Using hints can do a lot of damage.

The witty and talented actor and comedian Groucho Marx immortalized the phrase “these are my principles. If you do not like, I have others”. He was a great comedian who, using comical hints, said everything he wanted, no matter who it was. Now, using hints to get a laugh can seem funny, and it usually is.

However, they can become a problem when we are outside of this context and want to convey an important message. In fact, in these contexts in which the content of the communication is especially relevant, people We tend to use hints because we don’t feel safe enough. to share the same message directly.

Think that If hints are not used correctly and in the right context, they can do real harm.. With the use of language in a distorted and manipulated way, we may even be ruining a romantic or other relationship, but one that matters to us.

What is a hint and why can it hurt?

If we look at the literal definition of the word indirect, we can summarize it as an expression that is used to imply something, but we do not say it precisely and clearly. This is the most accepted meaning.

That is Innuendos can be funny… or not. If we look at the study carried out by Professor James K. McNulty, in which a conclusion is drawn, it is that high expectations ruin the happiness of a good number of couples who do not have solid and free ties.

What is the relationship between hints and McNulty’s study? According to the researcher, the expectation of high expectations in the marriage or the couple leads to personal and marital dissatisfaction. All of this triggers a series of really negative attitudes regarding communication.

Conclusions about indirect

The marital dissatisfaction drawn from the study leads us to some conclusions that McNulty drew. For example, the convenience of being direct when demanding changes from a partner. We must be clear if we want to encourage the other person’s motivation..

Now, in case of using hints and “pulls”, according to McNulty, We are paving the way for indirect hostility and sarcasm to take over the relationship.. Thus, an environment is created where reproach runs rampant, removing the possibility of resolving conflicts. We are being destructive.

Actually, Excessive hints are a failure of the communication channels between the couple. This is an excellent breeding ground for silence, contempt, aggressiveness and lack of verbal and non-verbal language. An evil that, according to the study, afflicted a large number of marriages.

Other cases of interest regarding indirect

Other researchers went much further on the problem of using hints.. The anthropologist Gregory Bateson estimated in his 1956 publications that the “double bind message”, as he considered the “pules”, if repeated excessively over time, can even lead to anxiety disorders and even a schizophrenia.

This does not mean that we cannot use hints in regular communication. In fact, it doesn’t have to be something pathological. We can do it occasionally, but keeping in mind that we are putting a veil behind our communication which makes it difficult for the message to travel.

How to establish the logical use of indirections

There are sensible ways to establish a logical use of indirections, as is obvious. Let’s look at some ideas that we extract from the studies of McNulty, Bateson or coach Víctor Pacheco, who has also worked on this topic:

In a relationship in which at least two parties are involved, It is absolutely necessary to lay the foundations to ensure that communication is respectful and healthy.. We must think before speaking and not try to hurt as a constant resource to defend ourselves.We must use the most direct sincerity in every relationship. If we use hints to avoid doing harm or even to do it, we are damaging communication, avoiding the problem and breaking any harmony. We can use hints, but keeping in mind that it was precisely this, a hint, never a clear and direct message. In this way, the responsibility for not being understood will have to be assumed by us.Thinking before speaking is another detail to take into account.. This way we will be able to know what we are saying, we will learn to respect other people’s point of view and we will achieve more enriching discussions with conclusions with greater value.

Remember to use hints in a moderate way, knowing well the area in which you operate and after having established common bases. with the other person. Otherwise, you could be creating a breeding ground that will end the relationship in a few months. Is that what you want?

Hints as a weapon

Hints can not only destroy a romantic relationship. They also occur in areas of friendship, family, work, politics… Many people use hints to cause intentional harm.. Not only do we use them incorrectly, but we know when to “let them go” to cause harm to someone. A hint, for example, in the workplace can cause more harm than good.

If we have made a mistake and our boss, instead of telling us about it, calmly lets out a “Someone made a mistake and it wasn’t me.”, we may feel anger. Because? In some way we interpret that our boss believes that he is perfect and incapable of making a mistake, then the mistakes that are made are ours. due to our incompetence. If the hint is in a humorous tone, nothing happens. But in this case we are talking about voracious hints that are repeated over and over again.

The same thing happens at the family or friendship level. Innuendo can be very harmful, because in some way we undermine the other person’s self-esteem. We let it fall into the air that someone has done something wrong or is doing something wrong. AND We ourselves are the ones who have to attribute that erroneous action. In this way, we can unconsciously come to think that we do not know how to do things well. So that, Constructive criticism is much better than indirect criticism..

Types of hints that cause the most damage

As we already said, not all hints are the same. Some are completely harmless, but others They are like darts loaded with hostility, intentionally directed at a third party to harm them.blame him or make him feel bad.

That said, among the most harmful forms of indirection we find:

The verification to generate guilt

The objective of this type of hints is control and manipulate the victim, questioning their sense of responsibility or generating guilt in them. For example, a person resentful of not being included in a group outing might say “You guys had a lot of fun without me, right?” either “I see that I am a nuisance.”

In this case, The intention is to make others feel bad, apologize for their behavior and try to compensate them by any means possible.. But what is behind these hints are feelings of frustration, disappointment or sadness that, instead of expressing them assertively, are projected onto the other to make them feel bad.

Punishing indifference

Another type of harmful hints are those that They use silence and indifference to generate tension in the environment. In this way, they make the other person feel bad without uttering a word or resorting to monosyllables.

In this case, gestures are the protagonists: slamming doors, throwing or making noise with objects, accusatory looks… all of them loaded with great annoyance, contempt or spite. And, when faced with such samples, if the victim asks “What’s going on?” The only answer you get is “Nothing”.

The consequences of this type of hint is emotional coldness and distancing between the parties involved, making those affected feel alone, misunderstood and separated.

Half claims

This type of hint is used by those people who feel vulnerable, but are not willing to forgive. So, They throw out sentences without thinking, with the first thing that comes to mind, without giving themselves the opportunity to investigate or understand their emotional state..

In this way, they shoot accusations into the air, they blame everyone, but without directly pointing fingers at anyone, playing the role of victim while others feel guilty without really knowing the reasons.

An example would be “You all have disappointed me.”but when others ask the reasons or try to address that feeling, the person closes down and does not say another word.

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