How to develop a secure attachment in adulthood

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People with an insecure attachment style often suffer a lot and have problems in their relationships. Therefore, if you want to develop a secure attachment in adulthood, we will tell you how to do it.

Written and verified by the psychologist Elena Sanz.

Each of us has an attachment style; this is, a way to bond with others emotionally. This style is determined by the relationship we established with our main figures in childhood; but also, and to a lesser extent, by subsequent experiences with friends, colleagues and romantic partners.

If our relationship style is not the most appropriate, we can suffer a lot throughout our lives. Therefore, we want to show you how to develop a secure attachment in adulthood.

The truth is that it is not an easy task to modify this trend that we learned so well during our first years. It will require important personal work that is not always comfortable to do. However, qualifying these attitudes and learning to relate to each other through trust can make a huge and positive change.

Securely attached people bond with others in healthy ways.

Attachment styles

A person’s attachment style begins to form during the first years, depending on the attention and care that the baby receives. Thus, four types of attachment can be differentiated:

secure attachment: is formed when caregivers are sensitive and responsive to the child’s needs and they respond consistently. That little one grows up feeling loved and safe, is able to trust others and has a good concept of himself.Avoidant attachment: in this case caregivers ignore the baby’s needs and calls, they do not care for or respond to their emotions. As he grows up, this child learns to repress what he feels and to be excessively independent. He avoids being vulnerable by all means and cannot trust others, he is not emotionally intimate.ambivalent attachment: is created when caregivers are inconsistent and unpredictable; That is, sometimes they respond quickly and lovingly to the child’s demands, and at other times they are hostile and disinterested. This creates a feeling of anxiety and insecurity that leads the child to not feel valuable and to constantly have to ensure the affection and presence of those he loves.disorganized attachment: is formed when the child experiences abuse, serious neglect or abandonment. It then presents a mixture of ambivalent and avoidant symptoms, it can have explosive behaviors, great frustration and a strong rejection (and at the same time longing) for emotional ties.

How to develop a secure attachment in adulthood

The ideal, in terms of personal happiness and relationship success, is to have a secure attachment. Any of the other cases will bring us complications, pain and frustration. Fortunately, there are some steps we can take to nuance our attachment style, even as adults.

Starting from avoidant attachment

The challenge for a person with avoidant attachment is learn to trust and allow yourself to create emotional intimacy. Thus, it is important to address the following questions:

Understand where this avoidant attachment comes from and heal childhood wounds. It is necessary to accept that at a certain point we come to feel rejected or minimized, and that is why we flee from intimacy. Likewise, we must become aware that this rejection does not have to happen again and that if it happens, we are adults now and can deal with it. The walls we have built do not protect us, they keep us isolated.It is essential to stop avoiding, since this mechanism does not allow us to move forward. Think about what situations you avoid (for example, arguments that involve feelings or compromise in relationships) and allow yourself to face them. Take steps, even if they take you out of your comfort zone.Acquire a tool that helps you manage insecurity What causes you to bond emotionally with others. Diaphragmatic breathing is a simple technique that will allow you to return to your center and make better decisions when the impulse to flee arises.Learn to express your emotions without hiding and showing yourself vulnerable. Your partner needs to know what you feel, what you want and need. Be assertive and start opening your interior.

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Starting from ambivalent attachment

If you have an ambivalent attachment, Your challenge is to overcome emotional dependence, stop desperately searching for the love and presence of other people. For this, you can take the following guidelines:

Understand that your attitudes arise from a hurt child who felt confused, lacking affection and not accepted unconditionally. This is why today you always feel insecure and need to constantly make sure that others love you and are there for you. Remember that you are now an adult and do not depend on anyone to survive.It is essential that you reinforce your self-esteem, work on your self-love and start giving yourself what you long for from others. That is, unconditional love, acceptance, comfort and support. Prioritize yourself, take care of yourself and your needs and improve your relationship with yourself. Take care of your internal dialogue and the inferences you make from the behavior of others. In this attachment style it is common to be very alert to the behavior of others and worry and blame oneself for any change in them. Instead of thinking that it’s your fault, that you’ve done something wrong and that they’re going to stop loving you, Try to adjust your thoughts and not get carried away.It can be very positive that expand your social circle with nourishing and enriching people. For people who need and enjoy emotional intimacy, having meaningful relationships is important. This will help you avoid placing all the responsibility and expectations on your partner.

Read Also: Why do I have anxiety after the death of a loved one?

Starting from disorganized attachment

In the case of disorganized attachment, it may be necessary to work on the two previous aspects to develop a secure attachment. However, given that this attachment style arises from a complex trauma experienced in childhood, it is best to seek professional support.

Healing the past, learning to manage anxiety triggers and bonding healthily can be especially difficult in this case; Therefore, psychotherapy will be of great help.

Psychological therapy helps to work through the traumas experienced in childhood.

Developing a secure attachment is possible

Certainly, working on attachment is one of the most complicated issues, due to how deeply rooted it has been for so long. However, all We can overcome our insecure attachment style and move toward greater security, trust, and well-being.

Change will take time and on many occasions those old tendencies will emerge again, but with awareness, perseverance and personal work we can increase our well-being and the quality of our relationships.