What to do when your daughter tells you she’s had sex

It is super common that the beginning of our daughters’ sexual life makes us worried. At these times, everything goes through the mother’s mind: she is afraid that they will catch venereal diseases, that they will be abused or even that they will have an early pregnancy. According to family therapist Ildo Rosa da Fonseca, the most important thing is to maintain respect and never act aggressively. “Keep an open dialogue, without making accusations or offenses”, suggests the specialist. Check out our tips:

Did you find out your daughter is no longer a virgin?

Call her for a serious – and welcoming – chat: if she told you she lost her virginity, it’s because she trusts you. Ask how she felt, if it felt good, and if the couple used a condom.

Do not criticize: have a cozy conversation, tell her that from now on she is a woman and she should behave like one. “Be firm, but use a caring tone. Teenagers learn the teachings if they are transmitted with affection”, says family therapist Ildo Rosa da Fonseca.

Respect her: if she doesn’t want to go into detail, don’t force the issue, but say that you’d like to accompany her to her first gynecologist appointment.

She hasn’t experienced sex yet, but is she about to?

Strengthen her self-esteem: praise and give affection, when she grows up, she will know that she deserves to be treated with affection and will not make the mistake of sleeping with just anyone.

Support and understand: if your daughter wants to have sex, don’t forbid her. She will have to assume the consequences of the sexual act, but the ideal is to be able to count on you. Remember: the value of a woman is not in her hymen! What she needs is to know how to respect herself and how to demand respect from her partner, no matter how great her desire is.

Avoid charges: phrases like “I trusted you” and “I thought you were responsible” only generate guilt in the teenager. This ends up further distancing the children from their parents.

How to react when she tells you that she already had sex?

Do not condemn: never criticize, for example, a friend’s daughter for losing her virginity. Her daughter will realize that you are against it and will hide what is happening to her.

Be Reliable: never touch your daughter’s belongings, looking for evidence of the first sex, such as a condom or contraceptive pill.

Take it easy: even if you don’t like your daughter’s boyfriend, maintain respect for both him and her. When a teenager feels that her parents may not agree with her opinion, but respect her, she tends to listen and accept family advice better. This posture, incidentally, serves to address other controversial issues.

I’m a mother of a boy, what should I say?

The guidance is the same: give him comfort, affection, understanding and talk without judging him, as he may be feeling distressed, insecure and worried about his performance. Don’t forget to also warn him about condom use.