Why indecisive people have worse self-esteem (and how to reverse the situation)

Do you have a hard time making decisions? Do you always doubt if your choice is going to be the right one? Decision-making is an essential quality that is learned from childhood. If this learning is interrupted by adults, the child drags, for life, a very pernicious decline that especially affects self-esteem and happiness. It happens because when we decide and choose we have the sensation of being able to control our life and our destiny.

On the other hand, when we lose the ability to choose and are not allowed to choose, a dark fog covers our illusion and our ability to enjoy our lives. I want us to reflect on the importance of being able to decide and, as you can hear in this video podcast, on How can we recover that capacity in case we have lost it.

Decision making and self-esteem: how they are related

Babies are born with their ability to choose intact. As parents or educators, we do not have to do anything special to promote it; our only role, in this matter, would be to not interfere with their natural learning process.

When a child grows up accompanied by respectful adults and feels supported in his choices, throughout his life, he will continue to trust his own judgment when making decisions. However, when he is not allowed to choose or when the path to follow is marked out in a rigid and inflexible way, gradually, the child will lose self-confidence and will end up leaving decision-making entirely in the hands of adults and other more determined children.

How to learn to make decisions

Deciding everything for the children is a form of manipulation that has serious repercussions on the development of self-esteem and on the future ability to make decisions. An upbringing based on respect should trust the maturational processes of each child.

You learn to decide by deciding. Children cannot be expected to be fully autonomous and decisive adults if we have not allowed them to practice decision-making since they were little.

Obviously, the level of complexity and difficulty in these decisions should increase as they grow. At first, they will make, what seems to us, little choices like the type of clothes you like or what you feel like eatingHowever, this learning will be crucial for the rest of their lives by giving them enough confidence so that in their future they can decide for themselves, for example, not to associate with who hurts them or how they want to focus their professional life.

My consultation is frequently attended by people who have not been accompanied with respect in their childhood, who feel incapable of making decisions for themselves and who they are totally dependent on others to solve any problem in their life. In this case, psychological therapy can help to gain confidence in order to regain the ability to make decisions. The idea is to start making small decisions and try to understand that we can be wrong and learn from our mistakes.

In therapy, the case of Charo: “I don’t know how to decide”

In therapy, it is very common to find people with great difficulties when making decisions. On many occasions, these blocks are not due to serious abuse in childhood, but to a lack of practice. In an excess of care and protection, adults can go ahead and choose for their children, preventing them from practicing and gaining confidence in their own decision-making process.

This was the case of Charo, a girl who felt anxiety every time she was faced with an election. She always preferred to let others decide or let time pass, waiting for someone else to choose for her. Basically, according to what she told me in our sessions, this blockage caused him dissatisfaction, since she could not feel fulfilled in her life. She felt that she was always trailing behind others.

Analyzing his problem and talking about his childhood, Charo explained to me that her parents had never given her the option to choose. Adults always made decisions for her.

When she was little, they chose the clothes she had to wear and even the toys she had to play with. As she grew up, her parents chose her friends, her studies, and also the boy who would suit her as a boyfriend.

Her parents’ excuse was always protection and concern for the well-being of the young woman: “We know what is best for you. Trust us, listen to us. This is what suits you best.” Thus, Charo was delegating all the decisions, letting herself be carried away by her parents. She felt comfortable in that role of obedient and submissive daughter, but she was not aware of the dire consequences for her self-esteem.

As she herself told me: “On the one hand, you feel good, you let yourself go. It is comfortable that others decide. But you don’t practice decision making. You forget to decide, try, make mistakes and learn from your mistakes”.

This lack of practice, in the long term, affects the state of mind. Decision-making helps us feel good about ourselves, makes us feel alive. Deciding gives us a sense of power and control over our lives. Ultimately, deciding gives us happiness. On the other hand, not being able to decide, distresses and depresses.

In her present, Charo shared her life with a man 15 years older than her. Very experienced and confident, he also knew what was good for him and what he should do. He continued to exercise the same role of caretaker as his parents. But Charo had tired of following the path that was marked out for her, without being able to choose anything.

She knew that they loved her and that they did not do it with bad intentions, butBut I was starting to lose hope and the ability to enjoy life. He was aware that he had to start taking the reins.

Working on our sessions, Charo He was gaining confidence to practice this ability that he had almost forgotten. She began to make small decisions, verifying that nothing was wrong and that she felt much better with each new choice she made. She was willing to make mistakes and learn from her mistakes.

He spoke with his parents and with his partner to involve them of his work in therapy and to mark the type of relationship he wanted to have with them. In summary, these were her words: “Protection can be discordant with what I want or need, and it doesn’t let me develop. I appreciate your guidance and advice, but I want you to let me make my own decisions. I want you to continue accompanying me and to be available if I need help at any time, but I don’t want you to lead my way”.

I wish that you also connect with your ability to decide, that you listen to it and develop it.