Experts teach how to put an end to children’s tantrums and tantrums

Of that size and capable of saying such an emphatic “no” – with the right to screams, cries and kicks. Your baby has grown, already walks, talks, sends kisses and… throws a tantrum! Thus, it takes you out of seriousness, gives you a headache and attracts looks at the mall. Calm down: as you may have heard around, it happens in the best families. Incidentally, this is not only part of the life of those who have children, but is inherent in child development. At 2 years old, when morning attacks are more common, the child starts to recognize himself as a little being independent of the parents. Someone who, like adults, has desires and wants to see them satisfied. There, he seeks autonomy and control and takes every opportunity to make his position clear. In the middle of the clash, she feels powerful and it is up to the parents to impose the contours of what is acceptable. If it weren’t difficult enough, this testing phase can be prolonged, with consequences for the life of the family and also the little troublemaker. Therefore, experts recommend: take the reins from an early age, even if with skill and love.

During the first years, the child still relies heavily on actions and reactions and on his own impulses to communicate his feelings. She is beginning to understand her environment and her relationship to the world; then he becomes more sensitive to experiences that do not correspond to what he expects. “What is usually seen as disobedience is just the child’s way of testing limits, communicating and gaining attention”, says psychologist Bronwyn B. Charlton, coordinator of the Seedlings Group, an American group that supports the education of children that has headquarters in New York and Los Angeles. Despite recognizing their individuality at this stage, the child still does not have the ability to put themselves in the other’s shoes, manage frustrations, control their emotions or solve problems. So, when the situation gets complicated and she finds it difficult to express and even understand what she is feeling, she resorts to primary family resources: she cries, screams, kicks. Faced with this scene, parents, if they are not irritated, feel, at the very least, lost – and frustrated, since even attempts to please and calm down prove to be ineffective.

It was in search of answers to overcome this challenge that the French psychologist Isabelle Filliozat wrote the book Já Tried de Tudo (Sextante), recently released in Brazil. Mother of a couple, she says that, when educating them, she tried to reinforce acts of love and reduce the punitive tone in conversations. “I gave rules, but I tried to avoid very radical limits. More than just obeying me, I wanted them to learn to think about the consequences of their behavior and become responsible”, Isabelle, from Paris, tells CLAUDIA. The tantrums, however, persisted. “I didn’t think they were trying to assault me ​​or play power games, but I couldn’t understand what was going on in their minds either.”

By studying the child’s brain and the behavior of the little ones, the psychologist discovered that, while a stressed baby protects himself by sleeping, the neurons of an overloaded and overstimulated 2-year-old child fire, causing a storm. “It’s a release tool for the brain. But few parents understand this and are imagining that the tantrum is a whim, just a personal reaction to frustration – which is, in general, the trigger, but not always the cause of the tantrum in the morning”, ponders Isabelle. And she proposes: instead of despairing with the recurrent whining, take the opportunity to develop new skills in the child. Just giving the order and expecting her to obey is the path to confrontation. Seek cooperation, offer choices and make her think. “This phase is especially terrible if parents don’t take into account that the little ones are growing up and need to make some decisions alone. For example, if you order a 2-year-old to put on his coat, he will object. But, if you first talk about the weather outside and ask her what she wants to wear, the story changes”, assures Isabelle.

Frustration is usually the trigger, but not always the cause of the morning attack, Isabelle Filliozat

the king of the house

The hard part is getting the balance right between letting the child make some choices or becoming a little tyrant. In this search for balance, the image of the authoritarian parents of the past is giving way not only to loving and caring figures but also insecure, guilty and tired, who give in to tantrums and accept any negotiation in the eagerness to resolve the drama quickly. Unintentionally, they feed the problem. “Parents lose the reins and let their child reign supreme. Often, it is the little one who decides what he is going to eat and what time he is going to sleep”, points out the psychoanalyst Marcia Neder, associate professor at the Federal University of Mato Grosso do Sul and author of the book Despotas Mirins – O Poder nas Novas Famílias (Zagodoni Editora ). From the moment they give up their role, adults create a gap for what they call “infantolatry”, that is, a cult of children, as if they were a god. “Parents need to remember that they are the adults in this relationship. There are things that the child simply isn’t able to decide, because he doesn’t even have discernment”, warns psychologist Marcia. Therefore, instead of asking what the little one wants to eat, at the risk of hearing “French fries”, she gives him only two options, both nutritious. Thus, the exercise of child autonomy gains necessary parameters. Self-control, explains the American Charlton, can be taught and strengthened. Instead of just punishing bad behavior, he helps your child change his attitude: “Skills will not only help him be more likeable or gain empathy but will be essential for his success and development in the future.”

Although it is a childish tactic, typical of the first years, the tantrum (or morning, bad breeding, whatever you want to call it) does not have an age to end. If at 2 years of age much of the opposition of the little ones is a way of recognizing one’s own individuality, adolescent rebelliousness also comes from reaffirmation and the search for independence. “Every child wants to be the center of attention and uses subterfuge to get what they want. This behavior is still being aggravated by the guilt that adults feel for working outside the home and not being as present in important moments as they would like”, analyzes psychologist Renata Yamasaki, a specialist in family guidance, from São Paulo. “What is needed is to give autonomy to children as they manage to assume more complex responsibilities.” After all, as the expert warns, authoritarianism reduces their ability to control emotions, while permissiveness makes them selfish.

two thermometers

Over the years, what changes are the resources used by children and parents. At first, adults should say the whys in a short way, almost like an order: “Leave that toy there”. Around 5, they can give slightly longer explanations such as: “We are not going to take this today, because Mom has no money”. At 10, children understand the rules better and are more aware of the consequences. Therefore, combinations such as: “We’re going to the mall, but we won’t buy anything, we’ll just have a snack” are suitable. But it’s worth remembering that frustrations will exist your whole life and that it’s essential to deal with them without throwing yourself on the ground.

If not, this inability not only irritates but hinders the child’s development. “To find out if this is the case, take into account two thermometers: the academic and the social”, explains psychologist Gustavo Teixeira, author of O Reizinho da Casa – Manual for Parents of Oppositional, Defiant and Disobedient Children (Best Seller). If the child doesn’t keep up with the class, doesn’t have friends or causes parents to give up certain programs for fear of scandal, there is something wrong. The family must be evaluated and guided. “Giving limits is also a proof of love”, recalls Teixeira.

anti morning tactic

See how to face the most stressful moments

• Stay calm: you are the child’s model of how to deal with feelings like anger, frustration and sadness. If you maintain serenity, you can help her calm down.
• Identify emotions: try to recognize what your child is feeling. Ask him to tell you what happens. The cause of the tantrum can be hunger, tiredness or some discomfort.
• Ignore the scandal: stay firm, present, but don’t give in to the child’s desires. If she is throwing herself to the ground or throwing objects, hold her until she calms down.
• Correct the behavior immediately: do not fall into the temptation of fulfilling the child’s desire to end the attack right away and leave it to correct it later. The child’s time is different and, hours later, he may not even remember what happened.
• Give the child the opportunity to choose: let your child know that you trust him to make some decisions (the game, the clothes and even the snack). But limit the options to what appeals to you.
• Redirect: at the height of the tantrum, try to change the focus of attention of the little one. For example, offer a glass of water – it’s hard to cry and drink at the same time -, put on your favorite music or show an interesting object.
• Provide tools: suggest (and teach) ways for the child to calm down on their own; for example, taking a deep breath or even imitating an animal – like a lion, when angry.
• Avoid overstimulation: allow your child to be in peace for a while. Sometimes he is overstimulated and because of this he gets out of control.
• Use positive phrases: Giving feedback on good behaviors works. Praise, for example, when your child puts toys in the right place.