How to handle an unexplained breakup (ghosting)

Many of us let someone live in our hearts with one condition: that they don’t break anything. We take action and warn, but still, they do it and catch us off guard. It happens when, for example, there is a breakup without explanation, when from one day to the next they throw magic dust and disappear like entities from the beyond, without a “We have to talk”, “I’ll call you later” or “I’m sorry, this is over”.

They say that all broken people are made of poorly resolved stories. Also that, in some way, most of us carry pending issues that oscillate in our minds, evoking uncomfortable remnants of that past that still stings. Now, sometimes the issue is more complicated. Because more than being made of poorly resolved chapters, what we have in us are stories without an ending, shadows of people who left us overnight without giving a reason.

We know that the issue is not new. In the United States, accustomed to giving a label to each trait, behavior or dynamic, they call it “ghosting“. Fading from the life of someone, with whom until not long ago an emotional bond was maintained, is something more than recurrent. To the point that, on average, we all experience (on average) one or two phantom disappearances. Or worse yet, we may even be the ones who carry out this behavior…

Ghosting, or disappearing without saying anything, is not a new practice, but technologies facilitate this behavior.

An unexplained breakup and the fruitless search for why

There is no written law that tells us that, Before leaving someone, you have to tell them why. Nobody forces us to have that final conversation, it’s true. Nor to list, one by one, the reasons for our decision. After all, we have not signed a contract that forces us to explain why the heart no longer beats the same way or why the illusion has expired.

That’s right, no one governs the rules of what should or should not be done in an emotional relationship. However, there is the sense of ethics, of moral and emotional respect, there is maturity and courage. Therefore, and since these types of principles do not come from the factory, but from upbringing, there are many people who must face an unexplained breakup and the consequences that this entails.

The suffering of the victims of a “ghost”

Although there is not much clinical literature on all those psychological processes that the abandoned person usually experiences, it is worth saying that they almost always occur in the same dynamics. They are the following.

The person is unable to accept the relationship as over. Since there is no clear explanation, a fruitless dynamic is entered into to resume contact. All of this leads to greater anxiety, despair and the impossibility of closing that stage. Leaving a relationship knowing the cause that caused it is not the same as being abandoned from one day to the next for no reason. Doubts, the attempt to rationalize the irrational, lead the victim to ghostingon many occasions, to feel guilty. To think that he or she is the reason for this abandonment. The period of mourning can last for months and may not even end. That open wound, that permanent doubt, creates a vacuum where resentment, frustration and distrust begin to settle.. This makes it very difficult to start new relationships or for them to be of quality.

On the other hand, and if we ask ourselves the reason why these abandonment behaviors are carried out, studies such as those carried out at the Erasmus University of Rotterdam, point out something. Most of the time it is done unconsciously and automatically, without weighing the impact caused.

How to handle an unexplained breakup?

There are no abandonments without reasons. Unexplained breakups occur more frequently than we think, and it is necessary to know how to handle them, respond to them and most importantly: survive them. Let’s look at some guidelines that can help us in these cases.

1. Accept the evidence

Calls that are not answered, messages that are not returned. Blocked social profiles. Days that turn into weeks in which there is no communication, no contact, and even less presence. Contacts, friends and family of that person who avoid us and give us excuses…

We could consider more clues, but the evidence supporting the idea of ​​an abandonment and a breakup is clear. Let us avoid prolonging the inevitable and proceed to accept what has happened: a goodbye that we have to say for the other in the face of their silence.

2. Do not try to resume communication (or the relationship)

In this situation, the initial impulse is to try to contact and communicate with the other person by all means. Thus, we can compulsively seek it and fall into harmful behaviors that threaten our dignity. Breathe, accept what happened and do nothing else, stop the desperate search.

On the other hand, think carefully before getting involved in a relationship with that person again in case he or she returns. Keep in mind that his behavior denotes immaturity, lack of courage and absence of emotional responsibility.

3. Validate yourself, everything you feel is acceptable

They will tell you “turn the page”, “deal with it”, “forget that person”. Well, all of that will come a little later. The first and most necessary step is to validate ourselves and what we feel. It is time to recognize the wound, to cry, to externalize that pain and to reunite with that fragmented being..

It is legal and respectable to feel anger, frustration and even rage. Accept each emotion, give it space and then channel it. It’s time to make changes.

4. Take responsibility for unexplained grief

No matter how much we try, it will not always be possible to make an appointment with that person to give us a reason. And that is something we must assume: we will be forced to shape a duel without a final conversation. We are going to have to resolve this chapter ourselves, and to do so we must combine courage and responsibility.

Responsibility above all with ourselves. Because if they have left us, the last thing we should do is abandon ourselves. We must take back the reins and understand that we are 100% responsible for our own recovery. There is no turning back, no more trying to contact, begging for a new date or devising plans to meet the person who left us.

5. Time and work: pain and anger management

If there is something that remains after an unexplained breakup, it is pain and anger.. We must understand that these two dimensions do not fade away on their own with the passage of time. They are resistant, they become embedded and can completely condition our lives.

Let us learn, therefore, to manage them. For it, It is advisable to start new activities, use the support of friends and familystart projects that excite us and that allow us to channel those complex emotions that undermine identities and prevent new happiness.

6. Do introspection work

Although, without a doubt, the person responsible for leaving without offering an explanation is the other, it is also important to do introspection and look inward. Identifying what has led us to be in this situation can help us avoid repeating patterns. Working on self-confidence, learning to catch red flags and defining what type of person and relationship we want can be very beneficial.

7. Focus on the present moment to heal

Those who are facing an unexplained breakup live anchored in the past and in the conditional tense. What would have happened if instead of that I had done the other thing? What if she had said this? “Why didn’t I realize that…?”

This type of reasoning is an undoubted source of suffering.

To overcome this repetitive pain and move forward in our grief, it is necessary to leave space for the present. Facing the current moment with openness, resilience and dignity will allow us to break that bond of pain that anchors us to the past.

Many of the people who have been victims of ghosting have also practiced it with one of their partners.

Conclusion

Finally, we have one more task. Turn our current suffering into constructive learning. It is clear that few pains are as deep as the wound of abandonment, however, our human potential can allow us to get out of it. We can survive that breakup without explanation, we will be able to continue because we have the tools to do so.

Don’t hesitate to ask for specialized help if you need it.

You might be interested…