Unconditional love, does it really exist?

There are those who point out that unconditional love is the purest and noblest feeling that exists.. It is loving without expecting anything in return, it is loving with each of our senses, our fiber and with every particle of our being. It is, in turn, appreciating others for who they are, whatever they do, whatever they say; even when that someone is not by our side.

Herman Hesse said that he who knows how to love will always end up winning in life. However, What exactly do we mean by ‘loving well’? Is unconditional love perhaps an exemplary practice of good love? The truth is that there is no exact and clarifying answer on this aspect, but there are some reflections that deserve to be taken into account.

To begin with, it is very likely that more than one person will say that establishing a relationship based on unconditional passion has, on average, dangerous consequences. Because a love without limits and conditions, as we well know, ends up in most cases crossing that line in which identities and self-esteem are hurt..

Now, there will be many who will categorically affirm that If there is a deep, authentic and unconditional affection, it is the one we establish with our children. However, what happens when we have before us a narcissistic child who, in addition to love, demands whims and privileges from us despite treating us with tyranny and lack of respect?

From emotional psychology they propose to differentiate two very specific realities on this topic. We must differentiate love as a feeling and love as a relational scenario. One thing is to love and the other is to live with who we love. Let’s delve into this topic below.

Unconditional love and relationships with conditions

Is it possible to enjoy unconditional love? The answer is yes, but obviously, we must understand the nuances first.

To do this, there is nothing better than turning to neuroscience to discover something that may surprise more than one person: Our brain is designed to love unconditionally.

The brain and unconditional love

Doctors Mario Beauregard and Jérôme Courtemanche, from the University of Montreal (Canada), carried out an interesting study to discover that Unconditional love shares the same neural mechanisms as addictive processes. There is a reward mechanism governed by dopamine, serotonin, norepinephrine, oxytocin and vasopressin.

Unconditional love is indeed similar to romantic love. There is a mixture of absolute passion, devotion, attachment and intense affection. In some way, our brain would be designed to experience this type of intense love. But yes, our most rational part forces us to set limits.

One thing is love and another is relationships.

Unconditional love is still a feeling. Now, beyond that universe, there are human relationships.

As we well know, in a relationship, love is not always everything. It doesn’t matter how much two people love each other; not if communication is defective, not if there is no reciprocity, empathy or respect.

Without a doubt, all of this creates situations that are as contradictory as they are painful: you can love deeply, but at the same time understand that coexistence is impossible.

I love you unconditionally, but I know I must let you go

We can love someone without limits and unconditionally. It is an undoubted reality. There are loves that hurt, they are those in which we become aware that we harbor a blind passion for someone who does not suit us. We know it and that is why we let it go, for our own good, for our psychological balance.

Thus, in these situations a reality continues to occur that may seem close to many: despite having left a relationship and having thereby gained well-being and self-esteem, unconditional love for that person continues to exist as such. Because as we can see, Feelings sometimes prevail even though the relationship no longer exists.

Love does need limits and conditions (and that is healthy)

Limits, beyond what we may think, are hygienic, healthy and even powerful. It is true that we are often afraid of them and it is a bit difficult to place them around us, but they are information barriers that oxygenate relationships, that improve coexistence and allow us to gain happiness.

Unconditional love as a feeling is real, we know it. However, it must be sculpted in an artisanal way so that it fits our relationship, to make him understand that In matters of affection, limits and conditions are necessary. And this also applies to upbringing and education.

We can love our children as they deserve: infinitely, deeply and passionately. However, this does not mean at all that a child should assume that he can act as he wishes, that blackmail, excessive demands and violations are permitted. Because Not everything goes in relationships, even if love exists. Because in coexistence there are rules and barriers to respect, although affection is always there, ready to shelter and protect.

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