Grief due to family estrangement: the pain of broken ties

What happens if at a given moment an adult child moves away from us? This is a reality that many people deal with. They are silenced sufferings, sometimes ambivalent, disconcerting and very difficult to handle. Grieving due to family estrangement is a complicated process, whether the breaking of the bond is justified, or whether it is the result of something unexpected.

In recent years, much has been written about how advisable it is to distance ourselves from those close figures who harm us. It is true, sometimes taking the step is necessary to safeguard our mental health. However, in that game of chess that is often the family, movements and dynamics occur that are not always easy to understand or even justify. There are not always good and bad.

There are children who start a relationship and stop talking to the family. Economic issues are the eternal fuel for the fire of many disputes and bitter distances. Likewise, there are also cases of people who, due to a mental problem, such as borderline personality disorder (BPD), can make incongruent impulsive decisions.

They are experiences of great complexity that are not free of pain. Thus, In many cases, we may be forced to go through a grief that is not talked about much… A mourning for loved people who, even though they are alive, we have stopped seeing.

More and more families end up breaking up. Especially between parent-child bonds.

What is grief due to family estrangement?

Establishing distance with a family member is increasingly common, but it is also a silenced and even taboo reality. At the end of the day, the family continues to be in front of the gallery, that sacred institution in which, apparently, there is never friction and everything shines. However, it is in Western countries where there is the greatest distance between parents and children.

Karl Andrew Pillemer is a sociologist and gerontologist who has studied this phenomenon in depth. in his book Fault Lines: Fractured Families and How to Mend Themdocuments the high prevalence of this breakdown of ties between members of a family group.

It is estimated, for example, that almost 27% of Americans have cut off their relationship with a parent, child, sibling, etc. And This distancing hurts, causes chronic stress and suffering that is not addressed psychologically.

Grief due to family estrangement defines the emotional discomfort experienced when a loved one moves away or we move away. Because many times, Although this act is justified, it still provokes a certain contradictiona certain emptiness and mixed emotions that we don’t really know how to define.

What are the strategies to deal with this type of break in the bond with a loved one?

The reasons that lead to the breaking of a bond are multiple and highly complex. Sometimes the origin lies in disagreements. Parents who do not accept their children’s partners. Children who escape from their parents after a series of traumatic experiences. There are the economic conflicts and, of course, the mental ones.

A large part of the grief due to family estrangement is due to the friction experienced with a family member who suffers from mental health problems. A person with a certain psychological disorder or some type of addiction can make coexistence completely difficult.

How to deal with these situations? We analyze it.

Beyond the stigma: accept that these situations are common

We have assumed that cutting ties with family is a stigma. We take a dim view of the son who does not talk to his parents. We criticize brothers who for 10 years have not wanted to know about each other. In these situations, we must understand that it is a common and highly widespread phenomenon.

The problem we have is that we don’t talk enough about family disagreements and estrangements. Also that We need better specialized professionals to help people in these experiences. Many want to reconcile and lack valid strategies to do so.

The importance of communication to clarify the problem and make a decision

Much of the difficulty of grieving due to family estrangement lies in communication problems. Works such as those carried out at Utah State University insist on something essential. In these types of situations it is key to know how to communicate assertively, clearly and respectfully.

Whether there is a need to reconcile or to permanently suspend the deal, it is necessary to express it and give arguments. Only in this way do we facilitate the possible rapprochement or being able to manage the grief due to the breakup of the bond. Many times, parents, siblings or children find themselves with the unexpected absence of that loved one and this is traumatic.

The most decisive thing is to always leave things clear. Living with constant uncertainty about the status of your relationship can be devastating. and generate very volcanic situations.

Estrangements cause “collateral damage.” That is, they force family members to take sides for one or the other.

Understanding the emotions arising from the broken bond

Grief due to family estrangement can raise ambivalent emotions ranging from sadness to anger.. One feels pain from this situation, but also confusion and even shame. Social shame, for example, for having a child who does not speak to us. For having siblings with whom we have no relationship.

Each person will experience this situation in a unique way and all reality is respectable.

We should not repress all these emotions, because if there is something common in breaking family ties, it is “not wanting to think about it.” However, that void is full of discomforts, voids, untangled knots, words said and unsaid… These are dimensions that need to be addressed.

Let’s delve into every emotion felt, every painful thought… Talking to valid support figures about everything we feel will be of great help to us.

Grieving due to family estrangement requires reformulating our ties and trying to live in the present.

The family is not a sacred institution that conquers all and always stays afloat. Sometimes, it can disintegrate. Sometimes, it is even reformulated in another way, with other more significant members. Either way, Grief due to family estrangement forces us to reflect on our ties and shape a new stage.

It is common that many of these people are separated from a family member, they live that reality with sadness and longing for reconnection.. They wish they could go back and figure out certain things. However, this is not always possible. Grief forces us to heal the past and focus on the present.

If we have a son, brother, father, mother who does not want to see us, let us accept their decision. Let’s focus on those close to us, loving and caring for those bonds that are rewarding and reciprocated; whether they are family or not. Missing is permissible, longing for positive situations from the past as well.

On the other hand, if we are the ones who have decided to distance ourselves, let us remember the reasons that have led us to do so. There are clear decisions that must be made for our well-being. Feeling a certain sadness for what could not be is also logical and respectable.

In conclusion. Nowadays, there are more and more people who carry on their backs the weight of a backpack full of disagreements and discomfort due to family distancing. We need to address this reality in a specialized way to redirect those who suffer from that broken bond, towards a space of greater tranquility and acceptance.

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