Why are people so bothered by “plant mother” and “pet mother”?

“Today I can’t go out because my dogs need me. pet’s mother, You know how it is?”. “Travel now, only if I can take my plants. plant mother and so”. If phrases like this haven’t come up in conversations with your friends, on your whats or haven’t become a hashtag on your timeline, they will soon reach you. As a joke or taking it very seriously, people repeat it without thinking about the implications this has on mothers of… people. It seems obvious, but there was even a brand using it in a campaign Mothers Day🇧🇷

By the way, – as in many issues of motherhood – rancidity is not isolated. Many women echoed on social networks and were deeply disturbed when Anacapri reposted in celebration of the Mothers Day, a text with #mãdeplanta. The shoe brand had to recant and deleted the post. The model in the photo also took a stand and apologized to anyone who was offended.

But then we ask ourselves…why does this bother? Isn’t this just a joke?

Most of the arguments against the campaign photo were that it was reducing motherhood to being very fond of something. As if the term “mother” meant only affection, caring a lot for dogs, cats, ferns, cacti. Even “book mother” came up in the conversation. But, as we know, motherhood is not just that🇧🇷 It is not limited to care and affection.

“When someone appropriates the term ‘mother’, they are not doing it in bad faith or disqualifying anyone who is a child’s mother, but they are talking about this commonplace of motherhood of love, care, and responsibility too – that to get into another issue, paternity should also be attributed, right?”, explains Marília Toledo, psychoanalyst at Casa Moara and specialist in Maternal and Child Mental Health. “What bothers mothers is that it goes against the arduous task of bringing someone into the world, which has very different implications than caring for an animal or a plant”, she adds.

“From the moment that a woman who is not a mother of people says that it is the same thing, it makes our struggle and what we go through as a mother invisible. Motherhood is very lonelyit is a gigantic mental overload”, agrees Giovanna Balogh, doula and blogger of “Mães de Peito”.

And this also ends up leaving all the tasks that make up motherhood in the shadows. After all, a pet mother doesn’t need to teach the dog not to be sexist, a plant mother doesn’t have a school meeting on the same day she has to present a report at work. Mothers of succulents don’t need to take their child to the pediatrician on the crowded subway, they don’t need to pack a lunch box (healthy, mind you) at 11 pm to send it to school the next day.

“We accumulate functions, in double, triple journeys and this is not valued. Other than that there are many prejudices that women suffer from being a mother. You have no more space in the job market. In my case, for example, I was demoted in a leadership position and saw so many other women fired after the end of maternity leave, as if that were a stamp that they are no longer professionals. No plant mother or animal mother suffers from this”, completes Giovanna.

But isn’t it just a meme?

Ok, a lot of people might not be taking it so seriously when they use the term. But it is understandable that mothers feel that this mocks and deflates the complexity of carrying out all their daily tasks. “Shade” is what women need the least right now. It is already necessary to face the puerperium, the judgments, the difficulties of breastfeeding, the changes in the body, the logistics, the romanticization, the sexism, the distant friends… and the list grows for each mother, since each one carries its particularities that only add up.

“I don’t think it’s trivial or a joke to discuss this issue. The discomfort is generated, because being a mother is difficult for most women, it is absurdly lonely, it is very demanding, so when you touch this wound, it does bother. I believe that fighting over this is unnecessary, the important thing is that both sides look at why this generates controversy: mothers are in a very difficult position in our society🇧🇷 There is abandonment, pressure and a dwindling support network for them”, says the psychoanalyst.

“But I take care of my dog ​​like a son”

Yes, there really is a point in the matter of affection and responsibility. Can’t you feel a deep connection with your kitty? Can’t you really care about the mulberry tree in your backyard? Of course yes. “Of course we love our animals and my house is full of plants. But you can, for example, ask someone to feed your dog and go on a trip. Not with a child, if you breastfeed and take care of a small child, you can’t even be away from her! To say this is to level down. Calling the dog a son is your choice, the absurdity is that a Mother’s Day campaign uses this as a motto. They could honor, for example, single mothers or those who had miscarriages, who often don’t have their children in their arms, but who are also mothers. In other words, there is a range of powerful women who deserved to be remembered on this date and who are passed over when they choose to honor pet mothers and plant mothers”, explains Giovana.

According to the psychoanalyst, when a woman is bothered by this statement, she is not devaluing the fact that someone takes good care of a dog or loves plants, but talking about the difference in responsibility that it is to raise a human being, where it is assumed that you are helping to create a character, ethics, filters, values…” You is forming a citizen. It is very different,” he points out.

Obviously everyone is free to have the emotional attachment to whatever they want. What revolted the mothers is the unrealistic and unfair comparison. “Motherhood is a lot of experience, only when we live it do we discover what it is. And we always think we’re going to handle it and there’s also the romanticization that everything will be perfect, just smiles at breakfast. And when you find out that it’s not like that and assume that it’s too difficult and you’re not coping, you’re judged and then you’re afraid to expose the reality. And this only contributes to idealization, romanticization and confusion. You see your friend with her kids all dressed up at the party and you have no idea what goes on at her house every day.”

And you don’t even have to read all the texts on the internet to rethink about it. A little empathy and sisterhood – which we preach so much – would already avoid further emotional distress. At the end of the day, mothers just want to raise a great person, as best they can, without destroying the woman behind, fighting and hugging. With affection, yes, but without losing a foot of the battle.