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Everyone knows that life together is not always as wonderful as in romantic comedies. Almost always, this type of movie ends with a beautiful wedding, everyone celebrating and the bride and groom happy. But what happens after that? How does life continue for a couple who are apparently completely in love?
Today the I fell in love brings the testimony of a woman who has been married for 12 years.
I never understood some women’s dream of marrying a rich man. My plans as a teenager had nothing to do with men or marriage.
Unfortunately, my dreams did not come true. An injury ended my sporting career and my dream of Olympic gold was forgotten. I had to deal with it.
I met my future husband when I was at university. During this period, I never stopped to think about how many years our marriage could last. I always knew that life can change at any moment, just like the sporting life of an athlete: today you are recognized, champion, and tomorrow the champion is someone else.
My coach always told me, “To win, you have to be stronger than everyone else. The words ‘I can’t’ and ‘I can’t take it’ don’t exist. Always give your best.”
The habit of always thinking like a champion sportswoman defined my perception of the world, as if I had another person inside me. A critical woman whose gaze guided my life. Like most people, I went through several stages: crushes, romances, suffering. With my husband, we went through several other stages: arguments, differences, disagreements, resentments. Sometimes we think about separating, or even killing each other.
Today, we have been married for 12 years and I am ready to share with you 12 conclusions on this path.
1. Passion passes
Let’s get straight to the point: passion passes. That passion imposed by society we call ‘the love addiction’. Her and her crazy emotions, her sufferings, tears and pains in the soul, and how she makes it impossible to think that another person can be the object of this same ‘love’.
In the relationship, everything should be fine. No hysteria, scandals, emotional ups and downs, stress after unanswered messages, broken dishes and ‘I’m moving in with my mom’. No efforts and sleepless nights for yet another scandal.
In the relationship, everything must be stable. Which doesn’t mean no salt, boring. It means with the certainty that no one will commit the stupid thing they shouldn’t.
In the relationship, everything should be smooth. When you go home and you know that everything will be fine, that no one will be screaming, or drinking more than they should, and that there will never be physical violence.
2. Married life is not a big party
There is no ‘happily ever after’ without lunch breaks or rest days. There are illnesses, tiredness, irritation, anger and fights. There are arguments, difficulties and problems. The question is: how long can you hold on and do you want to stay in these stages?
3. A couple must share interests
After the first emotions of the passion that begins, it is very common that some differences begin to emerge between the couple. Two very different people, as much as they release fireworks in bed, can’t live together daily. Matters such as education, mentality, politics, children, money, work, etc., should be discussed. Two very different people cannot maintain a long-term relationship.Sorry, but contrary to what they say, opposites do not attract; repel.
4. The couple must grow together
Never settle for what you’ve already achieved. Sooner or later, a person without ambition falls behind even in a relationship. A husband who only thinks about watching football and drinking beer in front of the television becomes a burden that no one can carry. This leads to other conclusions: don’t stop the other person from evolving, from wanting to improve. It doesn’t matter if she decided at 40 that she wants to learn to play the guitar, or take a ski course, or even if she decided to take a course in Thai cooking. New plans and achievements must be shared and never hindered.
5. Acceptance is key
Acceptance on a deep level. Some of the other person’s habits can be annoying and there may be differences in some points of view, but at a deeper level there always needs to be acceptance. For a relationship to work, we need to accept the other person for who they are. Of course we can try to change some things, but always within a limit of acceptance.
6. A woman should not live only for her husband and children
First, find time for yourself, then for your husband and children.The woman who betrays her own ‘I’ for a man, becomes an impossible weight to be carried. Think of yourself, only then will you arouse interest in the other. Don’t turn into another armchair in the house.
7. People must be free
Over the last few years I’ve been thinking a lot about this. I’m not afraid that my husband might abandon me because, like everyone else, he has the right to want a better life. And that life may not include me. In the same way I also have the right to want a better life for myself without him. Of course, that would mean the ruin of our life together, but we can’t keep anyone by our side by force. Therefore, stop thinking of life as a fairy tale and forget the phrase “And they lived happily ever after…”. At any time, you or the other person can leave.
8. Everyone should have their own interests and desires
Everyone needs time and space to be alone. And everyone must take care of their own money. This must be a rule. I don’t need to take my husband shopping, and I don’t need to watch him catch a damn fish.
In my case, personal time is for yoga and fun. I can go to a park and meditate, read a book, or whatever I feel like. My husband likes to go sauna with his friends and every 20 days he goes fishing. Nobody controls anybody and we are both happy that way.
Everyone must control their own money, without the other requiring expense reports. It’s humiliating to have to ask for money to buy toilet paper.
9. A couple must have a pet
Preferably warm-blooded. A cat, a dog, a hamster. Some animal to pet. We have a cat and two dogs.
10. Couples with similar personalities last longer
When one person is hyperactive and the other lazy, the marriage doesn’t usually last long. Some temperament differences are always tolerated and personality and speed in the way of life can find a middle point, but couples in which these characteristics are very divergent don’t last.
11. Wild sex is not the most important thing in a marriage
After 12 years of marriage, it’s impossible for sex and infatuation to happen like they did at the beginning of the relationship. Even after three years things are calmer. You can’t keep the desire level up there all your life. In general, in a ‘normal’ relationship, after a few years, sex continues to exist, but passes into the backgroundand it’s not the most important thing.
12. Decisions must be made together
Of course you shouldn’t overdo it. Everyday matters don’t always need to be discussed. However, important purchases and decisions that could change the couple’s future should be discussed in advance. The decision is always yours. No ‘I’m the boss here’. How to raise a child, where to go on vacation, the possibility of adopting a dog, what car to buy, etc. Everything must be discussed. Meddling in someone else’s business is not good. A comment is fine, but everyone should mind their own business.
The most important thing for a long-term marriage is the desire to find common ground, to know how to listen and give space to the other person. A couple doesn’t need to be glued all the time. Family life is a combination of love, trust, help, patience and willpower.. The order of priority of these aspects changes over time, but they must always exist.
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