Consoling with words: 4 essential keys according to science

Not everyone knows how to comfort with words. The reality is that the good art of providing support, of providing warmth, consolation and comfort to those who are suffering, is not at all easy. Thus, although pain has many forms and multiple origins, in reality, when it comes to being supportive to someone, there are always common strategies that can help us.

The Swedish writer Stig Dagerman said that human beings’ need for comfort is insatiable. Somehow, this is a dimension that we always miss and that creates veins, wounds and voids. Consolation comes from understanding the other and this is perhaps what we often long for.an understanding or authentic connection of others to inner realities.

Nobody asks that when one has a bad time, the other feels that dejection in the same way. What is expected is an exquisite combination of knowing how to be without judging, of supporting without needing to harass. Consolation starts from the invisible dimension of real affection and, above all, from that facilitation that invites us to release burdens, to leave out (and share) what hurts inside.

We delve into it.

Keys to knowing how to console with words

“Cheer up, everything passes, don’t worry, that’s nothing, I’m truly sorry for what happened to you, give yourself time and you’ll see how in three months you’ll feel better.” When it comes to comforting, there are multiple resources and expressions that, in many cases, far from fulfilling that purpose, intensify the suffering even more.

It is true that, behind these expressions, there is good faith. It is true that whoever tells us that “Don’t worry, I’ve been through this and it’s over.“He does it without bad intentions. However, whoever utters that amalgam of unfortunate words does not know that with that phrase they put pressure on us (everyone gets over it and if you don’t, you’re in trouble).

Lack of insight, lack of emotional support skills, psychological clumsiness… There are many mistakes that are made in this practice And even if there is empathy, even if the other person does connect with our discomfort and pain, we do not always know what to do, what to say or how to respond. Understanding the keys to knowing how to console according to science can be very important tools that we should all integrate.

1. I know you’re going through a time and I’m so sorry.

John Gottman, clinical psychologist, researcher and expert in relationships, also explains to us in his works how to carry out this area, which, in reality, is also decisive in an emotional bond. Thus, it affects that when one of the members suffers, What you expect from the other is that they be your sounding board -understanding and empathy-.

Gottman defines it as being a close “witness” of the other person’s pain. Being a mirror and that close presence that understands and knows how to be present. Therefore, one of the best phrases or expressions that we can use is, for example “I know you are suffering and I am very sorry”, “”I am very sorry for what you are going through, I understand your discomfort, your pain, sadness…”.

The key is to validate the other’s feelings, to make them see that everything they feel makes sense.. Therefore, it is important to facilitate relief, create a refuge so that the person feels free when expressing what they need.

2. No wise reasoning, no judgments, no references to own experiences are needed.

When we are going to offer comfort and support to a person, we do not need pearls of wisdom or philosophical reasoning.. Even more, it will not help the other person if we explain that we have gone through the same thing as them and that in the end, everything passes or is solved.

The reality that each individual lives is unique and exceptional; Therefore, it is better to avoid comparisons. On the other hand, studies, such as those carried out at the University of Illinois (United States), point out something important. To console with words it is necessary to take into account the following aspects:

Conversational behaviors are essential in the process of comfort and support, but we must avoid judgments in them. Expressions like “this happened to you because (…)” or “what you should have done is (…)” Far from helping, they invalidate.

3. The person who suffers does not want advice

Advice and recommendations can be given by a teacher to his high school student. Also when a friend asks us (expressly) for guidance on a specific topic. However, in the field of consolation, emotional comfort and psycho-emotional support It is not useful for someone to tell us what we should do in those circumstances.

Dr. Xi Tian and other scientists at Pennsylvania State University researched how to comfort with words a year ago and discovered that well-intentioned advice is counterproductive. What’s more, what it often generates is psychological reactance, that is, a tendency to reject the indications or recommendations presented.

In essence, to avoid this reaction, it is necessary to avoid telling the other person what they should do or feel. Expressions like “get that out of your head or don’t think about it anymore” should be replaced by “what you feel is normal, I understand you and I am sorry”.

4. I am with you for whatever you need (when you tell me)

When it comes to delving into how to comfort with words, it is almost more important to clarify what should not be done. A mistake we make very often is obsessing about “being present.”. It is true that closeness helps and is essential, but you have to know how to leave space, allow time and respect your own needs.

Supporting without invading is an art. Being close without overwhelming is an intelligent and necessary resource. To do this, it is recommended that the person who is suffering know that we are thinking of them, that we carry them in our hearts and that anything they need is immediately available to them. Being that shoulder to cry on, that look in which to reflect and that presence that knows how to listen is key in the art of support.

To conclude, all of us, at some point, have found ourselves in this complex situation. Good among those who give comfort and also among those who have needed it. Neither of the two situations is simple, it is true, however, it is good to normalize them and enable us in this essential life competition. Consoling requires prudence, wisdom and that emotional connection that comforts without invading.

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