we carry out of the situation, to the previous idea of ​​what we expected. Since saying that something has disappointed us means admitting in some way that we expected something that has not happened or that has happened differently than we had imagined.

Perhaps, if we stop more to live in the here and now, taking into account our constructions we can increase our personal and social well-being. Epictetus already said it, “It is not the things themselves that worry us, but the opinion we have of them.”

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