How do I know what my attachment style is?

“Secure, avoidant, anxious/ambivalent or disorganized”: what is your attachment style? There are many people interested in knowing their patterns when interacting with others. That curiosity is born when he sees that several of his relationships fail and that the universe of affection is full of winding paths, of fears and unmet needs.

Yes ok Attachment styles are formed in childhood and tend to last long, Sometimes they change over time, as a result of new emotional experiences with other figures.

Therefore, having an idea of ​​what the psycho-emotional pattern is in the sphere of relationships helps to understand which aspects can be improved to establish more satisfactory and lasting ties. How to discover this information? Through simple exercises it is possible.

Why is it important to know what my attachment style is?

Attachment theory (AT) was formulated by the English psychoanalyst John Bowlby in the 1970s. Later, one of his students, Mary Ainsworth, expanded on these studies by describing three attachment styles: secure, ambivalent, and avoidant. Finally, in 1986, researchers Main and Solomon introduced the last category: the disorganized-insecure.

In recent years, AT has acquired great importance in the psychotherapeutic field.. Understanding the style that defines each person facilitates a broad vision of their emotional needs, life history, ways of relating to their environment and even the origin of some problematic behavior.

Research such as that carried out at the University of Minnesota highlights that types of insecure and anxious attachment in adulthood would cause the failure of many relationships. Knowing where you fall on this spectrum can be very revealing..

Test to find out what my attachment style is

If you are wondering what your attachment style is, it is worth taking a small test. Below you will see four sections that evaluate each typology through ten items.

Read the phrases carefully and write down on a piece of paper how many you identify with. Finally, she compares the score obtained in each classification, to discover which of them defines you the most.

All of us can have more than one type of attachment.

1. Anxious ambivalent attachment

Anxious ambivalent attachment has its origins in caregivers who are unpredictable when it comes to providing security, affection and attention to their children.. This uncertainty and inconsistent response results in a lack of coherence in the provision of care, producing over-activation in children’s brains in areas related to anxiety.

This unpredictability projects insecurity, which ends up translating into emotional dependence on others; The person lives in constant fear that the other person will leave. It is not easy to grow up with that emotional insecurity and ambivalence in care.

On the other hand, in adulthood, paying continuous attention to what others are doing produces great cognitive wear. How many of the following dimensions belonging to this sphere do you identify with?

I am possessive and jealous. I need constant validation. I never feel loved enough. I have repeated emotional ups and downs. My biggest fear is being abandoned. I often question my value as a person. I always need the attention of others. I worry. excessively for any detail of my relationship. I have had many “toxic” relationships based on emotional dependence. I am always alert and aware of those signs that may warn that my partner is cheating on me, does not love me or is not interested in me.

♥ Number of statements with which I identify: _______

2. Avoidant attachment

Avoidant is another attachment style that is considered unhealthy.. The University of Illinois already pointed out in a study that this typology usually predicts the possible appearance of anxiety disorders and depression in adolescence.

The root of this is in caregivers who did not know how or did not want to attend to, regulate or understand the emotional needs of the child.. In response, the child assumes that the best way to avoid feeling more rejection is to disconnect from his emotions and stop expressing them. The consequences of this experience are immense in adulthood. Check the signs listed below:

I find it difficult to commit. I don’t like to express what I feel. I know that I tend to be cold with people. Emotional intimacy is uncomfortable for me. I see many faults and defects in my partners. I tend to repress my emotions and needs. It is difficult for me to understand what What others feel. When they ask me to express what I feel, I get angry. I prioritize my independence at all costs in relationships. I don’t like sharing my thoughts, dreams and desires with my partners.

♥ Number of statements with which I identify: _______

3. Disorganized attachment

Growing up in a hostile family environment always has a cost: traumas, fears, dissociation and the development of a disorganized attachment. In this case, the trigger lies in a childhood dominated by abuse or very dysfunctional dynamics on the part of caregivers.

These black holes of the past are translated into a typology that manifests itself in maturity in the following way:

I don’t know how to regulate my emotions. I have had partners who abused me. I carry with me many unhealed traumas. I know that my behavior is sometimes contradictory. I think that people, in general, are not trustworthy. I feel defective, with a Very low self-esteem. I want to be loved, but I am terrified that they will hurt me. I know that in any relationship they will always end up leaving me. I would like to love better, but fears and anxiety ruin everything. I need to be in control in a relationship. couple to make sure they don’t hurt me.

♥ Number of statements with which I identify: _______

4. Secure attachment

Secure attachment enables people to build healthier bonds, defined by good emotional intimacy, maturity, trust and effective communication. Having affectionate caregivers, competent in emotional intelligence and capable of nurturing needs, provides optimal strengths for socio-affective development.

Now, discover in this list the factors to consider, to know if this type of attachment defines you.

I am not afraid of being abandoned. I do not distrust people. I feel loved and respected. I have good self-esteem. I know how to express to my partner what I need. I communicate in an assertive and empathetic way. I understand and attend to the emotions of being loved. I surround myself with emotionally enriching people. I trust in my ability to build healthy bonds. It is not difficult for me to become intimate or build a good complicity with people.

♥ Number of statements with which I identify: _______

Much of us is defined by a secure attachment.

Final assessment

To know what your attachment style is, compare the results obtained in the four typologies. The common thing is that, even if you have scored in all of them, one stands out. That is, the types of attachment described are pure, but the reality is that people are not so pure. So, rather than a particular attachment style, we usually have a profile in which there is one or perhaps two that are a little more marked.

On the other hand, if the complexity of the profile were not small, it seems that significant differences can be shown depending on the context in which you interact. In any case, attachment style is associated with what is expected from others.

In this order of ideas, every person has been a victim of their own insecurity, sometimes behaving with an anxious attachment pattern. This is a normal phenomenon. The good news is that doing so Identifying this pattern gives information about what our real fears are, preventing them from remaining in a barely conscious layer.

If you find yourself in a maladaptive attachment style, do not hesitate to request specialized help.. There are valid therapies that facilitate this change towards well-being and happiness.

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