How toxic masculinity can be harmful for women and men

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You need to be a man”. “Swallow the crying.” “Oh, now you’re going to play the little girl.” Phrases like these surround the imagination of boys and men, inviting them to never exist outside of an established box. Of course, patriarchy is the primary source of women’s oppression. But there is no reason to rule out the extent to which this social construction also affects our view of the masculine.

“The masculinities of domination impose themselves by crushing other masculinities. The demonstration of strength, aggressiveness, the imposition of a role, the obligation to succeed and the culture of prowess are traps that society sets for men (…). In the end, the imperative of virility is a burden,” writes contemporary history professor Ivan Jablonka in the book Just Men.

See too: Canceling Mr. Big, the example of a toxic man

It was from this vision and reports on social networks that the so-called “toxic masculinity” gained space in conversations. Despite not being coined academically, as a concept, the term raises discussions about how much the imposition of certain behaviors result in a chain of situations that affect everyone.

“The notion of toxic masculinity may have the advantage of remembering that there are effects of masculinity that would be harmful for men themselves, not just for women. However, we still haven’t been able to debate the essence of it due to the complexities that the theme carries”, explains Pedro Ambra, psychoanalyst, doctor in social psychology from USP and author of the book “What Is a Man – Psychoanalysis and History of Masculinity in the West”.

Even with so many layers, it is possible to glimpse the effects that rigid notions about the male role can cause in their lives, especially in affective relationships. This was the case of Rio businessman João Marceo Antunes, who used alcohol to chase away insecurity and get closer to the opposite sex. The pressure to perform, according to him, worsened after losing his erection for the first time, at age 26, when he started to resort to medication.

“I wanted to impress. It wasn’t about the woman, it wasn’t about satisfying her. It was for my image, ”she explains. At that time, she mixed the stimulant with antidepressants and marijuana. Within a year, he got sick, lost the desire to be with his girlfriend and questioned his sexuality. One outlet for overcoming the suicide attempt was analysis—the other was seeking out masculinity study groups. João met Fábio Manzoli, from the Healthy Masculinity mentoring project. At first, he resisted. But sharing experiences with men in the same situation, he was transformed.

“The process is still gradual, but it is starting to sink in that we also need help”, says Manzoli. A health issue. The discourse that men are stronger brings with it the idea that they don’t need help dealing with mental health. According to the World Health Organization, in Brazil, the suicide rate among men can be three times higher than among women. And they are the least
seek professional help.

In the last National Health Survey, by the IBGE, 69.4% of men said they had had consultations, against 82.3% of women. “I spent many years in a process of self-knowledge and realized that I still had difficulty in loving relationships, in order to have a sexuality that was not corrupted by pornography. I understood that this story of not being able to cry and feeling afraid is the root of much of man’s suffering”, reports Manzoli.

For him, the idea impacts from low self-esteem to explosive temperament in affective relationships. It was a girlfriend’s alert that made Gustavo Tanaka also question what he knew by masculinity. “She said I had been sexist. That to me was absurd. How so, sexist? But my idea of ​​sexism was very limited, I thought that the sexist was the aggressor, the rapist”, he says.

The writer and entrepreneur immersed himself in the subject and founded the Brotherhood project, a safe space for men to talk about various subjects. He invited friends for a meeting and was surprised by the reception of the agenda. “It was a moment of vulnerability like I’ve never seen in my life: ‘With thirty men, I’m going to talk about this and no one is going to screw me over?’” he says, who points to bullying as the foundation of male friendship. “Men mess around all the time. A man becomes attached to another because the guy is funny, good people. There is no space to show feelings, ”he points out.

After the creation of the Brotherhood, he developed other projects to help with the journey, including the box-book Let’s Talk about Masculinity, in partnership with Maurício Oliveira, with 100 questions that invite his peers to reflect.

“She said I had been sexist. That to me was absurd. what do you mean, sexist? but my idea of ​​machismo was very limited”
Gustavo Tanaka, founder of the Brotherhood project.

embrace the feelings

“Taught to believe that the place of learning is the mind, not the heart, many of us think that the act of talking about love with any emotional intensity will be perceived as weakness and irrationality”, wrote the feminist thinker bell hooks in the book “ All About Love
– New perspectives”. Once in contact with their own feelings, with a critical eye and in constant evolution, everyone also needs to see how much this affects or not the loving exchanges.

If, on the one hand, we have the issue of power and domination, on the other hand, there is still the culture that men have to be “the catchers”. “He cannot say no to a woman, he is taught to be open to relationships, but from a sexualized perspective. Then comes the ghosting: in general, it is more difficult for men to say ‘I’m not into you’ because they are expected to be into everyone”, argues Pedro Ambra.

“For those who are taught since childhood that they are ‘the last cookie in the package’, it’s a game over of being able to do what you want.” For the academic, the best way to talk about sexist behaviors that start from a mistaken concept of masculinity is to be critical, but not to remove the individual from the debate. “From a strategic point of view, ‘cancel’ can end up alienating someone who identifies with our field. We have to demonstrate what is critical, but without reducing the person to a villain – of course, depending on what kind of machismo we are talking about. And most importantly: separate what is behavior and what is the person, and criticize the behaviors”, concludes the psychoanalyst.