Zero contact: when we choose to leave a relationship behind permanently

There are times in both our professional and personal lives when There is no choice but to do it: get up, put distance and establish zero contact.. We do it to regain control of our lives and above all, to sanitize emotions, dignities and to be treated as we deserve, as people with the right and legitimacy to choose what we want and what we don’t.

Something that both developmental and cognitive psychology show us is that Most of us are not ready to stand up and leave something. Our brain maps are wired to establish relationships, to connect socially and emotionally. Thus, when that alarm system suddenly resonates in us that warns us that something is “bad”, that a relationship is causing us more pain than benefits, it is more than common to resist.

The paradox of harmful relationships

Far from breaking those toxic ties that hurt us, we make up for them. And we do it by covering them with the most sophisticated shadows, layers and concealers. Through self-deception (“this is temporary, it will surely change”), through fictitious objectives (“tomorrow I will tell him what I think and put an end to this false friendship”) and even through the most complex defense mechanisms (repression, denial, isolation…). We forget, somehow, that Endings are as necessary as beginnings.

Fear, whether we want it or not, will always be there, both when it comes to letting go of something or someone and when life leads us to a new stage. Thus, There are times when the best way to allow ourselves to enter with greater dignity into that other cycle is by establishing zero contact. regarding those who at a given moment brought us the same taste: that of unhappiness.

Zero contact to regain hope

There are decisions that must be made from security and strength. For it You have to learn to shape what many psychologists call “raw emotions.”. We can establish this type of psychological dimension through three approaches, which, although complex to carry out, can bring us good results:

First, Let’s think about the possible consequences that may occur if we do not end that relationship.to that job, to that bond with a certain someone (stress, suffering, loss of health). Second, we must be able to do a very simple aspect. Clarify what we want for ourselves, For example: I want to feel good and regain control of my life. At the end of the day, we must know ourselves well enough to know what is good for us and what makes us uncomfortable. Once we are clear about it, we will reaffirm ourselves in those dimensions. Third, We must establish the desire for change in the face of the shadow of fear. We must focus on the impulse for improvement in the face of that conservative dimension where the same unhappiness becomes chronic.

After reflecting on these aspects, we will give shape to that raw emotion, with which we will be able to combine conviction and personal strength to make a firm decision where there is no room for fear or insecurity. Likewise, once the purpose has been executed and the person or persons informed about it, we will assess whether we will apply zero contact or not.

In which cases is it advisable to apply zero contact?

We will apply zero contact in those exhausting relationships, where it is necessary to leave behind the emotional relationship with a narcissist. or with a friendship that shares those same destructive traits. Also with relationships with family members where the damage is continuous (and there are no signs of change, awareness or improvement).

In addition, Zero contact is also recommended when we leave behind a work environment and colleagues who have violated our rights.. Many times this concept is restricted to personal relationships, but work dynamics can also be harmful.

Zero contact: you have the right to say “no”

Good gardeners know that for a rose bush to always be beautiful and healthy, it must be pruned from time to time. Sometimes it has more buds than it can hold, others make others sick, and some take up space that hinders the growth of the rest. Cutting, eliminating all contact with those parts that damage the rose bush, is essential for it to always look splendid.

The same thing happens in our relationships. It is not enough to just put some distance, to wait for things to change or to lower your face and continue feeding a garden full of weeds. We have every right to say “I don’t want more suffering.” and, after that, tear out our roots from that place so as not to have contact with those who live there again.

Zero contact to free ourselves from the tyranny of certain ties

There are relationships, people and dynamics that must be called by their name: emotional abuse, manipulation, abuse, traumatic bond, toxic colleagues or bosses, selfish families or fake friends. Clarifying what happens to these people will also help us make decisions with greater confidence.

On the other hand, it is necessary to take into account that zero contact in these cases symbolizes the full right to establish limits. It implies our firm resolution to free ourselves from the tyranny of those bonds that have exercised their power for a time with a single purpose: to nullify us physically and emotionally.

How to apply zero contact?

This decision is easier to reason than to implement. To resist the urge to reconnect with someone toxic, there are several effective measures to take:

Delete her from your social networks and your phone: that is, you block and then delete your contact. Don’t give yourself the opportunity to turn it around in the low moments.Ask your circles not to tell you anything about that person and don’t ask about her either. Do not attend, for the moment, places where you could meet that person.Do new activities and meet new people.

At the beginning of the process it is normal to feel secure, but also for doubts to appear later. Later, when your life begins to normalize without the other person, you may consider reaching out again to address problems from your new perspective. At that point, you are free to decide what you want.

Free yourself from guilt

There is no need to be afraid, therefore, when making this decision. It’s more, Nor are we obliged to justify ourselves or give too many explanations about the reason for our choice.. When one assumes that the best thing in this new stage is a firm distance and that zero contact with which we can heal and restart ourselves, there is no reason to waste more energy explaining something that, surely, the other person does not understand.

If we decide to leave, we must do so with ownership and with a perspective of growth, not with a feeling of guilt. Because the decisions that are made to safeguard integrity and happiness also serve to make us owners of our destiny, architects of a future with greater hope. And, on those paths, the burden of guilt has no place or meaning.

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