Why sometimes we cannot forgive or forget

Sometimes it happens: we cannot forgive or forget. We know that the ideal, the healthiest and even necessary would be to take that step, the exercise of forgiveness in order to turn the page. However, no one achieves it overnight. Because it is not a magic trick or a simple act and, sometimes, there is not even the express desire to do it.

Each one carries their adverse experiences, the marks of their disappointments and even the splinters of traumatic experiences. And indeed, the most likely thing is that, throughout our lives, we have already forgiven many things. Instead, There are experiences that leave a permanent dent in the heart, gaps where the residue of a silent pain settles that alters everything.

There are grudges that last decades and pasts that are still very present; it’s true. And it is also true that this way of existence is neither comfortable nor healthy. That which persists, resists and blurs our ability to trust life and people again, It takes away our well-being and happiness.

Is there perhaps a key to overcoming this type of situation? We analyze it.

What cannot be forgiven or erased from the mind can alter many areas of our lives.

When we cannot forgive or forget: why does it happen?

Forgive and forget is advice that echoes on many walls. It is like a cultural adage that we grow up with and that, in many cases, we integrate into our mental record. There are countries, especially those located in that most eastern orbit, that see in the exercise of forgiveness a way to preserve social harmony.

However, In the West we use forgiveness as that individual mechanism with which to relieve a burden, recover psychological balance and be able to close a stage.. With this we want to make something very clear: people know that giving forgiveness is recommended and also a mental health exercise. Now, the problem comes when we cannot forgive or forget.

Science has been studying this type of phenomenon for quite some time. In fact, for psychology it is also striking to see the individual differences that exist between us. There are people capable of forgiving very serious acts (slander, infidelity, theft…). Others, on the other hand, do not even forgive someone around them for forgetting their birthday.

What are these singularities due to?

Forgiveness is not a choice, it is a process

There is one aspect that we must understand first. When we cannot forgive or forget, the reason is the emotional damage suffered. The greater the weight of the affront suffered, the more time is required to process what happened and heal that suffering layer by layer. And as always happens, each person has their own rhythm. Not everyone does it at the same speed.

In general, Forgiving those who hurt us is part of the epilogue of that delicate healing journey.. It is the final point with which we hope, finally, to be able to completely get rid of a stage. There are those who do it sooner because they have processed and accepted the experience faster.

Others, however, never will. Either because they don’t want it or because they remain stuck, trapped in anger and resentment. Not being able to get rid of negatively valenced emotions feeds back the memory and, consequently, the suffering.

Thus, research works such as the one published at the University of Munich tell us something interesting. Only when one is able to give emotional forgiveness will one achieve greater mental well-being. However, those who “forgive out of obligation” (hollow forgiveness) do not make any progress because the resentment still resides in them.

What happened was traumatic and we do not want to forgive

It is evident that forgiveness is a very personal choice. Also is true that There are traumatic experiences in which the pain is so immense that that option is not possible. Once again, it should be noted that each experience is unique and that every particularity must be understood.

Now, Robert Enright, leader of the International Forgiveness Institute and pioneer in the study of forgiveness, indicates something very relevant. People are often dragged into wrong ideas about what forgiveness is. It is decisive to keep in mind some keys:

Forgiving is not excusing the wrong done. When one offers forgiveness, he is not justifying anything, nor does he expect reconciliation.The act of forgiving is intended to end a stage, reduce resentment, anger and emotional discomfort. which can lead us to mental states of high chronic wear and tear.

Although it is not always possible to forgive, doing so has great psychological benefits.

When we cannot forgive or forget: what consequences can it have?

Each one carries their own stories, their “could have been”, their “could have done”. However, the more grudges we keep in our existential backpack, the worse our quality of life will be. When we cannot forgive or forget an affront from the past, the here and now can become unsustainable..

We can lose trust in people, become fearful, fall victim to anxiety, post-traumatic stress, and memories that fill sleepless nights. If we find it difficult to have control of our lives, let’s ask for expert help. Whether or not to grant forgiveness to those who hurt us is an option that will come or not in due time. What is necessary is to address those wounds, that psychological discomfort.

Be that as it may, let’s keep something in mind. Research, such as those carried out at the University of San Andrés, tells us that The act of forgiving reduces emotional suffering, and then the memories are no longer so present. That’s when we leave room for new opportunities and happiness. Trying it is a good option.

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