Getting back with the Ex: how to make this decision? |

I’m going to start this conversation here from a premise that I consider fundamental. get back with the ex: never!

Calm! Be careful with the power of words and how we link to them. If the relationship ended, different reasons triggered this end, “coming back” then means a reflection on what you had, the famous more of the same.

And what purpose would that have? None, I hope. After all, from a traumatic event (betrayal, for example) to the conclusions of a process of reflection on what you had (incompatibilities), there is evidence that you no longer wanted what you had.

Therefore, “going back with the ex” is out of the question, because here we would be accepting that everything that led us to break up, that is, the experience acquired until the end of that relationship, will not be added to your life, will not be part of what you understand you need to start and maintain a relationship.

These are values ​​that you cannot break with at the risk of annulling yourself within the relationship, a kind of eternal fusion in the other, in which your identity would be replaced only by the identity of the then couple. and You would be replaced by We forever and, we know, that’s cute in fairy tales, but in real life, canceling the I by We in the entire relationship is a collective suicide of at least two.

So the answer “Getting back with the Ex” is given?

Of course. That would be to believe that nobody (or nothing) deserves a new chance, you see, new chance. Therefore, it is not about getting back with the ex, but about RESTARTbring the new into your life, bring the new to the “Us” that will suddenly reappear.

My proposal here is, even before reflecting on the subject, we adhere to an important inversion of perspective, which would be to never go back! RESTART, who knows? Let’s see.

Going back would be accepting what we had as if we understood that there was an inability to do better. Going back is perhaps still connected to the pain of absence, which intoxicates our assessment of what we had and what we want to have.

Going back is following the same road, in the same way, with the same person and, even so, wishing to arrive in a different place. Going back is repeating, going back is accepting less for not understanding that you deserve more.

Starting over is faith in what’s new, it’s hoping that something even better can come out of this relationship. Starting over is believing in one’s ability to renew despite the fear of repeating mistakes that have already made us suffer.

To do it all over again is to go back, to write a new story is to start over.

To start over is to follow new paths with the same person, certain that this is the only way we will reach new places. Starting over is doing the best you can with what you have, without discarding what you have as something replaceable. We humans are not replaceable because we are absolutely unique, however, starting over is not accepting less because we understand we deserve more.

Every day, we wake up to an absolutely new world, not yet lived, waking up means being in tomorrow, which yesterday was the future. To do it all over again is to go back, to write a new story is to start over, even if it is in the same scenario, with the same characters, as long as you write a new script. Does it work? Clear! But who said it would be easy?

What are you looking for in an attempt to get back with your ex?

A good starting point for this decision is to identify what we want for ourselves in a relationship.

The interesting thing would be for you to be as objective as possible, pointing out what cannot be missing in a relationship.

To help, create a checklist yourself, take a piece of paper and write it down, so that, in addition to organizing your ideas, you can reflect on it if you reach a final list, which will be a mature reference that anything less than that is of no use to you. .

What a relationship needs to have:

Respect – My individuality, my family, my values).
Understanding – We are unique and, therefore, different, each one with its origin, how to intend to go on without understanding the other and being understood.
companionship – Support, encourage, welcome).
Romanticism – Be attentive to the other, sensitive to changes, bring news to everyday life, always win back.;
Sex – Healthy, horny, without judgment, with respect for the limits of the other, without losing space to develop.
Admiration – How the other is in the relationship not only with you, but with the world, how much it inspires, pleases and affects.
Affinities – Common purpose, looking in the same direction, even if they do not do the same things, one must somehow contribute to the journey of the other. Collision routes and abandonment will never be healthy, that maxim of “opposites attract” is good in speech, already in practice…

Don’t think we would leave out objective criteria such as:

I want a beautiful love – ok, we are here trying to start over, but the person can look at himself more attentively, not in search of commercial beauty sold as a standard, but to resort to a care for himself that he did not have before and needed )
I want a healthy love – let’s assume you like sports, take care of your food, and that wasn’t in your relationship and that for you is an important value for a partner; let’s assume that the person used to smoke and you don’t want it anymore, so quitting is something that love needs to stop doing);
I want a successful love – If this love was not related in a mature or responsible way with money, did not invest in being a good professional and this bothered him, this change in attitude must be made clear).

This list is very particular, we may never find one like the other. I brought some points from my sensitivity and experience in assisting couples in therapy, also in individual sessions where issues are repeated and dissatisfactions are the same. As a therapist, I realized how far we are from each other in desires and yet we remain so lost in fulfilling them.

Saying that if you HAVE the love of the other is a mistake

I think we end up distancing ourselves from such common goals because of the way we try to find love. I came to this conclusion after putting together the requests that came to me in two questions:

We could even make use of a comforting and even romantic response, but I have a proposal to change perspective that I find very interesting. How about we correct the way we present minimum requirements to find, start, restart and sustain a healthy, productive and loving relationship (at the very least)?

The proposal is to exclude the condition “MUST HAVE” about everything that involves a love relationship, even if you include it in beautiful adjectives, and come to understand that in a relationship saying that “HE HAS” the other is a primary mistake, to say that “HE HAS” the love of another is another mistake.
Realize, you never “WILL HAVE” the other, because no one belongs to him.

That would be forcing an unfair possession and we cannot own something that is already born with an owner, HIMSELF. You never “WILL HAVE” the love of the other, you WILL FEEL It is WILL ENJOY of this love as long as it is exchanged between you, this is what is expected from a healthy relationship, feeling love, exchanging and enjoying without possessing and subjecting the other to being what he is not, so that he does not subject you to being who you are not.

Thus, without possessions, without reciprocal, disabling, alienating, toxic submissions, use another expression exclusively to help you in this search for a Romantic Love.

Be aware that getting back together with your ex has to mean

The more mature, the better. With the most knowledge about ourselves, the better. The individuality and past history of each one is, and always will be, important, and must be respected. With empathy and compassion, it is unlikely that your defect will oppress the other, subdue the other to your will, submit the other to your narcissus. With indispensable cordiality, education and affection, he will never treat the other less than he would like to be treated, generating a reciprocal indispensable for a relationship. Beauty is ephemeral, including yours. Therefore, if you spend your life looking for external attributes to start and maintain your love relationships, sooner or later you will be discarded by this same passing selection criteria.

IT’S LOVE?

Be aware that WITHOUT self-LOVE, for the other and with the other, no loving relationship should exist. Remaining clear that for there to be love, it cannot be missing:

Respect Understanding Companionship Romanticism Gender Admiration Affinities

And look at us going back to the beginning of the list.

Relationship is perhaps one big cycle – the Cycle of Life.

Allowing what is bad to repeat itself is accepting a vicious circle – GO BACK.
Not allowing what is bad to perpetuate is living in a virtuous circle – START AGAIN.

Outsourcing the sole responsibility for the success of relationships to love is, in fact, the formula for the failure of any love relationship. Failed Love Relationships are not just those that end in breakup.

Perhaps the greatest of failures, the greatest misery of love relationships, is the lack of capacity to BE AWARE THAT the relationship has already failed, remaining, sometimes for a lifetime, a martyrdom.

We do not want to state here that love is not the greatest principle of the Loving Relationship. However, understanding this love is the best path to follow, as this way we would not burden it with the sole responsibility of sustaining a relationship.

I carry with me a teaching that guides me through the subjectivity of the paths of love, a phrase attributed to Buddha:

“Happiness is the fundamental principle of life and wanting the happiness of others is the greatest proof of love.”

I see this as a mandatory guiding principle of love relationships, something that would give us security to act and awareness of what it is fundamental to receive back. Look:

If my gesture, my attitude, my offer, my request, my presence, my absence, my listening, my availability, my understanding of the other’s defects, my praise of the other’s qualities, my gratitude for what I receive, my donation, my care, my declarations of love, and a list of generic, specific and derived elements of the exchange that a loving relationship imposes, are contributing to the HAPPINESS of your partner, you will certainly be very close to being a VIRTUOUS OF LOVE – A BEING APT TO RELATE AND LOVE.

Here we go through issues that go beyond “starting over with the Ex”, going through values ​​that can effectively help in the search for love. For those who wish to start over (never come back, please), there is a small advantage over those who want to find a relationship to start with, which is the fact that there is already a previous experience, of enormous value.

Until next time, good luck to the brave ones who don’t give up walking in the virtuous circles of love.