Open relationship: what it is and how to know if it works for you

That monogamy is a socially constructed concept few experts seem to disagree. After all, it is far from being the rule among animals, it does not always meet the curiosity and the search for the new considered inherent to the human being and, let’s face it, sometimes it seems doomed to frustration. 50% of men and 30% of women admit to having cheated on their partner at some point, according to surveys.

With that in mind, it may seem logical to look for other ways of relating, such as in an open relationship. For those who are in doubt whether or not to choose this way of relating, the following content can help you find out if this choice is for you.

What is an open relationship

As with everything that tries to understand human diversity, there is no consensus when it comes to open relationships (or any other type of relationship). But, according to psychologist Silvana Bernardo, it is “a mutual agreement of freedom that the couple has to get physically involved with other people”.

In other words, this is what Ana Vitória Lascala, from the Café com a Comadre project also says: “an open relationship is one in which you are not exclusive from a sexual and non-affective point of view”, she explains.

And, for her, this is where the consensus on the topic begins to gain complexity. “You can’t rule out the possibility that, in the midst of an open relationship, your partner is affectionately interested in someone else because you create intimacy. It’s important to understand that sex is intimacy, period,” she says.

Not by chance, the therapist cites as one of the possible problems for this type of relationship knowing how to deal not only with her own expectations and with those of the partner, but also with those of those she calls “satellite people”. , that is, the people you will be involved with outside of the relationship.

“It is assumed that the relationship with them will be purely physical. But how to guarantee that this third person will have this balance? She can start to understand that she has a place in that relationship, starting to interfere directly or indirectly,” she comments.

This doesn’t mean open relationships are impossible, it just means they aren’t for everyone.

As a fundamental prerequisite for facing an open relationship, the two experts cite good self-esteem as essential for more than one reason.

“Having good self-esteem and self-confidence so that the person who gets involved with their partner does not threaten the previously established relationship is fundamental”, says Silvana. “Otherwise, this will start to cause problems, whether in a passive-aggressive way, or in another way”, adds Ana, who shares the same opinion.

In addition, having your self-esteem up to date is also very important if things do not unfold as expected, that is, if your partner becomes affectionately interested in someone else.

“You need to be well so you don’t beat yourself up if that happens”, says Ana, remembering that this doesn’t just apply to open relationships. “In any relationship, you must never beat yourself up.”

What is not an open relationship

Perhaps because it involves multiple sexual partners, which is still a taboo, for most people the open relationship consists of something that, in popular terms, could only be described as “Mother Joana’s house”. But it’s the opposite of that.

”In an open relationship there are relative commitments that are pre-established by the couple, always remembering that involvement with third parties is something that occurs physically speaking. In other words, the two of them must agree with this and getting involved with other people must respect the routine of that couple”, explains Silvana Bernardo. Therefore, it is important to understand that this type of relationship must also have its rules, as will be seen later.

For this reason, the therapist Ana Vitória Lascala also does not corroborate another stereotype about the open relationship that is the issue of detachment, since the parties still expect affective exclusivity. “The issue is thinking, ‘I can separate sex from affection,’” she says. Remembering that it is important that your partner, as well as the people you will be involved with, are also able to do this.

Those who have never looked for testimonials from those who are or have been in an open relationship may be surprised, for example, to discover that they feel jealous. But they rely on communication and trust in each other to overcome the feeling.

And it is through the issue of jealousy that another very widespread notion about open relationships comes in, which is that they are a way to spice up and save the monogamous relationship.

According to Ana Lascala, people sometimes understand that the loss of sexual interest is affecting the relationship as a whole. “I understand the opposite: something doesn’t go well and it affects the sexual side”, she says.

Why have an open relationship?

Well, if the open relationship also has rules, doesn’t get rid of jealousy and doesn’t serve to save the relationship for two, why on earth would you get into one?

Psychologist Silvana Bernardo believes that, as long as it is decided in a healthy way between the couple, without impulsiveness, it can bring interesting benefits, such as the claim to individuality and empowerment.

“Being able to provide yourself with sexual experiences with other people without having that feeling of guilt afterwards is an important fact, because there is no betrayal, fights may be less frequent, because the feeling of freedom will be greater, and where there were demands and demands it will take a possible sense of personal autonomy”, says Silvana.

On the other hand, Ana Lascala, for whom an open relationship is usually not the best option, is usually calmer at the beginning of the relationship. “People start to relate and agree that they will have an open relationship as a way of understanding where this relationship is going to lead, to be less frustrating”, she explains.

The two experts, however, agree that, at the beginning or in the middle of the relationship, the important thing is to identify what is good for you. “There are 7 billion people in the world and therefore that same number of personalities. I don’t think it’s impossible. The important thing is to understand the expectations of each one and ask yourself if it works for you”, says Ana.

5 essential questions to get it right

“I believe that connoting rules, closed and immutable titles of how a relationship should be is not healthy, because the human being has an incredible plurality and relationships can be a reflection of this too”, says Silvana. Especially because, according to Ana Lascala, not even the real meaning of “getting it right” is as clear as it may seem.

Is it staying together forever? Is it growing and learning together with someone, regardless of each one going their own way eventually?

But just as closed relationships have some unspoken rules, an open relationship must also have rules to avoid suffering. The difference is that, in this type of relationship, they must always be very well communicated.

Although the rules are unique to each couple, below you will find the main issues considered essential for the relationship to prosper:

1. Both must agree

It seems pretty obvious in theory, but in practice, it’s common for people to agree to things, not just an open relationship, in order to please or win back the other. “Giving up what you want to fulfill someone else’s desire is a recipe for disaster. In no instance of the relationship does this type of thinking work”, says Ana.

2. Fair play with those involved

As was said above, it is impossible to guarantee that the people you will be involved with also know how to separate sex from affection. But the least you can do is communicate them in order not to generate expectations.

3. Honesty between the parties

One of the positive points raised by those who have had a healthy open relationship is that while talking about attraction and jealousy can be unwelcome in a closed relationship, in an open relationship it is important for both of you to be honest about it in order to deal with the matter. together.

“Some say, ‘I want to be in an open relationship, but I don’t want to know anything.’ This person is not ready for an open relationship”, warns Ana.

4. Definition of the other people involved

The topic may sound a bit bureaucratic, but even if you decide that there will be no restrictions in this regard, it is important to talk about it.

For Silvana, even the decision of knowing or not with whom the other was related will depend on what is comfortable for each couple. As a reflection, Ana says that it is common for the rule not to go out with people they socialize with. Not only because there is usually a certain affection there, but also because it can cause embarrassment at some point.

5. Safe sex, always!

You don’t even need to explain, right? Just because the relationship is open doesn’t mean he may be more exposed to sexually transmitted diseases or an unwanted pregnancy. Protection is essential to maintain the integrity not only of the couple, but of everyone involved.

It is worth mentioning that the issues raised above are not necessarily rules, but points to be considered both individually and as a couple.

“What is cool and what is healthy is what is cool and what is healthy for each person. We love general rules, but, in fact, there is no such thing”, says Ana. Armed with information, no one better than you to know what works in your relationship.