Why do I have anxiety after the death of a loved one?

Sandra didn’t know what was happening to her. One day, suddenly, she started not being able to breathe. A pressure in her throat accompanied her from the time she woke up until she went to bed. Furthermore, this was not her only symptom. She was nauseous, constantly sleepy, slept a lot and had a headache. She suffered frequent low blood pressure and her heart skipped a beat or went too fast even though she was at rest. Also, her hands were shaking and she felt cold too much. Sandra didn’t know, she believed she was sick, but I was experiencing anxiety after the death of a loved one..

It is true that a month had passed since that person who was so important to Sandra died. She had gone to the funeral, she had allowed herself to cry and be sad.. At no point had she compressed and sent her emotions to the farthest corner of her consciousness.

He was unaware that he was going through a grieving process to which, in addition, were added certain traumatic moments that he had experienced before the death of his loved one and during the funeral. Sandra needed urgent help. Her life was falling apart and she was not able to identify the cause.

The reason for anxiety after the death of a loved one

There are several theorists who have divided the grieving process into phases. Taking as reference the article Grief and the stages of lifewould denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. The description focuses on sadness or anger, but the appearance of anxiety after the death of a loved one is rarely explained.

The anxiety Sandra felt could fit perfectly with the depression stage of grief.. Well, during those episodes of anxiety, even when they subsided, she explained that she felt deep sadness of unknown origin.

Of course, consciously she believed it was okay. However, she had gone through certain experiences that were making her experience anxiety after the death of a loved one in such a strong way and so complicated to manage.

Traumatic experiences and the appearance of anxiety

Sandra had forgotten, or rather was not aware, of a series of traumatic experiences surrounding the death of the person she loved and which were the reason why anxiety was affecting her in such a way.

The first was the situation generated by the current situation. Before the lockdown, he had been with the deceased; He then enjoyed, apparently, good health. However, when he saw her again after those two months, her appearance was completely different. She didn’t speak, she didn’t move; she was no longer the same. He thought this didn’t affect him, but he was wrong..

The second traumatic experience was when he received the news of the death. It was a week after that visit. Sandra had never felt the death of someone so close. She believed that by going to the funeral and letting the emotions flow, everything would be solved. However, this hard blow affected her more than she thought and manifested itself in the form of anxiety over the death of a loved one. An anxiety that controlled her life, that incapacitated her.

The third of the traumatic experiences was experienced during the funeral itself. The people who came spoke as if they were having coffee and Sandra didn’t understand anything. Her anger mixed with pain, sadness with frustration and she had several moments in which she felt that she was disconnected from her emotions. She thought she didn’t feel anything. I was in shock.

In search of the light, the importance of going to therapy

The emotional challenge that this situation posed for Sandra was very great.. Given that he did not understand what was happening to him, that a month had passed since the death of that loved one and he did not relate her anxiety to the loss and that he lacked tools to deal with that emotional pain, he decided to go to therapy. It was the best she could do. Its process developed as follows:

Understanding that I was grieving. Sandra did not know that she was in the middle of the grieving process and understanding this allowed her to see some light among so much darkness and discouragement that she felt. Her therapist helped her understand the traumatic situations described above, so that she could see how they had been generating that anxiety to grow to the limit.Learn to manage anxiety. After doing this, Sandra’s therapist gave her some tools so she could manage her anxiety. She sent him some audios to meditate that she should practice even if she did not have anxiety. She also told him that she had to write a farewell letter to that loved one, that she should do it when she felt ready.Recover lost habits. Another important aspect was to recover a lost habit each week. The first, in Sandra’s case, was to go for a walk in nature, the next week, write in her diary, the next week go back to the gym, eat healthy again, and so on. Little by little, Sandra was feeling better.

Sandra began to feel well and celebrate that she had left the medication behind. There were still times when she felt anxiety, but he wasn’t as strong anymore, it didn’t last all day and he knew how to manage it better.

Little by little, Sandra began to understand that Processing the loss and constructing his own story was going to take time., but thanks to therapy she was able to continue with her life while understanding that that loved person was no longer there and that anxiety could not overcome her. Before, even the smallest situation activated her anxiety. Not now.

According to the Spanish Society of Medical Oncology (SEOM), Grief can last between six months and two years, with it usually lasting no more than a year.. It is a slow process, in which rapid advances can occur in a short time, but also slow ones and even setbacks.

On the other hand, although denial or repression may give us the sensation of helping us at first, maintained over time they are ropes that tighten and prevent us from breathing; besides, Although the will is necessary, more ingredients are needed to advance.

Emotional management tools, time and patience to build a story of what we experienced that does not resemble a sharp knife that destroys us inside. In any case, to help us when anxiety appears after the death of a loved one, there are professionals.

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