How can I stop being selfish with my partner?

It is common to accuse the other of being selfish in couple discussions.. When we feel bad, we tend to put the focus of control on the outside, thus pointing out the other person as responsible for the situation. However, this is not always the case: sometimes the cause of the argument is oneself.

Detecting this bias and admitting that we are being selfish is not easy, but it is the first step towards creating healthy dynamics in the couple. It is easy to mix this feeling with guilt, self-pity, and other polarized thoughts.

Everyone has something to manage within themselves, and selfishness is an epidemic in times of individualism. Therefore, in this article you have some ideas so that the entire process of solving problems within the couple is effective and productive.

What is meant by selfish?

Selfish It is a word very present in everyday vocabulary. It is used so often that the outline of its definition eventually becomes blurred. It is understood as selfishness the attitude focused on oneself and the ego, acting in the direction of one’s own interest and neglecting the needs of others.

In a couple, selfishness involves putting one’s own concerns and needs before those of the other, regardless of their importance or whether they can be compatible. Is considered a wear factor, as it finds conflicts in the most everyday details.

These are gestures too small to be taken as a serious affront, but too striking to be overlooked as a whole.

6 keys to stop being selfish with your partner

When this attitude is detected in oneself, it is normal to feel bad and want to fix it. However, there is likely a history of unresolved conflict between the couple, so you will need to approach the issue in an orderly and pragmatic way. Here we give you some ideas so you can stop being selfish with your partner.

1. Take responsibility

The first step, as said at the beginning, is to detect this attitude and propose to change for the better. This should also be expressed in a conversation with your partner, Well, the ideal would be for him to accompany you in the process of change. Since, furthermore, it is something that directly affects the other person, their intervention will be necessary to know where to direct the solutions.

2. Develop empathy

Empathy will be the main quality that will help you stop being selfish with your partner. Although some people are more empathetic than others, it is a capacity that can be trained and developed like any other.

For this, good communication will be essential, in addition to focusing your attention on the other person’s feelings and needs. Comment on situations as they occur and try to bring out the bad dynamics that underlie them. It is a non-linear process, that is, the conflict will not disappear progressively, but will have ups and downs. Patience.

3. Train assertiveness

assertiveness It not only serves to make one’s own position clear, but also to express one’s needs without offending or harming the other person. This is part of emotional responsibility, which will help you take care of your partner’s emotions, listen to them and make clear your intention to change and fix things.

Empathy and assertiveness are not two isolated capacities, but rather they interact with each other, and with others as well. For example, if you express that something has bothered you in a respectful way, you will be assertive, while empathy allows you to take other people’s feelings into account when being assertive.

4. Ask your partner how they feel

Perhaps until the moment you decided to change, you overlooked your partner’s feelings. It is normal, therefore, that you do not know what is going on in her head during the conflict – if you have not connected to her for a long time, it is normal that it is difficult for you now. What can you do then? Ask.

In this way, you will not only train your empathy, but also You will obtain useful information to solve problems, allowing the other person to express themselves. Your partner will perceive that you care and that you take into account what they say, thus creating a more collaborative attitude in them as well.

5. Ask yourself what your partner needs

Being an empathetic and considerate person is not the only way to leave behind a selfish attitude. The fact is that your partner, given your past attitude, may have stopped sharing his needs, talking about what he would like to get from you.

That’s why, In addition to asking your partner to express themselves, ask yourself what effect your behavior could have on them. Every detail counts: what could the other person want to do with you? Will he get angry if you tell him that you don’t feel like cooking today?

6. Go to a professional

Couples therapy has very useful resources to resolve unresolved problems. If you both go to the consultation, in addition to improving the situation, you will already have come, although you may not realize it at the time, a good part of the way.

Check your other relationships

Training in generosity and empathy is useful for relationships, but also for other relationships. At a general level, people who assume a selfish attitude tend to extend it to all contexts; Just as adopting a more generous attitude with your partner will probably also carry over into family, friendship, and even work relationships.

On the other hand, you will surely encounter other selfish people and you may think that you may be losing ground to them. At that moment, try to remember all that you get when you are generous to those around you.