Understand how a single sentence was able to save my marriage

At first glance, people might think that Richard Paul Evans is one of the happiest men in the world. This family man from Utah (USA) is 53 years old, has 5 children and is a successful writer.

Millions of people buy his books, and when he goes somewhere to promote them, his presence is widely celebrated. But despite his professional success, for years he suffered from serious marital problems. On his official website, Evans posted a personal story about his attempt to save his marriage:

“My oldest daughter Jenna recently told me, ‘My biggest fear as a kid was that you and Mom would get divorced.

Then, when I was 12 years old, I decided that since you guys fought so much, maybe it was best if you split up.’ Then she said, ‘I’m glad you got it sorted out.’ For years, my wife, Keri, and I had problems.”

“Looking back, I don’t know exactly what brought us together, but our personalities didn’t quite match up. And the longer we were married, the more extreme those differences seemed. Gaining ‘fame and fortune’ didn’t make our marriage any easier. In fact, this exacerbated our problems.

The tension between us got so bad that traveling to promote the books became a relief, but it seemed like we always paid for it on the way back, though.

Our fights became so constant that it was hard to even imagine a smooth relationship. We become perpetually defensive, building emotional strongholds around our hearts. We were on the verge of divorce and we discussed it more than once.”

“I was on tour with the book when things came to a head. We’d just had another big phone fight and Keri had hung up on me. I was alone, feeling lonely, frustrated and angry. I had reached my limit.

That’s when I turned to God. Or I turned against God. I don’t know if you can call it a prayer, maybe yelling at God isn’t praying, maybe it is, but whatever I was doing, I’ll never forget it.

I was in the shower at the Buckhead Hotel, Atlanta Ritz-Carlton screaming at God that marriage was wrong and that I couldn’t go on anymore. As much as I hated the idea of ​​divorce, the pain of us staying together was too much. I was confused too. I couldn’t understand why marriage to Keri was so difficult.

Deep down I knew Keri was a good person. And I was a good person. So why couldn’t we understand each other? Why had I married someone so different from me? Why couldn’t she change? Finally, hoarse and broken, I sat in the shower and started crying.”

“In the depths of my despair, a strong inspiration came to me. You can’t change it, Rick. You can only change yourself. At that moment, I started to pray. If I can’t change you, God, then change me. I prayed until late at night. I prayed the next day on the flight home.

I prayed as I walked through the door and met a cold woman who barely noticed me. That night, as we lay in our bed, inches from each other but miles apart, inspiration struck. I knew what I had to do.

The next morning, I rolled over in bed next to Keri and asked, ‘What can I do to make your day better?’

Keri glared at me. ‘Which?’

‘What can I do to make your day better?’

‘You can’t do anything,’ she said. ‘Why are you asking this?’

‘Because I’m being honest,’ I said, ‘I just want to know what I can do to make your day better.’

She looked at me cynically. ‘Do you wanna do something? Go clean the kitchen.’

She expected me to be angry. Instead, I nodded. ‘He is well.’ I got up and cleaned the kitchen.”

“The next day I asked the same thing. ‘What can I do to make your day better?’

Her eyes narrowed. ‘Clean the garage.’

I took a deep breath. I had already had a full day and I knew she had made this request despite it. I was tempted to explode at her. Instead, I said. ‘OK.’ I got up, and for the next two hours I cleaned the garage. Keri didn’t know what to think.

The next morning came. ‘What can I do to make your day better?’

‘Nothing.’, she said. You can’t do anything. Please stop saying that.’

‘Sorry,’ I said. ‘But I can not. I made a deal with myself. What can I do to make your day better?’

‘Why are you doing this?’

‘Because I care about you.’ I said. ‘And with our marriage.’

The next morning I asked again. And in the other, and in the other. Then, during the second week, a miracle happened. When I asked the question, Keri’s eyes filled with tears.

Then she started crying a lot. When she managed to speak, she said, ‘Please stop asking me that. You are not the problem. I’m. I’m hard to live with, I don’t know why you’re with me.’

Gently, I lifted her chin until she looked me in the eyes. ‘It’s because I love you.’ I said. ‘What can I do to make your day better?’

‘I should ask you that.’

‘You should.’ I said. ‘But not now. Now I need to be the change. You need to know how much you mean to me.’

She laid her head on my chest. ‘I’m sorry I was so mean.’

‘I love you,’ I said.

‘I love you,’ she replied.

‘What can I do to make your day better?’

She looked at me sweetly. ‘Can we spend some time together maybe?’

I smiled. ‘I would love.’

I kept asking for over a month. And things have changed. The fights stopped. Then Keri started asking. ‘What do you need from me? How can I be a better wife?’

The barriers between us have fallen. We started having meaningful discussions about what we wanted out of life and how we could make ourselves happy. No, we don’t solve our problems. I can’t even say that we never fought again. But the nature of our fights has changed.

Not only were they getting rarer and rarer, they lost the energy they had before. We deprive them of oxygen. It was no longer in us wanting to hurt each other.’

“Now, Keri and I have been married for over thirty years. I don’t just love my wife, I like her. I like being with her. I want you. I need her. Many of our differences have become strength and others don’t matter much. We’ve learned to take care of each other and, more importantly, we have the will to do so.

marriage is difficult. But parenting, keeping fit, writing books, and all the other things that matter and are worthwhile in my life are, too. Having a life partner is an incredible gift. I also learned that the institution of marriage can help heal us of our less beautiful parts. We all have them.

Over time, I learned that our experience was an illustration of a much larger lesson in marriage. the question that everyone in a serious relationship you should do to your loved one is: ‘What can I do to make your day better?’ That it’s love.

Romance books (and I’ve written a few) are about desire and happy foreverbut the happy forever it doesn’t come from desire, at least not the one portrayed in most novels.

True love is not wanting someone, but actually wanting their happiness, sometimes even at the expense of our own happiness. True love is not making the other person our copy.

It is to expand our capacity for tolerance and care, it is to actively seek the well-being of the other. Everything else is simply a self-interested charade.”