Disappointment on social networks: how to deal with friends who change a lot?

You’re there taking that usual look at your timeline on Facebook and suddenly SHAD! sees a super sexist comment from a nice friend with whom she studied English. Or, on Twitter, you come across a ~funny~ and ambiguous post, which may or may not be racist, made by a cousin who is usually a sweetheart in person.

Read too: Discover how social media can affect your well-being without you even realizing it

Unless you build a pretty solid bubble on your social media, excluding everyone who thinks differently than you do, these situations are common. But that doesn’t stop bothering them when they happen – especially when they come from people who until the other day were nice and didn’t seem to have a profile that would disappoint you in that way. Hence the question: how to deal with them?

Respect your friends’ freedom of opinion

We’ve already talked about tips on how to act, but first remember that you have to respect other people’s freedom. “You have to understand that people have different opinions, that not always you and your friends will agree on everything. Social networks are a very vast space, where everyone can talk a lot and whatever they want”, he says. Ana Paula Ferreira de Souzaa psychologist specializing in cognitive-behavioral therapy.

This even goes the other way: have you ever stopped to think that your new opinions might surprise and annoy those who have known you for some time? Not everything is a reason to take satisfaction or want to convince the other that your point of view is correct.

Prefer to talk privately

But ok, we understand that there are cases when you can’t be quiet, when you need to say something. In this case, count to ten and choose to talk privately. It is the advice of Gina Machado, psychologist and co-founder of Clínica Estar: “Get in touch by private message and let us know that you noticed a change. The ideal is, from then on, to call the person, make an appointment to talk in person, to avoid misinterpretations that the written conversation would allow”.

Furthermore, according to Ana Paula, an immediate and public reaction is not a good idea because of the altered moods we get when reading certain things. “It is normal for something that upsets us to make us nervous, upset, angry. This change of mood affects our action, and any criticism from us can be interpreted as an argument, a fight, when it could just be a debate, ”she says.

Not to mention that, when starting an attempt to exchange ideas through open comments on a post, we are subject to other people entering the conversation, people who have nothing to do with the story. And then, my friend, you lose control.

But our contact is not even that close…

If the person writing what annoys or upsets you isn’t close enough for you to feel free to call in private – there’s always that ex-swimming buddy, that ex-boyfriend’s friend you don’t even know why you’re still around there –, it is worth asking: what is she doing on your friends list?

“You have to evaluate online friendships constantly”, advises Ghina, who continues: “Is it worth keeping that person there? Can you talk to her?”

If the answer is no to one of the questions, don’t think twice: delete it from your friends list. It adds nothing to your life anyway – other than the silent, unnecessary stress you’ve been through.

And when a close person goes TOO MUCH online?

On the other hand, the person may be close – a co-worker, a friend of dear friends, a relative you meet at family gatherings –, but not open to any attempt at dialogue and going too far beyond what you consider acceptable. Deleting it can cause a lot of embarrassment.

“From a technological standpoint, it’s possible to avoid confrontation and silence her posts,” notes Ghina. That means: don’t repress yourself and click on the “Unfollow” option in a good way! It’s a simple, discreet solution that she won’t even notice.

Ana Paula defends that “what causes discomfort does not need to appear on the timeline” and that, as a last resort, it is even valid for exclusion and blocking, if that is going to do you any good.

Just be prepared for the consequences. “It’s important to be clear about your reasons. Deleting and blocking can cause a real estrangement from that person. If the inconvenience is yours, you have to deal with what will come after a broken virtual friendship. As much as the reason was the initial attitude of the other, the responsibility for this unfolding is yours”, concludes the psychologist.