Why do I find it difficult to relate to people?

«I have a hard time relating to people, is there something out of the ordinary about me? What kind of problem do I have? This is a recurring question for those who experience difficulties socializing, making friends, finding a partner or moving assertively in any context. Beyond what we may believe, this is a fairly common problem.

People say that Agatha Christie had a deep fear of making public appearances and having to conduct interviews. Jorge Luis Borges, for his part, was always a consummate shy man, to the point of sending his friend Oliverio Girondo to replace him in any public task.

None of them were good at relating, but the truth is that they didn’t want it either. They simply preferred their safe spaces, their creative everyday life. Nevertheless, Those who have limitations in socializing actually do want to do so, they do desire to have greater resolution and people skills. to move around university, work, entertainment venues and any place where there are simply other people.

Thus, while figures, such as those already mentioned or others, such as Albert Einstein or the writers Cormac McCarthy or Harper Lee, showed obvious traits of shyness, Not everyone who has sociability problems can really be classified as shy..

Let’s understand a little more what is behind these behaviors.

Causes of why I find it difficult to relate to people

When a person asks themselves, why do I have a hard time relating to people? She does it while thinking about something quite common. Namely, that In our society extroversion prevails excessively, the openness of character and that social figure endowed (apparently) with a supreme ability to connect and stand out.

However, assuming this idea is, in some ways, a mistake. Both introverts and extroverts can be socially successful. What’s more, there are also extroverted personalities with clear problems relating to relationships and even building relationships. We point this out for a specific fact: The difficulty in socializing effectively and happily does not always depend on shyness or introversion. They are a factor, it is true, but not the only one.

Let’s analyze the causes in detail.

Relational rules internalized in childhood

A decisive factor that explains our abilities or difficulties in relating is in our childhood. Most of us we have unconsciously internalized the relational rules instilled in us by our primary caregivers. If they were not successful in their day for them, they will not be successful for us either.

The same thing happens with our communication. If the linguistic skills of our parents were not very skilled and they did not interact much with us, something like that also has an effect.

The presence of unaffected caregivers will always have an impact on a child’s verbal, emotional and behavioral skills. So much so that we can have extroverted boys and girls with serious limitations in social and relationship skills, due to the direct effect of that upbringing. On the other hand, dysfunctional, authoritarian family environments or even more so, living in an environment with little social contact, also causes these relational limitations.

Psychological and neurological dimensions

Not everything has its origin in our childhood. Sometimes, the reason why I find it difficult to relate to people has its trigger in psychological and even neurological factors.

These would be some of those examples:

Autism spectrum disorder. Within this condition, there is, for example, Asperger’s syndrome, which in many cases can go unnoticed. This explains why many adults show these problems in social interaction.Anxiety and stress They are factors that also limit and hinder our abilities in terms of socialization. On the other hand, it is worth noting that psychological conditions such as antisocial personality disorder, social phobia or agoraphobia are also behind these difficulties. However, in these cases, they are realities in which the person themselves deliberately avoids or avoids social contact.

The sensibility for sensory perception

We talked at the beginning about how figures like Agatha Christie or Borges avoided social contact. Their evident shyness made them prefer safe environments and avoid exposing themselves to situations that caused them stress and discomfort. Well, it’s impossible to ask myself why I have trouble interacting with people without taking into account one of the most obvious factors: my shy personality.

Now, rather than focusing on that pattern of behavior, it is interesting to understand what lies behind it. Shy people perceive the outside world differently due to what is known as sensitivity for sensory perception .

What does this dimension consist of?

The brains of shy people are different. On average, they need more time to react to stimuli. They are more introspective and reflective, something that prevents them from being able to adapt to those social environments in which they must act quickly in any situation.Crowds, noise, new stimuli or exposing themselves to situations over which they have no control, generate stress and discomfort.

All these factors make us see that shyness also has a neurological basis. Nevertheless, This does not prevent you from learning appropriate strategies to improve sociability.

I find it difficult to relate to people, what can I do?

We can all improve our social skills. Learning to relate to enjoy interaction in any environment is within everyone’s reach.

These would be some starting points:

Look for situations in which you feel comfortable. You can make use of online applications to find people with common hobbies. This is always a good way to find people similar to us with whom we feel safe. Later we can open up to other scenarios. Also remember and keep in mind that we don’t always get along with everyone, so if there are particular groups or people with whom you can’t build trust, this doesn’t mean that it’s going to be impossible for you to socialize with others with whom you can. There are more interests and affinities in common.Reduce your self-demand. Avoid focusing so much on yourself, on the fear of failing, of not knowing what to say, of not being liked. Move your gaze from the inside to the outside to let yourself go, to enjoy spontaneous conversations… Don’t believe everything your mind tells you.Lean on people you trust. Share your fears with someone who knows you and who can guide you.ALearn techniques for managing stress and social anxiety. Techniques such as mindfulness or practicing yoga can be very useful and, of course, it will always be beneficial to seek professional help and attend therapy.Strengthen your social skills: communication, assertiveness, emotional management. To do this, for example, set small goals each day, such as casually chatting with someone, asking a coworker something, or any other activity that normally takes a lot for you to do. By achieving small goals every day you will find it easier to socialize naturally and spontaneously.

To conclude, only one aspect is worth highlighting: in case our difficulty in relating is something chronic, something that we have been carrying for years and that hinders our quality of life, do not hesitate to consult with a professional. There are therapies that can represent a great change, the advance that we need most.

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