8 phrases a stepmother should never say

the figure of stepmother witch, personification of evil, is still loose in some people’s imagination. So don’t make it easy. If you screw up with your boyfriend or husband’s kids, they might mistake you for the fairytale villain. Before that happens, take a look at our short list of no-no’s, reviewed by Denise Falcke, marriage and family therapist.

1. You can call me Mom

You are not and should not try to be the mother of your stepchildren, even if she is already dead. If you act like this, you can awaken in children the feeling that they are betraying their biological mother – consequently, out of loyalty, they will reject you. The ideal is to define, with everyone, your place in the family: you can earn love and respect by being who you are, without having to compete with anyone.

2. What face is this?

If the parents have recently separated, it is natural for the children to be sad. In general, they put all the blame for the separation on the stepmother. Even if the divorce took place some time ago, they cultivate the fanciful idea that their parents will one day get back together, rebuilding the family – and their arrival puts an end to these dreams. The best thing to do is allow their feelings – sadness, anger or jealousy – to be expressed.

3. Why don’t you like me?

You can’t force someone to feel affection. If you notice signs of rejection, don’t press and control your anxiety to be accepted quickly, as this attitude will only make things worse. Prepare for a slow and gradual conquest – this is how all bonds are established. From the start, though, you can and should demand respect.

4. Who taught you this?

Any overt or covert censure of the mother – and the education she gave her offspring – will put you in an unfavorable position. If you notice that she is scheming or acting unethically, discuss the problem with your partner, never with the children.

5. Your room is a disgrace!

The stepmother, together with the father, needs to make it clear that the children must respect the house rules even if they are different from those they are used to. But good humor helps a lot in negotiation. Don’t take the mess as a provocation: they probably also make a little cabin in their mother’s, grandparents’ room…

6. Do you think money falls from the sky?

It is permissible to explain the real value of things and refuse unreasonable requests, but making comments about the child support he gives his children is a no-brainer. This issue and the visiting days are not for you to define – preferably, they should be decided in court, or by the parents, in order to guarantee the children’s rights. As the alimony payment interferes with the budget of remarried families, you may even be dissatisfied. In that case, try to reach a consensus by talking to your husband, not your stepchildren.

7. I love you like you were my son

Children are children and stepchildren are stepchildren – these are different bonds and your relationship with both will be much better if you don’t compare them. The fundamental thing is to make everyone feel part of the clan, with the right to express opinions, desires or complaints. In the case of the arrival of a new baby, also count on the love and camaraderie between siblings: not everything is dispute and jealousy in a home.

8. Now you will have a family again

Be careful not to see yourself as the “savior”, who arrived to rebuild the destroyed home. This image, in addition to not being very nice, is false, because the new marriage does not nullify the experience of separation that your partner and children went through. It is best to take it for granted that this relationship will be different from the previous one and will require the creation of other roles. Try to let go of traditional models and build with everyone the one that works for you.