12 steps to letting go of a grudge

Resentment is a tatty old sweater that you can’t throw away – because if you do, how will you keep warm? It’s part of human nature: almost everyone holds a grudge.

It’s not easy to let go of resentments that grow to the point of almost taking on a life of their own. But the relief and lightness you will feel are worth it. Below, therapists explain how resentments hurt you, and give a step-by-step guide to letting go of those grudges.

the unforgivable

The unfaithful partner, the uncaring parent, the former best friend who rejected you. The work bully, the criminal, even yourself when you were young. The hurt is real. And now?

After an infidelity, the urge to shield yourself from the pain is normal, says Jeff Harris, manager of the employee assistance program at the University of Southern California.

“We recognize that we’ve been hurt and that we’re powerless and vulnerable,” says Harris, licensed counselor for couples, families and children. “We don’t like that vulnerability, and that’s okay – it’s part of being human’s adaptable nature.”

Holding onto a grudge can be a “bargaining chip” that either partner can use at any point in the relationship, says Harris. “Don’t complain about me – remember him that time…?”

But keeping a partner at arm’s length because of distrust prevents the relationship from deepening, Harris says, even when a partner apologizes and changes his behavior.

Sometimes the apology never comes, of course. In this case, it’s like a “scar” forms, says Nancy Colier, a psychotherapist and spiritual guide in New York.

“We can show it to others: ‘I’ve been wronged and I’m angry.’ It’s a way to get a little affection,” says Colier. “But rather than an authentic expression of affection, it becomes rooted in our identity as someone who has been wronged.”

Resentments can be corrosive to our physical and mental health. Getting stuck in a state of rage causes the body to operate in fight-or-flight mode, explains Karen Swartz, a psychiatrist at Johns Hopkins University, in a July 2014 article on the healing power of forgiveness.

Hormones released into the blood can increase blood pressure and heart rate. And the negative and suspicious state of mind can affect other relationships.

Steps to letting go

Resentments take time to grow, and getting rid of them is a process. You can follow these steps on your own or with the help of a therapist.

1. Acknowledge the hurt.
You’ve been wronged, and that’s real. Describing what happened and how you felt is a start – whether it’s writing a diary or a letter you’ll never send to the person who hurt you. Telling these truths can be “an incredibly powerful process, where you put those responsible in an imaginary chair and express your anger,” says Colier.

And Harris advises, “Give yourself credit for what you did to try to deal with the original offense.”

2. Forgive.
Forgiving someone who has hurt you is a gift you give yourself. That doesn’t mean you have to forget the offense.

It’s not about making the other person act differently. It could even be forgiving yourself for something you’ve done.

3. Understand that forgiving does not mean agreeing.
“Acceptance does not mean agreement,” says Harris. “People may have a good sense of fairness and fairness and although they understand logically – that it’s important to let go; that you can’t control everything – they fear that, by abandoning the fight, the culprit will think he has emerged victorious, or that the victim agrees with what was done.”

What acceptance really means, he says, is, “I can’t go back in time and create a new version of the past.”

4. Ask yourself: why?
People realize that resentment is a problem when they feel like they can’t move forward, says Colier.

Grief starts to feel like an old thing, that it doesn’t matter that much anymore. But…letting it go feels threatening, she says, because it means giving up the attitude:

“Look what happened to me”. You may also be afraid of letting go of the resentment, as this will leave you feeling empty. In effect, you will be creating space for healthier feelings to occupy that space.

5. Consider switching.
“Think of the benefits you will have when you commit to forgiveness,” says Harris. “Often, we are talking about peace of mind, saving personal energy wasted on resentment, a sense of freedom and the ability to renew trust more genuinely.”

6. Don’t let anger define you.
People can forgive terrible injustices, even heinous crimes. “I was very touched by the South Carolina churchgoers who, days after the shooting (which left nine dead), came forward and openly discussed pardoning the shooter,” Harris said.

“They still had the right to see justice done. But they didn’t want one person’s violent act to define their lives from then on.”

7. Pay attention to what others say.
Close friends are often good references when you talk about past hurts. Even the most patient listeners will get bored.

When people say you’re stuck, it’s time to find a new narrative.

8. Change the conversation.
If you’re the one listening to a friend or relative lament, says Colier, you might wonder why the person insists on reliving the past.

But if you’re fed up, be direct. It is “completely acceptable” to say (in a kind way): “I can’t listen to this anymore. I don’t expect you to let it go, but I need care too.”

9. Practice. Empathy breeds forgiveness.
Acknowledging the other person’s perspective—that he or she also has unresolved hurts or that acting in self-serving causes inevitable conflicts with your interests—can help to deal with the hurt.

An exercise: visualize a thick rope connecting you to the person you want to forgive and let go of the rope. Daily affirmations, journaling, meditation, and tracking your thoughts and attitudes also help.

10. Don’t play the victim.
Colier remembers a woman who spent years complaining about her mother’s inattention.

Never mind adult life, it all had to do with those past issues. Ultimately, the woman understood “how angry and wronged this person has always been for her,” says Colier. “She started to realize that it never helped her. I hadn’t allowed her to be vulnerable.”

11. Accept yourself.
Leaving resentments in the past generates revelations and transformations, as Colier saw in the case of the woman in the item above. “A completely new person emerged – with layers, textures, feelings,” she says.

12. Develop grace.
“I encourage you to adopt an advanced form of forgiveness, which I call grace,” says Harris. “Practicing grace is leaving forgiveness packaged and available on a shelf, ready to use when an important person in your life (partner, child, parent, or co-worker) hurts you.

When we have already forgiven others for future offenses, we do not create resentment.”

This article was originally published on HuffPost Brasil.