“Hoovering”, the technique to trap yourself in a toxic relationship again

Terms like gaslighting, body shaming and hoovering They have become popular to refer to certain behaviors in dysfunctional relationships. Some people are more likely than others to use these techniques, including narcissistic or self-centered people. Today we will talk about what is hoovering and how to identify it.

Hooveringalso known as vacuum cleaner technique, is a word in the English language to refer to a type of manipulation, in which a man or woman tries to convince an ex-partner to return to the relationship.

Although it is not something exclusive to people with narcissistic personality disorder, it is a typical behavior for them. Keep reading and identify how close you are and how to escape from someone like that.

Origin and characteristics of “hoovering”

Hoovering It derives from the Hoover appliance brand, from the United States. Its star product is vacuum cleaners: the starting point of vacuuming technique. Who practices the hoovering tries to suck, suck and absorb a person into a relationship that has already ended.

Usually, The relationship in question had dysfunctional or toxic characteristics, and the manipulative ex-partner demonstrated signs of a narcissistic personality. As experts point out, narcissism is related to short-term romantic success, but it is negatively associated when it comes to long-term relationships.

In these contexts, and as the evidence indicates, narcissistic people tend to be unfaithful, to make little commitment to the relationship and to consider it as a space for play. All these behaviors lead to the failure of the couple.although for many narcissists the last goodbye is not a definitive goodbye.

Researchers warn about the idea of ​​power that narcissistic people assume in their relationships. He hoovering It is nothing more than a technique of manipulation, abuse or emotional blackmail that manifests this power. A narcissist turns to her when he perceives that her ex-partner is moving away from her. This is a tentative maneuver to attract her back to the boundaries of the relationship.

The 9 most used hoovering techniques

Not always the hoovering It is easy to detect, because approaches between ex-partners are not uncommon. As we have already explained, it is more common among narcissists, so you must identify signs, signs or traits of this personality in your ex-partner. But don’t be scared, this is just the starting point. You should review the following warning signs.

1. Unexpected contact

A typical sign of hoovering It is the unexpected contact, after months or years in which neither of them has exchanged words. The contact is direct and the treatment is as if until recently both were peacefully enjoying each other’s company. We leave you some common messages in these contexts:

“I have dreamed of you”.“I’m watching our movie. “I immediately remembered you”.“Yesterday I passed by the restaurant where we met”.“What happened to the red dress I gave you for Christmas?”

These phrases are just examples, although they bring together the strategy to try to aspire to you. Its message is very clear and direct, the intentions are not at all ambiguous and nostalgia is always appealed to. Of course, Behind these words there is nothing more than a selfish and manipulative intention to attract you back under its shadow..

The first sign of hoovering is appearing after months or years without giving signs with a message of affection or nostalgia.

2. Signs of regret

By reestablishing communication, your ex-partner will try to convince you that he or she is sorry. He will do it, even though in the previous months or years he did not show any type of similar attitude, nor at the end of the relationship.. However, forgiveness may sound so sincere that you would hardly be able to identify it as a deception.

In fact, To make the words of forgiveness sound more realistic, you can choose to say them face to face. He will likely set up a date with you and, in the middle of it, apologize for his past attitudes and behaviors. If you do it virtually, you will be very insistent and will always try to steer the conversation towards the same thing.

3. Declarations of love

It won’t be long until that person begins to express his declarations of love. It is likely that during the relationship these were very rare, even non-existent..

The words of love are sudden, very direct and their intention is nothing more than to attract you back to him or her. They are often accompanied by promises of a future together or of things they never ended up doing.

4. Approach to the inner circle

As a good manipulator, whoever resorts to hoovering knows that the best way to get closer to you is to get closer to those around you. Suddenly reestablish contact with your parents, siblings and friends. It does it both virtually and in person, and tries directly or indirectly to make clear his intentions of wanting to get back with you..

5. Pretend that nothing has happened

We have already made it clear that this technique is used against dysfunctional relationships that have come to an end. Whoever uses it reestablishes communication, pretending that nothing has happened. You may have suffered emotional, psychological and even physical abuse during the relationship, but that person will pretend that nothing has happened.

If you try to remind him, he will try to apologize and express regret. It is a simplistic but at the same time effective technique for washing hands in these scenarios.. Remember that his ability to get out of compromising situations is almost innate, so he will manage to ignore them or get out of them through no fault of his own.

6. Threatening to harm yourself

If at any point your plans do not work out as you would like, the manipulative person will choose to threaten to compromise your integrity. He will do this if you don’t respond to his messages, if you don’t accept a date with him, or if, despite doing both, you don’t show any interest in getting back into the relationship.. This technique seeks to attract you again, whether you want it or not.

7. Absolute victimization

As it could not be otherwise, victimization will be your letter of introduction. At first, he will appeal for repentance, although little by little his speech will change to play the victim. Suddenly, he’s the good guy in the movie and you’re the bad guy. He will use examples and allude to distorted situations that will convince you that you are actually the aggressor.

8. Blackmail with gifts

In company with all the above, that person may shower you with luxurious gifts that you have not requested. He will send them to your work and your residence, and they will almost always be showy, not discreet at all.

The intention is very obvious: He not only wants you to see them, but also those who are part of your circle.. Like everything else, it is a manipulation technique that seeks to make you be indebted to her.

Gifts or favors are a very typical form of blackmail for people who practice hoovering.

9. Require immediate help or support

Once he has established contact with you, has repented and has woven the first strands of his manipulation strategy, he will require your help or support to resolve a situation. You may have had an accident with the vehicle, had a medical emergency, require support due to the death of a family member or other similar contexts. In any case, will assume an unprotected or helpless role.

How about up to here? There are many other signs to identify the hoovering, but these are the most important ones. With this list you will know how to neutralize a narcissist and deal with his manipulation. It is important that you remember what that relationship was really like and why you decided to leave it, before you walk back along the same paths.

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